(Closed) first year of marriage – what to expect?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

We have had a rough go job-wise in our first year.  I was adapting to a new job and he lost his job in April and still hasn’t found a new one.  It has added unnecessary stress onto us unfortunately.  Also learning to compromise has been something I’m learning as I go because I am stubborn as hell most days.  Learning to make choices with another person in mind hasn’t necessarily been the easiest thing for me!

Overall though it’s been pretty good.  I’m happy with how things are…and find it so hard to believe that we are quickly approaching 1 year!

Post # 4
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We lived together before marriage, but I’d say we *still* had to adjust to our different levels of what is “clean.” We still argue sometimes about chores and have had to compromise on how often and how things are done. Plus merging finances was rough. We did Dave Ramsey’s financial peace class though and it helped SO much

Post # 6
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

I think this depends on your situation. We have lived together almost since we started dating (I think it was 2 months before he was officially on my lease.) We will not be combining bank accounts because we have a system that works for us and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I really don’t think anything will change after we legally marry except my last name.

Post # 7
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ll be totally honest with you even though my experience is, I’m sure, not what other people relate to:

One issue we had early on was the level of work I was doing around the house. My job (teaching) has fewer specified hours but lots of work during evenings and weekends. He works longer hours but doesn’t bring work home. I was doing 100% of the cooking and most of the cleaning at first until I broke down and just couldn’t do it anymore a few months in. I was so sad and overwhelmed and had never considered asking him for more help. We have similar expectations of cleanliness, but he just didn’t realize how much time I was putting in. He’d never lived with someone before – he went from his grandmother’s (who was a homemaker) to a fraternity (with a housekeeper) to our house – so he had no idea that keeping a clean house meant a regular hour of tidying up/cleaning on top of cooking all our meals from scratch. He stepped up his cleaning game. He now does all the floors, all the laundry and cleans the kitchen – cleans up after my cooking, plus dishes and whatnot.

My second obstacle, which is 100% a personal issue, is the level of vulnerability in a marriage. I have a hard time expressing myself, like I’m a bit reserved emotionally with everyone, and I always have to remind myself that he’s really in it for the long haul and it’s okay to be honest and vulnerable.

I’ve had to adjust the way I deal with conflict. I used to run away and avoid it at all costs, but now, though it sucked at first, we are so good at sitting down and explaining our viewpoints before coming to a good solution for both of us. This is tied to the vulnerability thing mentioned above.

We never fight about money and that’s my #1 piece of advice for newlyweds. Be sure you agree on how your money is managed. Money is the primary reason given for divorces in this country and many people come from families who don’t talk about money practices because they fear it’s impolite. Fuck that! Talk about money! Kill the awkwardness that exists surrounding financial matters.

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