(Closed) First year of the marriage is the hardest? So far, true…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Which answer describes you and your SO best?
    dream couples that has always been in the honeymoon stage, still has butterflies, and rarely argues : (17 votes)
    16 %
    Has issues and arguments that we need to work out from time to time which helps us grow. : (82 votes)
    75 %
    Other (explain below) : (10 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1032 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    We had a tough 1st year.  I think that we often don’t realize how big of a deal being married is and what a transition it can be….even if you already lived together. We have a good marriage and I love my husband to death….but life isn’t a fairy tale and I think the reality hits during the 1st year.

    You are NOT alone AT ALL πŸ™‚

    Post # 4
    Member
    2767 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I think anyone who votes for the first choice is lying.  For real, marriage is hard.  And the first year was super hard for us.  The second year is way better.  πŸ™‚

    Post # 7
    Member
    80 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I’m not married yet, but I think that it kinda makes sense to experience what you are experiencing.  Now that you guys are married you’re both really realizing that this it, this is very officially who you will be with for the rest of your lives.  Of course, this is an incredibly happy thing, but at the same time you probably both want to make sure things are set straight on the way you want to spend this life.  Maybe you’re both a bit scared about how somethings are going to change or about the different expectations you have for one another.  Maybe you’re both kinda panicked that you’re going to start losing your individuality and personal view points so you’re kinda fighting with each other over silly things in some sort of an attempt to hang on to that.  Whatever it is, now that you’ve completely committed to each other and know you’re not going to lose each other it’s probably easier to be less patient and more blunt about things that are bothering you.  I think it’ll just take some adjusting time.  Good luck, I hope stuff starts getting easier for you : ]

    Post # 8
    Member
    408 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    For us it was really tough before marriage. We met in May 2009, dated in August, he moved in in September, my sister past away in October, the following week he got fired, in November he proposed but was unemployed until March 2010….talk about a rough beginning! I felt like we had been through SOOO much before even getting married! I figured after all of that we could make it through anything. I became so close to him so fast after going though all of that. Since we have been married we have had arguments occasionally, the usual for the first year I think, but every time we argue or fight it’s always over stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter!

    I voted the second one, but I do still get butterflies from time to time and am still lovey dovey with him πŸ™‚

    Post # 9
    Member
    4546 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    It’s been tough for us, but in a way that has made us stronger and helped us grow more. We’ve also been dealing with some tough things like me not having a job, now me having one and it draining me completely, and now I”m going to quit my job and I”m sure that will prove to be another challenge. Plus we’re dealing with his mother learning to let go and stop interfearing so much. Marriage is awesome…but it’s tough. It’s a constant learning process and we’re constantly refining our communication skills. I think it makes us love each other more! Anyone who says it’s ALL rainbows and butterflies is full of it.

    I just wanted to comment on the PP’s comment about stupid fights. Darling Husband and I got in these quite a bit right after we got married. Our first stupid fight was about milk. Yes, milk. πŸ˜›

    Post # 10
    Member
    7695 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    The first 6 months of marriage has been very good so far. We had an extremely difficult engagement with a lot of stress and family drama and almost breaking up. I do think that anyone who chooses the first one is lying because all couples have disagreements and things they could work on. However, I chose the second choice but I do not think we are having a hard year of marriage. Right before we got engaged we had 4 family members pass away in 3 months. Then during our engagement my Mother-In-Law was just terrible and really pushed us apart. It was really tough. Now that we are married we feel relief and are comfortable. Yes, of course we have things we could work on, but this is definitely not the hardest year of our relationship by any means.

    Post # 11
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    well, we’re not married yet, but it’s coming soon.  We bought a house and have lived together for 2 years.  The other day I was really upset about an argument we had, and I realized that if we were still dating, I would have taken a few days on my own.  I would have not spoken to him and really thought about things.  Then I realized that I couldn’t do that, that I had to go home and deal with him and work things out…and then I realized why marriage is going to be a lot of work…you can’t just take a break when you want to, you have to come home and deal with things in a productive manner, forgive easily, and move forward.

    we’re all good now, but that was a wake-up call about how marriage is not going to be a fairy tale all the time!

    Post # 12
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee

    I chose “other”. The poll is worded in a way that kind of makes it so that everyone has to pick the second choice. We aren’t perfect of course but we rarely argue and have had a very nice first year of marriage so far. I’d say we’re somewhere in between the first and second choice. We had lived together for several years before marriage and pretty much felt like we were already married… so not much did change. Which is just how we wanted it! 

    I think the point is that the time of really getting to know each other and getting used to life as a unit is tough, but that can happen before marriage as well. We had a phase like that earlier in our relationship. I believe it can take several years to really know a person and adjust to living with them as a family, so that’s probably what many people experience during their first year of marriage.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2889 posts
    Sugar bee

    I too chose other becasue I think we’re somewhere between the two extremes. We have “honeymoon” weeks and then we have weeks where we fight over stupid things. Also, we were engaged and living together for 3 years so I think we got a lot of our first year fighting out in our first year living together, when those feelings of I can’t leave so easily really set in but we fought and still do, I think it’s to be expected as life is not all rainbows and sunshine. We used to constantly fight on vacation over really dumb stuff and hello, vacation is supposed to be fun! We took an amazing trip in 2009 and made an agreement that we weren’t going to fight or make each other miserable and the fact that we survived 14 days without fighting in a situation that was previously hard for us was really significant in our relationship. From that point, I gained a lot of confidence in us.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5496 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2010

    Oh man. Our first year was just awful. But not because of the two of us, just everything that happened. First my mom announced she had to file bankruptcy and would foreclose on her house (one month before our wedding she told us this!), then after the wedding I got pregnant and miscarried, then had to have major surgery a few months later in order to try to get pregnant again and have a baby. So looking back at last year, besides the wedding there really wasn’t many happy times at all. It was honestly the worst year of my life. πŸ™  (Except the wedding-that was great!) But through it all, we learned that we have to keep trucking along and that we have each other to get through all the hard times that will pop up throughout our lives. But it certainly isn’t easy. Marriage definitely isn’t always roses. Hang in there! I believe with good communication, you can improve your marriage. You are certainly not alone. It’s hard to get along with somebody (even though you love him) all the time. Perhaps, try discussing the issues you’ve been having when you are both calm and in a good mood. πŸ™‚ Good luck!

    Post # 15
    Member
    297 posts
    Helper bee

    I know you probably don’t want to hear from a Bee who is not married yet but my SO and I took on a very significant level of emotional committment when we moved in a year ago because we both have children from previous marriages.  We know that unless we see some serious, SERIOUS incompatiibility that may arise, that there is no turning back.  That being said…

    We just made it through the first year.  Our biggest struggle was dealing with eachother’s moods.  (That’s where the personalities, needs and expectations from your post comes in…)  The most important thing that I learned was to give him what he needs, not what I think he needs.  For example:  When he was in a foul mood, I’d always end up doing whatever I know that  I need when I’m in a bad mood.  Then, when it didn’t help, I would think that he doesn’t appreciate me and get resentful.  Well, a year later, when he’s crabby, I grab him a beer, give him a kiss and take my laptop upstairs with me.  He eventually comes upstairs, hops into bed with me and showers me with affection.  He also needs to learn what you need.  Read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  It’s amazing. 

    I think it can be easy to fall into the trap of saying mean things to eachother.  As SO and I are becoming more and more comfortable with eachother, I find myself biting my tongue.  Intimacy goes both ways…you get closer and more loving, but you can also get more “comfortable” with things you would and wouldn’t say earlier in the relationship.  I know it sounds cheezy, but we do “Time out’s” when we argue.  The second one of us feels disrespected, we stop arguing, clear our heads for a bit and then re-visit it.  It allows us to become more rational and more focused on solving the problem as a couple. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    We don’t argue often, but we’re not butterflies and rainbows every day either. We just are. I don’t know how to explain it. We’ve been together for five and a half years, and living together for ages, so I think a lot of the bumps in the road newlyweds have when they first get married and are living together for the first time we’ve already done. I think two years ago was hardest for us. My stepson skipped his terrible two’s, and saved it all up for his three’s. It was horrible. Looking back on it I wonder how we (I) made it through that.

    I love Darling Husband to no end and I’m so proud to be his wife and for him to be my husband, but is it a honeymoon stage? No. I think we’re content just the way we are. Is it always going to be like that? No. I’m sure we’ll have bad times just as I’m sure we’ll have more good times. You just have to do your best to make sure you learn and grow together through it all.

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