(Closed) First year of the marriage is the hardest? So far, true…

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Which answer describes you and your SO best?
    dream couples that has always been in the honeymoon stage, still has butterflies, and rarely argues : (17 votes)
    15 %
    Has issues and arguments that we need to work out from time to time which helps us grow. : (83 votes)
    75 %
    Other (explain below) : (10 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I would say we are a mix of the first two.  It wasn’t “WOOHOOO!!!” between us 100% but while we had our moments every now and then, we didn’t really argue.  What made it difficult and caused the problems were the IL’s actions towards us.  That made it hard.

    Post # 18
    Member
    5278 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    We had lived together for 3 years, so the first year we lived together was hard.

    However, we did have a little bit of a rough spot our first year of marriage due to financial strains – we had just bought a new house & I lost my job for 3 months. This lead to ALOT of stress, resentment, and fustrations. We argued about money all the time, and it just took a toll on our first year. But thank goodness after I found a job, we have been back to just occasionaly arguing about a clean house and random other little occasional disagreements πŸ˜‰

    Post # 19
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I’m not married yet, but I wanted to relate the experiece of one of my close friends- she said the 2nd year of marriage was the hardest for her.  They had a mostly long-distance dating and engagement, so their first year was kind of getting used to being in the same place, and then the 2nd year they started having those little fights over everything and being mean to each other.  They worked through it and the 3rd year, and now 4th were much better, but it did take a lot of work to find the root of the problems.

    Post # 21
    Member
    3148 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    We are having a tough year becuase of family drama and issues with our landlord etc. but we are fine. Did anythign change afater we go tmarried? no. Did things get WAY better and we lived in a honeymoon feel? No. Things were just….the same. We love each other to bits…and sometimes im mad at him and sometimes we have arguments….honestly we are both probably happier since we dont have the pressure of getting married anymore but we are the same. πŸ™‚

    Post # 23
    Member
    2646 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I’m sure to the outside, my DH appear like option #1 (minus the first year of marriage, where we spent most of it apart due to jobs)…but, even now as we’re entering the 2nd year of our marriage, we appear happy, lovey dovey, honeymoon stage happiness…but that’s because we don’t air our dirty laundry for all to know. lol  Yeah, we fight, argue, drive eachother nuts, and I would LOVE to throw a castiron frying pan at him somtimes…kidding ofcourse…kindof….and marriage is harder than hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, we still love eachother and work through the issues together. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    7772 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    We’ve only been married like 3 1/2 months, and its definitely not been all roses. We are still long distance due to DH being in the military. I dont want to move halfway across the country, only to turn around in a couple months and have to move halfway across the globe. We’re trying to save money to move to England (they say a cushion of about $10,000 is best) because its expensive and we own no good furniture that we are taking with us, plus we can only take one car, so we are buying me a new car, we have to get a new TV because of the difference in voltage. Ugh.

    I dont think that either of us feels like we’re married yet. We live 800 miles away from each other. Its hard to feel different when things are exactly the same as before we were married.

    Post # 25
    Member
    4302 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Our engagement sucked.  We’ve only been married 2 and half months, but it’s worlds better than when we were engaged.  I think all couples go through rough patches.  I wouldn’t blame it on the stage of your relationship necessarily.

    I do hope things get better for you.

    Post # 26
    Member
    5496 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2010

    View original reply
    @mstre269: Thanks! We are much better now. Just started trying to conceive, so that’s a good thing. My mom got thru her foreclosure and lives in an apt now. Everything seems good (knock on wood) for a change. And my husband and I are closer than ever. I remember last year crying all the time and thinking, “This is not how I expected my first year of marriage!!” and felt pity and angry and he and I would have arguments out of frustration with all the problems going on. But we got through it. Hardest time of our lives and we made it! You will, too! Just keep the communication doors open! SO important. There were times I would shut down, then cry, he’d get mad and wonder what was going on. I wasn’t good about talking. Now I’m much better about being open and we fight a lot less now. πŸ™‚  Oh, and don’t be dissapointed in yourselves. It is not easy being married. It is work! Just try to have a better year this year. πŸ™‚

    Post # 27
    Member
    1135 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    We lived together for several years before we got married, so we honestly didn’t think anything would change after the wedding.  But, much to our surprise, we found ourselves fighting a bit more than usual.  Part of that was some changes we went through–he was already a graduate student, but I had been working full time, and then right after the wedding, I started work on my PhD and became a full time student.  It was a difficult transition because I had previously been taking care of most of the household stuff because I had the time–once I started my PhD (he’s working on his MD and PhD simultaneously) I didn’t have any time anymore.  He had never had the time to begin with.  So I started getting frustrated because he still expected I would take care of all the household chores and I just couldn’t!  We had to have several talks to work that out.  

    But part of it was a change that happened for him that neither of us was expecting.  After the wedding, he started to see himself as a HUSBAND.  And this was a big psychological change for him.  All of a sudden he started putting a lot of pressure on himself.  Any problem I had, which he would previously have listened to nicely and then let me deal with, he felt that he had to take care of it now.  Because he’s my HUSBAND.  And he felt that he wasn’t allowed to have any problems–or at least that he couldn’t burden me with them.  Because he’s the HUSBAND and he’s supposed to take care of things.  This caused him a lot of stress, which in turn caused US a lot of stress, and when he finally told me that this was how he was feeling I fell in love with him all over again (because come on, how adorable is he?) and then promptly told him to stop being so silly.  I told him that the best part about being a HUSBAND is that you have a WIFE and the two of you get to deal with everything together–EVERYTHING.  The conversation was a breakthrough for us.

    Since then our communication has been stellar, we’re so SO happy, and the other day he said to me:

    “I love our marriage.  I feel like we’re firing on all cylinders.”

    I think even when you think nothing will change after marriage, something will.  It’s hard to say what it will be, but you have to be prepared and ready to deal with whatever issues “being married” will bring up for one, or both, of you.  Marriage is such a treat–but it’s one you definitely have to work for. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    The first year was really hard for us — for all sorts of reasons — so you’re not alone. The second year has been much better, though πŸ™‚

    And I think it’s normal to hit that stage — whether it’s in your first year or later on (or before you even get married for some) — where the initial romantic momentum of the relationship wanes a bit and you realize that the relationship takes hard work and is going to be raw and painful at times.

    Post # 29
    Member
    920 posts
    Busy bee

    You are NOT alone!! The 1st year was the hardest for us for many reasons, but the biggest being his deployment to Iraq and his family. Now we’re in our 2nd year of marriage technically, but really emotionally it’s like our 1st because we’re learning how to be married. We’re also learning about our expectations for the marriage and our lives together which for us has taken some time to figure out. Either way, it’s rough sometimes but we’re doing better all the time and we’re starting to act and feel like we did when we first got together. I really think the same will happen for you two. It takes work, and it’s hard but you can do it. Hang in there, it’s totally worthit!!

    Post # 30
    Member
    2286 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    Well. We’re a little of both of those options. We have our trials and our annoyances, but we work through them. We’re not afraid to say I’m sorry and we work very hard to make sure that we keep communication open. We’ve been legally married for almost a year, and in that year we bought our house. We’ve been scraping by financially. His brother in law got mad at me. Our kitty got sick. Our fence blew down. We’ve been through a bunch, but we’re not shy about telling each other how we feel. I dunno. Maybe we haven’t hit the really hard stuff yet.

    Post # 31
    Member
    2646 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    View original reply
    @zippylef: Oh man…been there done that.  We did the first 10 months apart while DH was finishing up in the Army.  I have an awesome job and couldn’t justify giving it up only to be turning around and coming back again 10 months later.  England sounds fun!!!  What an adventure that will be πŸ™‚

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