- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2017
We are newly wed, almost a year now – August. We’ve been together, and living together, since 2012.
Honestly, I don’t know where to start. We’ve been through a lot together, five or six years ago I was off work for almost a year with a severe medical condition. We made it through that, got engaged on a trip three years ago, and then it just fell apart. Like minutes after the engagement on our family trip (grandma was 92, last time to travel with her) we wanted to go out for a drink to celebrate, grammy just flat out refused and said it was not a good idea, she isn’t hungry, why would we celebrate?
We planned our wedding, but really it was me just planning. He checked out of planning, which we eventually had to cancel the wedding as it was on the other side of the country where a good chunk of his family lives, and have it closer to the rest of the families. Even though he was much happier about it, he did not really participate, honestly I look back now and it was pulling teeth to get him involved.
Six months before the wedding I switched jobs after being at a place for 7 years and hitting my glass ceiling, and it was my dream job and then it was not. It was fraught with the employers having unrealistic expectations, being unorganized, yelling, slamming hands on tables and threatening myself and the one other staff member. That staff member left, I remained as I was the manager trying to hold things together and shelter the summer students for another 8 months. I made it through the summer, through the wedding with a two day “honeymoon” as I had to go back to work, and into to autumn at which point I had acrued over 3.5 months lieu. It is when my anxiety attacks began. They kept going, through our honeymoon in January – which was not enjoyable at all (I spent most of my time crying, anxious about going back to work, picking fights). One day before I was supposed to return to work after my lieu and days after our honeymoon ended I had the worse anxiety attack I’ve ever had. So I quit my job. I continued to have anxiety attacks as I received some mean emails from the previous employer, and then realizing that I had put us in a difficult financial situation. It has been an even bumpier road ever since as I went on sickness disability and now I am on unemployment (although greater with issues getting it as it was delayed and government errors). I picked up a 10-15 hour / week job because this is what I can handle and have been working on my home business as it drives my passion, but isn’t making money.
My anxiety is slight better, but not really because here I am. I have a lot of anger at myself, the former employers and my husband. While we were in the midst of it last summer, we got married. He kept pushing me to stay at the job because we needed the money, and all I wanted to do was quit because of the workplace harassment. But I stayed because well, the finances but the longer I stayed at the job the more miserable I became, and the more anxiety I developed. I have said that I have anger which is turning into hate. And I am constantly disappointed. But with friends too.
I have seen a counselor quite extensively about this and my GP, but then hubbie left his job three months ago to switch careers from retail into contruction and without any experience at all. So we lost all our benefits and then last week he lost his job because … well he’s too inexperienced and costing the company too much money (saw that coming). We can barely afford our rent, have to sell our car (which is going to really limit where we can find jobs), and I only have 10-15 hours coming in. Nothing else as my business isn’t turning a profit. I am now going to close it after five years.
We agreed to make a plan together, because we cannot afford counceling that every Friday would be date night. I have had some issues with control (says my councelor) so I am to step back and let him take the lead. Every Sunday we are supposed to have heart-to-heart and talk through our issues. This happened twice. And that was three months ago. We made a schedule of who was supposed to plan weekends away during the summer, I planned ours, he has not participated in the planning.
When we got our wedding pictures, he refused to look at them together. He was supposed to order our marriage certificate, 10 months later he still didn’t read the piece of paper that said — “go to the website and you can order it”. So after many queries as to whether he did it, even went through the paper step by step, I took the 5 minutes and ended up doing it.
Occasionally he says he sacrifices everything for this relationship.
Yesterday was Canada Day, the day before was my birthday. It has been stupid hot out. He planned a nice dinner with my girl friends and cooked a delicious meal. We went to bed, in separate beds. I cannot seem to connect with him anymore, and it is exhausting, like a chore.
Don’t get me wrong, he is a kind and considerate man, makes me breakfast everyday but I shut down when stressed, cannot function in the heat, and I can feel that I have checked out. And he has too. I don’t feel any love, I wonder if I ever loved him. I just feel hurt, anger and disappointment.
Our first Canada Day, he went over to a friends house. I was home alone last night, no a/c in 35C weather, watching fireworks by myself, trying to calm our puppy down (he got me a puppy because of my anxiety), and crying. He was drinking at a friends house. He was supposed to come home, as occasionally he goes to this friends house – then just doesnt come home. Just doesn’t tell me. I actually asked him to come home yesterday, he said he would but then 1:30am he still an’t home, he texted me that he loved me, and confirmed he wasn’t coming home. He wanted to at 11pm, but he was too tired.
I don’t think we can come back from all this, there is just too much upset, and constant disappointment and I don’t think we should be together. We’ve talked about our issues, it seems to go in one ear and out the other as he doesn’t seem to consider the gravity of our situation – not really able to afford gasoline but driving two hours to visit a friend. He obviously needed a break from me, as I’ve needed from him.
So our first year of marriage, it is a shit show. Obviously issues before all this, but I thought our relationship was stronger. I will be asking for a separation when he gets home and I will be moving out part-time to my mother’s place which is 2 hours away, and looking for a job there. I don’t know if this is the best thing to do, but I don’t know what else to do and I need some relief. Coming home for both of us causes too much anxiety. And yes, we’ve talked about all this together. I feel bad because the current employer hired me last year but then all that crap happened, and they gave me a second chance and I just cannot bring any passion to the job. I feel bad because we haven’t even made it a year and I am giving up, I am just too exhausted.