(Closed) FI’s anger – have any of you been through this?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

You are a much more patient and forgiving woman than I. I wouldn’t try to overcome it, I would leave him.

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I just PM’ed you, didn’t want to post in the thread

Post # 5
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I also wouldn’t have been able to stay. Good Luck.

Post # 6
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My ex had similar issues, hence him being my ex.

Post # 7
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I’m typing on my phone, so this will be brief, but you are not alone. My fi and I have been dealing with this too. He refuses counseling, but has been working on it on his own… and is getting better. It kills me when it happens, though. Ill write a longer response later, but I know what you’re going through. It does get better, but only if he recognizes the problem…

Post # 8
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I admire your dedication to him. But, it sounds like he has some issues that he needs to work through before you can even get to working on your relationship. Does he seem willing to work on himself first?

Post # 9
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I wasn’t going to comment originally, but I will

I am glad you are both seeking help. That is important.

But, that being said.

I would not have dealt with anything being rude being said to me, not even a raised voice honestly.

Darling Husband called me in a calm voice “Your being a dork” the other day over a disagreement. That was a problem, we discussed it and he agreed to never call me a name again. We have been together almos 6 years. 

If he told me he wanted to break up with me, even in anger, then he would get his wish. By you forgiving him he is learning its OK to be the way he is. I hope counseling will help, but I will also hope that you will learn to tell him what is OK and not and there are NO excuses. You allow how you are treated. He treats you that way, but at the end its your fault because you allow it.

Post # 10
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think being in a stressful situation (you both aren’t working) makes us do not so normal things. As much as I hate it, money makes the world go round, and when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from, it can make you a little crazy.

YOU need to decide for YOU what you are going to take and what you aren’t going to take. It applies for marriage. For better, for worse. Through good times and in bad. Richers or poorer. Too many people want it better, good times, and rich all the time, and as soon as shit hits the fan, everyone wants to jump ship. What’s the point of getting married if you don’t want to work through the dark periods together?

You need to understand your arguments and why you are having them. For months Mr. Tattoo and I just snapped at each other about everything. I’ve come close to just knocking him the fuck out. I’m sure he’s thought about the same. One day, both of us sat down and told each other we needed to talk. It was like the universe was like, okay guys. We’ve had fun watching you two deck it out, but it’s time to get serious. On the surface it looked like we were just arguing for the sake of arguing. Deep down it was my resentment of him not having a job and for him he was angry at himself for not being the “man” and providing for us. I felt like all I did was work and had nothing to show for it while he got to sit at home and look for jobs (which really doesn’t take long. If you are applying to every new posting every day, you won’t spend 8 hours doing it) So I started to just get resentful.

Anyway, long story short, we figured it out. We were fighting because we were both angry with the situation. We’ve said some fucked up shit to each other during fights, but I don’t see it as a deal breaker. I see it as anger and you saying shit you don’t mean.

Not everyone can fight fairly. That’s okay, because only self help books and TV therapists tell you that you should fight fairly. Anger is an emotion and no one lives without it. HELL! I’m Buddhist and I can be the calmest person you will ever meet and at the same time the most crazy.

Anyway, just trying to not be the “go get therapy” voice on the thread. Just sit down and talk it out. Look at yourself in the mirror and realize your faults and he should do the same thing. It takes two people to argue.

Post # 11
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I PMed you.  Hugs…

Post # 12
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

1. If he’s getting therapy and KEEPS GETTING THERAPY, this could work.

2. If he stops going to therapy, or refuses to admit that his behavior is a problem, it is not going to work.

My master’s is in Experimental Psych. It’s not Counseling, granted, but there’s a lot of overlap in the classes we take. I know enough to tell you this: someone who blows up and then apologizes, and blows up and then apologizes, is emotionally abusive. The single best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. People are not good at getting better on their own, because it’s too easy to turn a blind eye to your own problems.

If he sticks with therapy and makes progress, consider staying with him. If he quits therapy, or if his behavior doesn’t change for a couple of months, then leave him.

I say this as not only someone with an educational background in Psych, but as someone who grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and stuck around in a clearly emotionally abusive relationship for waaaay too long before getting out. He wanted to get back together–I told him he needed to see a counselor (like I was, or we could do couples’ therapy) for his drug problem or it was over. He said I was crazy and he didn’t have a drug problem. Then, after that conversation, I heard later from a mutual acquaintance that he went on a week-long bender.

Therapy helps, as long as you have a good therapist. (If you don’t, don’t hesitate to change therapists. A bad therapist is not worth the time.) I know these absolutes seem harsh, but I mean it with every fiber of my being. You do not deserve to be emotionally abused. If he loves you, he will stick with therapy, he will try to get better, he will make a real effort. If he doesn’t try, he wasn’t motivated in the first place, which means he was happy with the status quo–he was happy making you sad.

And you don’t need that in your life. I promise you, you do not need that in your life.

Post # 13
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Miss Tattoo: I swear you’re living my life…we rather I’m your FI!

 

@worriedbride2013: I think it’s wonderful you are both in therapy and are working on your own issues before tackling your issues as a couple. That said, I think if you both communicate about what’s going on, continue to work at it, and figure out what you will and will not accept, you guys can figure it out. I’d focus on learning how “fight fair” and setting ground rules. Like no breaking up in a fight or calling off the wedding, or name calling.

Post # 14
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

one question – you say you’ve been together a long time, has he always been this way, or is it just recently with the stress that you both are under?

ETA:  I re-read your post and saw that you mentioned he has always had an anger problem.

Post # 16
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@worriedbride2013: Given your responses

I think, from an unprofessional opinion, that you need to give yourself and him a date to have a changed behavior.

If he keeps breaking up with you, despite counseling, that is not OK. Let him know that he has # months to work through everything but by that time you expect

1) to be spoken to when a calm voice

2) no threats of any kind unless he expects you to follow through

3) follow throgh on anything he says and do not retract

4) not be called a name- ever

5) if he can’ control his anger, write a note saying what he needs.

Because you have allowed him to break up with you time and time again he knows, rightly, he is allowed. You allow it. Let him know that you will support him in his therapy, but you will NOT tolerate the disrespect from day one.

 

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