Post # 1
My wonderful Fiance has a friend he’s been close to for over 20 years. This friend has a wife and 2 kids but now does not spend a lot of time with my Fiance since his friend had his children. I’ve met this friend twice; once when my Fiance and I were together only three weeks and the other once we had moved in together 6 months ago.
The first meeting was awful; his friend was rude, unfriendly and a critical of my Fiance. My Fiance later told me that this is how they usually communicate with each other but I did not notice my Fiance being critical of his friend at all.
The second meeting was EXCRUCIATING. We’d organised a dinner party for two other couples at our place when my Fiance received a text message from this friend to say that they are in town and would like to come over of a visit. My Fiance told him that it was ok for them to come around for a few minutes but wouldn’t be able to stay long because we had guests coming in an hour.
They came over and did not leave; they ate, bathed their children (twice), made a huge mess of the apartment and were incredibly rude, ignoring our other guests. I was in the kitchen cooking when the friend comes in and takes the blender from me to make himself a smoothy (they’d come over starving from a full day out with other friends). I said to him I’m about to use the blender to which his response was “you do what you need to do and I’ll do what I need to do”. The dinner was a nightmare to say the least. They left with full bellies and some take-away food for lunch the next day. Bless my Fiance he did try to keep them in line the entire night with no success.
My Fiance is incredibly generous and this friend takes full advantage of this generosity. On that first meeting my Fiance paid for dinner later for all of us. I did not feel comfortable with that and offered to pay for my meal which my Fiance would not hear of. His friend just sat back and ordered 5+ meals for him and his family.
My issue is that my Fiance is Godfather to their eldest child who is 5. My Fiance loves their children and wants to be there for them but I have so much trouble accepting this family into our lives. There is so much else I can tell you about these people but won’t bore you; suffice to say that it’s more of the same.
My question is how do I overcome my dislike of these people for the sake of my Fiance who genuinely wants to spend time with them? I want to do this for my Fiance who is a decent and amazing man. We have discussed this a few times with my Fiance about seeing them again and I cringe everytime. My Fiance knows exactly how I feel about them.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
Maybe establish boundaries – you only meet up on Neutral ground, like in a restaurant, rather than going to each others’ homes. That way it’s easier for you to leave when you need to!
Post # 4
@chronicwhimsy: I agree.
My Fiance has a friend exactly like this – he drives me insane. I hate being around him, but at least Fiance understands my POV. Now we never really invite him over, but Fiance is more than welcome to go see him at his place or we meet out on neutral territory. If we do invite him over it’s only when I am not at home.
Post # 5
I don’t know if the restaurant is a good idea. They would want your Fiance to pick up the tab again. How about a picnic or something where the kids are occupied and have something to do, that may take some of the stress off the parents. IF they don’t invite you two over, maybe having them one night at your house … just that family and just enough food for dinner for you all. Fiance picking up the tab for everyone to me sounds crazy.
Post # 6
Meet at a restaurant and bring a pre-purchased gift certificate.. Tell them you didn’t bring extra money. Immediately tell the waitress 2 checks. They can’t MAKE you pay.
My dh has a friend I really don’t care for.. I hate how he treats him… but he’s like crack … Darling Husband keeps going back to being his buddy.
Post # 7
Yeah, the boundaries are a good idea. Your Fiance needs some boundaries as well, though. His friend expects him to pay? Too bad. Don’t. At the beginning of the meal, you say “this will be two checks, please.”
Post # 8
I don’t really have any advice, but I did want to comment and tell you how mature and good-hearted it is for you to come in here and say “How can I tolerate these people” rather than “How can I turn Fiance against them/get them to not come around any more/alienate them.”
I lost a good friend recently because his Fiance felt threatened by our opposite gender (completely innocent) friendship, even though I had previously agreed to hang out with him only during the day and only in public because I knew she had big-time issues with trust and insecurity. It still wasn’t enough, and now he has been effectively “forbidden” to hang out with me.
I know it’s not the same situation, but I see women try and decide who their FI/husbands should be friends with (male or female) way more often than I think is appropriate, and I wanted to give you kudos for putting his needs above your own. I am sure he appreciates it.
Post # 9
I don’t think this is an issue of the OP “forbidding” her Fiance from having a friend. The guy is a rude-ass, douchebag. I would never allow him in my home, nor would I want to be around him anywhere else. I would tell Fiance that he needs to meet up with this friend on his own, when I’m not around, and not in my house.
Post # 10
EffieTrinket thanks for saying that but truthfully I feel horrible for what I have said to my Fiance about them thus far. We got into a heated discussion about it once where he said to me “if you don’t like them so much, give me an ultimatum to not see them again”. I felt worse. I would never give my FI an ultimatum. I don’t think my Fiance himself gets that all people are not like him. He is so incredibly mature, understanding, tolerant and sees the best in people. Whereas I see people for who they are and have issue being around them.
My Fiance is just so wonderful; he has only ever once expressed an opinion about one of my friends and that was it, he tolerates her for me even though she’s not his favourite person and here I am making a big deal about one of his friends. I’m carrying lots of guilt as well about this.