(Closed) FI’s best man plans wedding 2 weeks before ours, very tricky situation

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Would you ask your already engaged MOH or BM if your date (same month) was inconvenient for them?
    Yes : (20 votes)
    42 %
    No : (28 votes)
    58 %
  • Post # 3
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    yikes…. i dont know about etiquette but i wouldnt want to be on the receiving end of a email (even if it is polite) telling me how my wedding date is inconvenent to you and you letting me know that a wedding 3 weeks after your wedding would work better for your schedule

    considering this involves a couple that has their own timeplan and as their wedding seems very different to yours, i would just suck it up

    these things happen, there are only so many weekends in a summer season so im guessing eventually there are crossovers with people, weddings  and available dates

    goodluck and i hope its not too stressful for you!


    Post # 4
    2561 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think you did the wrong thing.

    You get a day, not a week, not 3 weeks. If I got that email I would be livid.

    I think you should have just sucked it up In My Humble Opinion.

    Post # 5
    2777 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    It’s tough. I can see why it would bother you, especially if he’s going to be asking your Fiance to be his best man. So not only is he going to be planning his own wedding, he’ll have best man duties up until 2 weeks prior to his own wedding to be dealing with. Not great. Similarly, the best man is going to be doing the same thing in reverse. And assuming they aren’t going on a honeymoon then he’s still going to be a newlywed at the time of your wedding so that could trouble.

    Personally I know what my Fiance would do if it were our situation. He’d turn around to his best man and tell him that we’re fine with the wedding date that they’ve picked so long as he knows that he’s expected to do his best man duties as he would normally and he wouldn’t let it stress him out and therefore stress our wedding planning out. Also my Fiance would probably decline being his best man as he would know that he wouldn’t be able to be both a groom with an upcoming wedding and a best man for a long stretch of time at the same time.

    Sorry, that probably won’t help you much. I’d talk to your Fiance and see how he feels. I also wouldn’t hint in an e-mail about moving their date, I’d straight up ask if it were an option or if they have any special reason why they can’t move the date, etc etc. 

    Post # 6
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I second Elopings comments.

    As long as it is not the same day or the day before, I do not believe it is fair to ask them to change their date. If your Fiance feels it will be too much, he is free to decline the Best Man position.

    Post # 7
    118 posts
    Blushing bee

    First of all venues can book up very quickly so that may have been a factor in their decision. Who knows why they picked the month they did – maybe they like the weather or the rain forecast or it has some other meaning to them.

    I really don’t think it will be a big deal. You may be busy 2 weeks before your wedding, but you have ample notice so you can get things done now and make room in your schedule for that weekend. And I doubt your FI’s role in their wedding will be taking time away that he would be helping you plan, because honestly, most men leave the wedding planning to their bride anyway.

    I’m a full time student (22-23 credit hours per semester) and I did almost all my communication and contracts via email (I relied heavily on online reviews and phone meetings) and got everything done in under 1 year. (I was taking 10 cumulative finals 2 weeks before my wedding!) If you can get as much done now as you can it should go pretty smooth in the weeks leading up to your wedding. 

    Post # 8
    3979 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I think sending an email suggesting a new wedding date is kind of rude. What if someone had asked you to change your wedding date from the 17th to the 10th? Would you? Your day means a lot to you– just as theirs does to them.

    I’m actually getting married the SAME DAY as my father. I still wouldn’t change it because I was set on that date first… it’s caused a major rift between us & I fear that your “gentle email” suggesting its an inconvenience for you will cause trouble between the 2 couples.

    Whenever someone says a wedding is an inconvenience, my first thought is usually- don’t go then! Or in this case, perhaps your Fiance should opt out of being the Best man.

    Post # 9
    327 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2000

    If I were a Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesmaid, I would not plan my wedding within a month of theirs. If we wanted to, to lock in a venue or something, I would ask first. I think they should have asked first.

    I wouldn’t have sent them that letter, but I might have said that your Fiance might not be available whenever the groom wants him due to planning his own wedding, or at least asking about what they expect of him as best man before agreeing to it.

    But, if your Fiance is close enough to be the best man, then you should probably do what you have to to make it work.

    Post # 10
    277 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Yeah I get that it’s upsetting/frustrating but I think you went a little far with the email even if it was nice…because let’s be real, it’s going to be read in a negative way no matter how nice you think you were.  I think your fiance should decide if he can fullfill the duties of the best man and if he can’t then he should decline.  Otherwise, I really don’t see how it affects your wedding date at all.  If you’re worried about getting things done etc then plan around that day because I think you can spare half a day for a good friends wedding.  Honestly, I think you should send another email before she has a chance to respond saying that you had a moment of craziness and feel badly for suggesting that she should change her date and you owe her a cupcake and champagne and all of you will do whatever you have to do to make things work. 

    Post # 11
    792 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I think if it’s too much responsibility your Fiance should just decline being his best man. I agree that asking them to change the date may not have been the best idea, but I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with them…

    Post # 12
    156 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I may be in the minority here, but I do think it is inconsiderate of them to schedule their wedding 2 weeks right before yours – especially if they’d like your Fiance to be a  best man.

    I had a similar situation with my sister!  Six months into my engagement and six months after I’d set my date for my wedding, she set hers for the Saturday right after mine, the night before we leave for our honeymoon (4 hours from the airport we booked and the ticket cannot be changed)!!!!  Sorry, I get that the wedding is only one day, but seriously.  I was not ok with this. 

    I did send her an email letting her know that this was a really inconvenient day for both my Fiance and I, but also all of our family (they all complain to me, but won’t tell her).  Her wedding is right after mine, and the day after Christmas.  A very expensive time for everyone, obviously.

    Anyway, she got really mad and didn’t change the date so now we’re all just dealing with it, but not happy about it.

    You’ve already sent the email, so not much you can do now.  See what happens.  If it’s too financially straining on y’all, just tell them your Fiance can’t commit to being best man.  I think that’s perfectly fair.

    Post # 13
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I’d be livid if I got that email.  Honestly, your date is just as arbitrary as theirs is.  They already changed their date once for you.

    Post # 15
    1700 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I think if they wanted him to be the best man, they should’ve picked a different date, unless there is a reason they have to have theirs so close to yours. I have two other friends getting married next year, and I can’t imagine having picked a date that close to theirs, and we’re not even in each other’s weddings! And if one of my friends picked a date that close to mine “just because”, I would be pi**ed. There are hundreds of other days in the year – give me some space. I’m just saying. LOL.

    Wow, I’m not used to having such a different opinion than everyone else…strange!!! Tongue out

    **edit – just wanted to add, that another friend of mine is actually getting married on the same day as me next year. But we weren’t keeping each other in the loop on things and it just kind of happened. Plus, that day DOES mean something to them. And I don’t mind this one bit. I just say the 4 of us will have to go on an anniversary trip in a few years haha. But for someone who has known your date for a while, and even making jokes about “interrupting your honeymoon” – that’s what I’m not down with.

    Post # 16
    57 posts
    Worker bee

    I think your email was rude and you are acting very entitled.  You have plenty of time to plan ahead and make sure that you can afford to spend their special day with them.

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