(Closed) FI's BFF Confesses love after engagement, wtf?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
953 posts
Busy bee

Ok like I can sort of see her point of view although I may not agree with it.

She is in love with him (as you are so he’s awesome and you both have great taste) she has probably pushed her feelings aside all these years because she knew he wasn’t interested in her like that and now he is getting married.  She would forever be doubting herself wondering what if she spoke up?   

No offense (i really don’t mean offense by this) but she has no loyalty to you as she isn’t your friend. But she does to him and she should respect his relationship and choices in life. At least she had the courtesy to do this before you were married. 

Just know that your Fi wants you. He could have been with her this entire time but obviously there isn’t a real spark there. She has on her own ruined their relationship as no doubt he will be uncomfortable around her from here on out. Let him dictate how his friendship goes. It probably won’t go on much further after this. 

Post # 17
1189 posts
Bumble bee

Ahhhh hell no. She sounds crazy. She had her chance before you were in the picture and now that you’re engaged she decides to declare her love? Like PP said… bye Felicia. You’re not overreacting at all. You’re acted more level headed than I would be!!

Post # 18
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

No no no. This is not okay. 

You only invite people who are SUPPORTIVE of your relationship. Clearly this woman who claims to be your FI’s BFF does not fall into this category. By telling your Fiance that she is in love with him, she essentially is trying to come between you two. NOT OKAY.

If it were me, I would immediately take her off the invite list and tell Fiance that having her there would make things uncomfortable for you. You don’t have to tell him to stop being friends with her – that is his choice but make it clear that distance in this case is an absolute must.

Post # 19
3586 posts
Sugar bee

jaegermoon:  nope you are not over reacting. There is a line that you draw when your in a relationship and she should not have passed that line. This sounds like something i would have seen in a movie. It’s crazy who confesses their love just because no One. So her intentions are to win him over. I wouldn’t be cool with her at the wedding at all. I mean i get that they are friends and have been for a while and you don’t want to ruin the friendship but i think she already ruined it herself. Your Fiance is marring you. Now that he knows she “loves” him that just puts him in a very bad situation when they are hanging out. 

Post # 20
8559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What  smoocherific:  said is very sane and well-considered. It’ll be hard, now she has ‘ declared herself’ and he would be a saint/monk not to have his interest piqued  – just a little bit.  But I think if you go with it  , it will, as  has been suggested, work itself out. Keep a watching brief but don’t expose yourself unecessarily, especially  if doing so  goes against  your principles.

Plus you run  the  risk of having him  refuse to stop  seeing her on the (true) grounds  that he has no romantic  interest in her , and there you are having gained nothing except a degree of humilation .

I’d even risk the invitation, as I think that would  demonstrate your perfect calm and security in the face of it all.

But  as I said, I’d  keep a watching  brief and at the slightest hint of you-know-what and I’d be on them both like an eagle hawk

Post # 21
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

first I have to say I applaud the girl for making her feelings known. She took a huge risk and while it didn’t pay off, I respect her courage. 

That being said, since your fiancé chose to share her declaration with you he’s pretty much painted himself into a corner. It’s one thing to have male/female friends, it’s another thing to have to tolerate the presence of someone who wishes you didn’t exist. I would not invite her to the wedding and your Fiance should not have any further contact with her. She took a chance my hats off to her but as everyone knows, the loser should bow out gracefully. If your Fiance still wants to have contact with someone whose professed their love you have other problems…

Post # 22
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I really feel for you. I know you don’t want to dictate, but honestly I don’t see why he has explicitly said he doesn’t want to cut her out after all of this? Like I would honestly be a little concerned since you have been together 2 years and he has known her 10.

What exactly has he said regarding this? I would question whether since she has told him she loves him if he is considering what it will be like to be with her? Especially since the girls friend added him saying they will be best friends now, which sort of implies she is under the impression he is going to end up with the BFF instead of you.

I know you don’t want to twell him what to do, but this is going to be your husband, and he should be putting you before anyone else, especially someone who has flat out disrespected you and your relationship with this guy.

Post # 23
774 posts
Busy bee

smoocherific:  +1000


Also OP, friends close but enemies closer. Not saying make her an enemy,  but def invite her to the wedding. She needs to see that it is real. And you need to have a larger role in your Fiance and her relationship. 

Post # 24
2098 posts
Buzzing bee

jaegermoon:  OMG sounds like a movie! Of course you feel the way you feel- how could you not? She had a decade to decide, she can’t do this now. Life is not a movie! I’m very curious what your fiance is saying/doing about this? I feel like he should be protecting you from her and very understanding about any reluctance you would have for them to spend time together. This is HER fault, not yours. She is basially making him choose between her and you. And if she chooses you, she is going to lose him as a BFF. That’s just the way it has to be now…. She made a mess. 

Post # 25
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think you should reconsider inviting her to your wedding. If she’s bold enough to admit to your Fiance that she’s in love with him while you’re planning your wedding, whose to say that she won’t do anything to ruin it? I can understand that your Fiance doesn’t want to end a friendship that he’s had for 10 years, but he has to take into consideration your feelings and how it can affect your relationship. 

With that being said, you’re definitely not over reacting! I’m sorry you have to deal with this right after your engagement.

Post # 26
1581 posts
Bumble bee

Worst BFF ever! 

I hope your Fiance intends to have a very direct conversation with this gal about appropriate boundaries and the consequences of not respecting boundaries>>such as not being invited to the wedding of an old friend.

Ugghh bad taste, indeed!

Post # 27
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

What the BFF did is of course embarassing.It seems the BFF may be inexperienced with men. She most definitely lacks social skills to do such a self sabotaging thing. And maybe was drinking? Is dealing with some major loss in her life? To make it worse, she has a stupid roommate giving her terrible advice/embarrassing her on FB.

Everybody is saying how the BFF had ten years to make her move but waits til your Fiance is marrying you. The flip side is your Fiance had ten years to make a move on her and he didn’t. Your man and this female pal are STILL just friends after her confession because he doesn’t reciprocate. Nothing changed.

So in your shoes, OP, I would reframe my outlook on this and not try to discourage any of my FI’s longterm friendships. First of all, I would trust my FI’s choice of pre existing friends even if I don’t always share them.

I would also encourage FI’s friendship with BFF because every guy I have known who has close pre existing  female friends has been a good partner as opposed to those that don’t have the female pals. Sure there are cases of friends&cheating but unless your Fiance is a douche, you have nothing to worry about.

 Let the BFF regroup from her major faux pas without you two punishing her. Concentrate on the joy of your relationship and upcoming wedding/marriage.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  littlechickie.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  littlechickie.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 28
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Do not invite her. It is hard to just be cordial to someone on that day, at least someone whose presence pisses you off, understandably so 

Post # 29
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m not sure why you OR your fiance would want a woman who just professed her love for a soon to be married man at the wedding. Like…this is just not a good position for anyone. I’m not sure why she’d want to be there, either. It’s not like a party of a sort-of-friend that you go to because, hey you might have fun even if you don’t really like them. This is your wedding. It has basically one purpose.

Don’t invite her, really.

Post # 30
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’d be afraid of the drama that would come up at the wedding. Is she going to cry? Is she going to try to pull him aside before the ceremony and beg him to reconsider? If she’s immautre and delusional enough to profess her love to an engaged man whom she’s been friends with for 10 years, who knows what else she’d do. Her actions were completely disrespectful and I would think your fiance would want to distance himself now.

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