(Closed) FI's BFF Confesses love after engagement, wtf?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think that what fvsoccer said is right – it sounds like she’s at a very low point in her life and seeing your fiance get engaged and ultimately start to move away from her (probably like a lot of her other close friends), it shook her up even more and caused her to act out in an unhealthy manner. I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be at the wedding (or good for her at all, given how mentally and emotionally unstable she sounds – and I mean that in a considerate way like nobody wants to hear about her ODing, God forbid).

If they have other mutual friends, maybe enourage your husband to get them to reach out to her and help her through this trying time but that person CANNOT be him, not if her feelings for him are part of what is driving her to behave in uncharacteristic and unhealthy ways. It will make her feel like she still has a chance. The best thing is for him to distance himself from her (but he can still be polite) until she overcomes whatever insecurities or issues that are causing her this mental distress. It could be that she DOES have feelings for him and that she loves him in a way but it sounds a lot more like she’s struggling with her own issues and she’s trying to hold on to someone who seems stable and familiar. Perhaps if you present it in this way to your fiance, he will understand that remaining close friends with her could actually be MORE damanging to her than helpful.

While you are right to be upset and appalled, instead of trying to rub your engagement and marriage in her face, I think you should realize that she is probably in a dark place and have pity on her. She doesn’t sound all together and she sounds like she needs help, but that help shouldn’t come from your fiance.

Post # 62
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

Having been in a similar situation before, I would suggest cutting ties. Trying to let him or them continue the friendship after this person basically tried to break you up turns you into a crazy person.

In my situation, all I could think any time she texted or messaged or anything was “oh God what sort of things is she saying now.” And just this constant lingering fear that hey, maybe one day she’d say the exact right thing that made him go wow yeah I should be with you instead. It lead to me snooping, him being secretive, and regular fights about her.

I’m not a person who thinks friendships should be dictated by relationships, but in this particular case I said to my Fiance “Her being in your life continuously causes problems in ours, and it makes me feel like you’re prioritizing your relationship with her over your relationship with me, knowing that it’s causing problems. I love you and I want to be with you but I can’t continue this way” and I basically requested that if he wanted to save our relationship then he needed to end his relationship with her. He agreed, and while it was a little difficult at first, it’s been over 3 years since I’ve had to hear her name, and it’s great

Post # 63
Member
3198 posts
Sugar bee

jaegermoon:  With your update, I really think she is just having a case of the regrets of letting a great guy get away. They may be really good friends, but she’s acting like a selfish cow. 

Post # 64
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

What a horrible thing for her to do!  I think you are right for not telling your Fiance that he can’t talk to her anymore because that would be controlling.  However, he should definitely distance himself from her out of respect for you.  It doesn’t matter if they’ve been friends for a long time – you’re going to be his wife and that takes precedence over any friendship, hands down.

Post # 65
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

Holy crap, how unbelievably rude and selfish of her. You are 100% justified.

Post # 66
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

You have every right to be upset and you are not overeacting. And honestly I would not have invited her. What she did is so disrespectful and who’s to say she won’t step over any lines when you guys are married.

Post # 67
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

weddingmaven:  This.  Hell no.  Me or her.  He would have to decide.  He shouldn’t be allowed to have it both ways.  

OP you are seriously OK with them hanging out together?   Or is that thought always going to be on your mind?  

Post # 68
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

This is my problem with opposite sex BFF’s. Unless one is gay, it almost always comes to this point at one time or another. One usually has feelings for the other at one point. I’m not against having opposite sex friends, but the whole BFF thing is a thin line to walk. Feelings are almost always involved at one time or another, and while they are both single they may not act on it, but when one becomes committed, lines get crossed. Sounds just like a movie on TV.

Post # 69
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

jaegermoon:  primarily commenting to say how much I laughed out loud at your last update. At first I thought ‘woahhh sound the crazy alarm’. And then I realized anyone who has never thought ‘BASK IN MY FABULOUSNESS HATERS’ at least once in their life is lying. Power to you!

Post # 70
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee

jaegermoon:  wow. You are one sweet lady. She would not be invited to our wedding nor in our lives whatsoever. She would be cut off and terminated. 

Post # 71
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah, heck no!!!!! I don’t allow crazy in our relationship (and have had to cut it from my side and Fiance from his). No way, no how. If you truly pity the girl, she needs to be cut out of his life to move on. That’s how it was for my ex and for FI’s “BFF”. She’s now almost a year into a relationship and happy, our relationship is thriving and my and life has went on. 

Post # 72
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sorry, but she would not be his “friend” anymore after that. He needs to put a wall up and shut that entire situation down. This makes me think that she was NEVER actually his friend. She was always hoping that they would end up together. You are being waaayyy too nice by inviting her to the wedding. What if she pulls some crazy movie fatal attraction type of mess and screws up the wedding?! I believe that after God, the spouse comes before anyone else. She should be booted from your lives permanently. Yes, its been 10 years… Ten years of her pretending to be a real friend. She was waiting for yall to break up like the rest, and she lost her mind when she saw he wanted to marry you. I hope things work out in your favor. Good luck, dear! 

Post # 73
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

Girl, bye. His friend had her chance and she missed it. Enjoy your wedding and your husband, bee. You liked it and put a ring on it. If she liked it then she should have. She has to learn to live with that. Totally understand your upset – I’d be royally pissed too – but you do have an infinite upper hand here. I wouldn’t even worry about her. You and your fiance have a wedding to focus on!

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