Post # 1
Yup. Just like you see on TV. Fiance used to live with him for like 7 years before he moved in with me. Future Brother-In-Law lives in a two story condo filled to the max with crap. And I mean worthless collections of stuff. I rarely stayed (or even came over) to his place before Fiance moved in with me. It smells of cat pee and dust. The kitchen counters are covered with dishes, some clean, some not. The table is lost to papers and packages. The kitchen floor is so filthy, there’s a clear path of dirt from walking in the same spots all the time. There are paths through boxes and furniture in every room. The couches are covered. His bed is surrounded with towers of crap. The bathrooms are the worst. The shower is orange and black from all the mold. There’s inches of dust caked on everything in the house. I believe he hasn’t even vacuumed the carpets (like you could anyway) in over a year since the vacuum has not moved. It’s digusting.
So why do I care??? My other Future Brother-In-Law, wife and two children are coming for our wedding from out of state. Whenever they visit, they stay at the house in the spare bedroom. This visit is different though. They are coming in for our wedding so I feel responsible for trying to clean this place up for them. I have looked into hotels, and we cannot afford to put them up in one for 3 days, and neither can they. I’ve asked Fiance to call and speak to him regarding cleaning up at least the one bathroom and the spare bedroom for them. Of course, we would also help. Problem is, Future Brother-In-Law refuses to accept that there is a problem with his living situation. He sees it as normal. He thinks it’s clean. Therefore, if anyone brings it up, he gets angry and refuses to do anything.
What to do?? Should I just tell Future Brother-In-Law I’m coming over to take care of it since he won’t? Should I just ignore it like the rest of his family does? Sigh….
I’ve been told that other Future Brother-In-Law and family do not want me cleaning up the house for them. That it’s “fine the way it is.” What would you do???
Post # 3
I added a poll in case no one wants to comment.
Post # 5
If he really is a true hoarder, then he has a severe psychological issue, that won’t benefit and could worsen by pressure or a surprise clean up.
I guess your guests don’t have much of an option and they may be used to it? Any other family or friends who could take them for a night or two?
Post # 6
If there is another place for them to stay then it would probably be best. Those kids shouldn’t be in a mess like that. Maybe you could have them stay with one person for one night and someone else for another night and if you are going out somewhere for your honeymoon they could stay at your place after you leave for a night before heading home. It’s not right to let them stay in a place like that for any reason. I agree with the PP though. It’s psychological and he needs professional help.
Post # 7
A true hoarder will not appreciate you coming over to “help clean up” and it will more than likely damage your relationship. I think going over there to clean is overstepping your boundaries. If you want to help, maybe look into therapy to help him since it is a severe psychological disorder. Its a different mentality that can be difficult to understand, and it will not be taken the same way as a family member coming over to help you clean your house before guests arrive. I can see him getting very upset if you tell him you are coming over to clean since he gets upset if you try to tell him that it is messy.
I would find other family or friends for them to stay with.
If it doesn’t bother the family that will be staying there, though, I don’t think it is necessary for you to do anything.
Post # 8
@TheFutureMrsLamkin: The thing is…you can’t make someone host visitors in their house if they don’t want to…whether it’s messy or impeccable. I agree he has some serious issues, but this is not something I would tackle or call TLC about until after the wedding. You have enough to worry about right now. Either take the family in yourselves, or just explain that Future Brother-In-Law (the visiting one) will have to contact others to come up with his own arrangements.
Post # 9
Based on what you said the brother that is coming to visit has stayed in the condo like this before, right?
You can’t force someone to do this, nor will it help. It will just create anxiety and resentment towards you. There is a reason why 3rd parties are brought in. You have enough going on with your wedding. This is not your concern.
Post # 10
Please don’t clean it up for him. You may cause him to have a complete breakdown. Having his stuff around him is an important coping mechanism, possibly his only mechanism and if you take it away things could get ugly fast. He needs psychiatric intervention badly but as long as he’s not physically hurting himself/people/animals, it’s very difficult to arrange that against his will.
Post # 11
im guessing he needs professional help and you invading his space to clean it would cause him trauma. as for the “other Future Brother-In-Law, wife and two children” staying there – who the heck puts their childrens health at risk and stay there even for a short amount of time. you are not responsible to pay for their hotel bill but i would discuss it with them and ask if they want local hotel information
Post # 12
cleaning up one room is not going to solve your problem..esp if your smelling cat pee. your Future Brother-In-Law would not want his wife and kids feel around something like that…maybe have them stay with you?
Post # 13
I see why your concerned but its simply none of your business. You say they have stayed there before so they know what they are heading into. Hoarding is usually a family issue. If you other Future Brother-In-Law isn’t willing to put themselves up in hotel and expose their children to dust, roach dropping and cat pee, let them. how is this your fault or responsiblity? Otherwise, find the money and get a hotel for them, but talking to the hoarder brother is pointless.
Post # 14
It’s not your responsibility to pay for guests travel/hotel costs, nor should it be to clean up someone else’s house for their visit, hoarder or not! If they’ve stayed there before, it’s very likely they know what they’re getting themselves into, unfortunate as that is. This is probably one you just need to give up on, sorry!
Post # 15
Please do not bother him anymore about this. I had a family member that was a hoarder. Her sister surprised her by cleaning up and that REALLY did not go over well. And I’m pretty she went out to the trash and brought everything back in.
This type of disorder usually stems from pyschological trauma and this is how they cope. He needs to see a professional.
Post # 16
It isn’t right of you to expect your hoarder BIL to host another BIL and his family for your wedding.
Get them a cheap hotel room for $70/night…surely you can all afford that.