(Closed) FI's brother is driving me insane.

posted 6 years ago in Home
Post # 3
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think its time you talk to your fiance about what you consider the proper boundaries for his brother and he needs to talk to his brother about them. 

If he can’t contribute financially, then he should contribute in other ways such as cleaning and being respectful.

Set some rules such as after 7pm the TV is for you two.


Post # 5
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m in the same boat.

SIL is living with us for just over a year.  She’s in a custody battle for her son.. no job and barely contributes to the rent.

Overall, the state of the house is disgusting.  I am always horrified when someone comes over… but I won’t do what my mother does, pick up after everyone else.  Just isn’t my job and I refuse to subject myself to it.

My house used to be 7/10 on my cleanliness scale… now its about a 3.

Post # 7
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You need to lay down some ground rules.  1. He does not get to choose the TV program every time.  2. He cleans the house for his rent.  3. He applies to at least two jobs a day.

Post # 8
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@thisismyanonymousaccount:  I’m sorry.  That sounds so frustrating.  I agree with setting some boundaries.  You and your Fiance should talk privately about what you think is appropriate, and then your Fiance should be the one to communicate it to his brother.

Since he’s not paying rent, he should definitely be contributing to the household in other ways like cleaning.  And he shouldn’t be monopolizing your TV every night.  I get that he has no money, but I still think it would be fair to expect him to NOT be in your hair 24/7… he should be spending a few evenings out of the house each week (go to a bookstore or library and read, volunteer somewhere, visit a friend…) so you and your Fiance can have some time to yourselves after work.

Post # 9
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

This type of living situation is NEVER a good idea and I have no idea why so many people go through with it.  Darling Husband and I have a lot of family, so if one of his siblings were ever homeless, someone else would have to take them in.

Post # 11
3297 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

I really understand where you’re coming from and how you’re feeling. The only thing I could really do was wait it out and set a bit of a time limit. My fiance’s brother has a knack for just showing up without advance notice, so no one can say no. He phoned when he got to town last October and asked Fiance if he could stay with us for a month. Nine months passed and just when I was about to lose it (he paid rent, thankfully) he moved out.

Now he is coming back, apparently for “just” two days a week. I have told my fiance in no uncertain terms that he is not going to be living here again. Two days a week until he gets on his feet and finds a place to live is fine, but this is OUR home, and we simply don’t have room.

Talk to your fiance and see how he is feeling about the whole arrangement. Mine is a born helper too… he can’t say no. I suspect though, that your fiance knows you’re unhappy and he is probably unhappy too.

Post # 12
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Sorry your in this situation.  FI is a bleeding heart for his sister and was talking about how we could let her live in a house with us here 2000 miles from  her home when she turns 18.  I put my foot down IMMEDIATELY.  No friggen way.  If she needed a place to stay for a specified amount of time (like a month) or even for a visit is fine but otherwise no. Hell no.  It’s not that I don’t like her, its just that its my house and I want to do what I want to do in house.  Period.  

I love my brother but I know we couldn’t live together and I told Fiance it would be the same thing for him as well.   When we moved out here we had to live with FI’s brother for a month and it was so awful.  FI was dragging his feet about getting an apartment and it seemed like he was trying to blame it on me due to my unemployment (even though I had enough money in the bank to pay for the whole deposit myself) so one day while we were on the couch I annouced to his brother while Fiance was in the room that I had found a place all excited, I was just so happy to have found a place our own! This made Fiance have to get up and move out, FINALLY!!! The situation only lasted a month but it was one of the most humiliating times ever.  I’m glad his brother put us up but Fiance was such a pain in the butt and an ass about the whole process, if it were up to him we would probably still be living there.  I would never ever want to do that again.

I’d say you should have a frank conversation about this, no one wants to put up a relative for an indefinite amount of time in their household especially when they are newlyweds.  He probably feels the way you do.  At the very least tell Fiance that you would like his brother to stop messing with the TV, since he has all day to watch Breaking Bad.   And he should start taking responsibility for things.  When the brother feels like he has to be responsible, he will most likely get sick of it and find his own place.  I know I had to push Fiance out of his brother’s house maybe his brother just needs that kick in the ass too.

Tell Fiance his brother has to start contributing and that since you are moving in and taking responsibility for the place, make your opnion heard that you don’t want his brother to  become a permanent fixture in the house and that in the mean time he has to help out in other ways since he can’t help out financially and if he can’t he needs to go move in with one those friends that he goes and sees all the time.

Post # 13
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I agree that you and Fiance need to (a) communicate about how you’re feeling and (b) agree on your expectations/ground rules. He needs to contribute in housework, apply to at least x number of jobs a day, vacate the house at least one evening a week for you to have a night alone, etc. I would also cone up with a long term agreement: ifghee is still here in x weeks/months, he will begin looking for other options. As for student loans, he should check into options, such as income-based repayment or defermen.  

Post # 14
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@thisismyanonymousaccount:  Hi there. I would probably take a diffrent approach. This guy will be part of your family soon and I would want him to feel at home in my home. I wouldn’t bother about the TV etc. Once he is gone you can get back into your TV routine. I would speak to your Fiance about it and let him manage the situation. Just outline to your Fiance that you are keen for him to get a job, but as for micro managing him into doing chores, deciding how many job applications he needs to send a day, what time of the day he can choose to watch TV etc etc, I think would sour your relationship forever. Ultimately its not really your place. He is your future husbands guest/responsibility, I would allow him to manage the relationship and the steps he offers to help your future brother in law to get into work ASAP. 

I hope it works out for you, best of luck!  

Post # 15
2889 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds to me that you also don’t really live there and don’t pay rent. If that is the case, I feel like you can’t push the situation for now but maybe need to talk to your Fiance about how things need to change going forward post-wedding. I don’t know how soon your wedding is, if it is in 2012 I would be much more straight forward and if it is more than 6 months off I would start the conversation about ground rules and contributions but stay a bit more passive. Honestly, since you don’t actually live there, stop spending so much time over there and I let Fiance know it makes you uncomfortable. Sleep at your own place a few nights a week and I think he will start seeing that you really are unhappy with the situation. Good luck. I can’t imagine DH’s sister (or my brother) ever living with us for an extended period.

Post # 16
109 posts
Blushing bee

wow, this seems really selfish of you, he will be your brother soon you know! and you said you do not even  technically live there! You are making trouble between brothers and tension in the family, I hope you are never hard on your luck and need someone to take you in! Treat others as you would like to be treated. Family is family, I would be happy for any of my family members to move in permanently if it was necessary, poor fi’s brother! 

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