Post # 1
I’m so pissed off right now, not at Fi just at the situation. Fi owns his own business and has for about eight years now along with college buddy. Due to the nature of the job Fi has to travel to get business, and also to visit clients which are all over. He is the main person traveling because his business partner got married and has kids and prefers not to do it. On hand it’s been good for our relationship because as long as he has his phone and internet he can come here and stay with me a week or two when he feels like it. They also have had a lot of business in New York this year which is four hours from me. However it also sucks because sometimes he is very busy or has to spend a few months in some random city working. I have been working at my job for a little over two years now. I really love my job, I have awesome benefits, and I finally have a nice salary which means I can now afford the nicer things in life, my mortgage, and travel without stressing. The plan always was that Fi was going to make his base here and travel when needed. We have talked about it, and we both agreed eventually that we move back in a couple years. I figured I would be able to have more solid job experience, and in the meantime go back get my Master’s degree. So by the time we moved I would have a Masters and five plus years of experience.
A couple weeks ago Business partner sat Fi down and basically said that he needed him now, and he is not sure him moving would be in the best interest of the company. Things have been taking off for them, and they have hired more employees, and he thinks Fi should not be six hours away. We talked about it, and Fi has made it abundantly clear to me that he is not ok starting our marriage with us doing the long distance thing. I get it I understand that he owns his company and he can’t move as easily as I can. I am trying to be mature about it but I am pissed off. I’m supposed to give up my career, my high paying job, and move with no job prospects. Fi thinks it would be a perfect time to get my Masters but the plan was for me to get it part-time at night while working. I know he makes more than enough for us to live on, but I feel weird about not working for all that time. The thing that pisses me off and has made me even more livid, is the fact that I asked Fi to speak to his partner about him shouldering some of the responsibility for travel. I’m glad you have kids and family, but I am Fi’s family now.
It doesn’t make sense for me to move across the country, leave my friends and family, and then for them to have all of this business out of town, and I end up seeing my husband less than I did when we were long distance. He has been able to rest on his laurels and do busy administrative crap at the office, while Fi has been out busting butt getting clients, doing jobs on the road, spending countless hours in hotels or renting out random apartments months at a time. I feel like since he owns fifty percent of the company he needs to step the F up. What is going to happen if we have a kid? It’s not fair that Fi has to do all the travel. Fi said they talked about it and will revisit it. What the hell does that mean? It sounds like a no, and quite frankly I don’t think I’m willing to leave my job and move across the country with that lukewarm response. If he can’t travel perhaps he should go into another line of work. He shouldn’t get to use his kids as an excuse! I feel Fi didn’t step up enough and isn’t being firm enough with his partner and is just accepting this bs. I don’t feel like I can move under these conditions! I’m so upset and I didn’t mean to yell at him about it, its hard having a long distance relationship and I don’t want to be fighting with him right now.
Post # 3
Where will you have to move to? How far is it from where you are now?
Post # 4
This is so hard. FI and I are 5 hours long distance. He has a great job with tons of opportunity for growth, just got a bonus, and has only been working there for a year. They all love him and if he stayed there, I know he could get a great base on which to build his career.
I got into graduate school 10 hours away from his job. In August, I have to move there– it’s a fully-funded PhD program and I don’t think I’ll ever get this opportunity again.
Fiance said he would come with me– he’s been really great about it but I know he’s hiding some reservations and he’s nervous that he’s going to end up following me. I am trying to compromise by promising him that, once I graduate, we’ll move anywhere he wants.
I have no idea what’s best in your situation. I am so grateful for Fiance for accompanying me. If he would have told me he couldn’t, then we would have a serious talk. I couldn’t leave him, but I couldn’t turn down this opportunity… but I couldn’t do long-distance. We had to rank which of our bad options was the best of the worst and choose it.
Post # 5
If Fiance has to keep traveling most of the time why does his partner want him near the business offices (he will be gone most of the time).
Post # 6
That’s an incredibly difficult situation. I’m really sorry.
Does your Fiance agree with his business partner that it would be bad for the business if Fiance based himself where you are?
Post # 7
Thank you guys for responding, I had to get off wedding bee to go speak to Fi.
@peachacid, It is six hours by plane, to Texas.
@Isis7744 This is my main issue. Since last November Fi has been in and out of New York, he been there so much that he leased a place for a year to stop paying for hotels. In addition to flying to Altana on and off. He has barely been in Texas, because when he has time off he comes to sees me. I understand he has to go there and deal with things, however most of this year he spent so much time on the road and on the east coast. I really don’t understand why his partner thinks he needs to be based in Texas when he has barely been there.
@mightywombat, I kind of feel like Fi is taking his partner side or not hundred percent convinced to move. He told me we have a lot of new business and it wouldn’t be fair to leave business partner in lurch like that. But I don’t understand how it’s fair you done 100percent of the traveling for the company. They own the business which should in my opinion give Fi more flexibility, they can video conference and use the internet, and I even understand that sometimes Fi is going to have fly off and spend extended amounts of time in Texas.
Post # 8
The other guy and your Fiance need to start sharing the travel responsibilities. Your Fiance has been more than accomodating of the fact that his partner has a family, but now your Fiance has a family (or will soon) and this other guy needs to buck up – or someday when you have akid, your Fiance will still be doing all the travel.
It is so rare right now to have a job you love and want to do, one that also pays well and allows for you to get your Master’s. I know that I’m about to start school this month for my Master’s and eventually I will have to leave my job so that I can finish…I feel odd about not working full time and making Fiance cover our bills until I’m done, but I know it needs to happen. The only way I’m ok with it is because I’m not in love with my job. If you are happy right now with where you are, it’s not fair for you to have to give it all up.
The problem seems to lie with the business partner not being flexible. Your Fiance has done his share, now it’s time for them to come up with something that will benefit them both.
Post # 9
I agree I don’t want to move unless Business Partner agrees to travel more. I have a feeling that he thinks since we are getting married, and have no children and we don’t plan on having any for the next few years, that his family trumps ours. I don’t think starting a married life long distance is ideal. I also understand that he has a business partner whom he effects and he can’t just make those choices himself.
Our disagreement stems from the fact that Fi thinks since he was willing to pack up and move to be me I should do the same. I agree with him in theory but the circumstances are completely different because he was already traveling and spending a great amount of time on the east coast for business anyways. Meanwhile I really have no reason to be Texas doing nothing and twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to come home. He told me he will try to be there more often, but it doesn’t seem logical to me. I am willing to move for him just not under these conditions.
Post # 10
@TwoCityBride: I’m sorry you’re going through this–although it would be great if your fiance’s partner stepped up and traveled more BUT that is between them-we don’t know the details of their partnership
I think you need to have an open discussion about this without getting overly emotional–maybe there is a good reason for the move, maybe your fiance will be based more in Texas in the future and less in New York–there has to be some reason why his partner feels so strongly that he should move there
Post # 11
I would have a very difficult time moving under those circumstances too, OP. I would say that it sounds like your Fiance needs to take a firmer stance with his business partner, but frankly it sounds like he needs to get on the same page with you first.
Maybe you could explore some career opportunities in Texas. Best case scenario: you find something that would allow you to move and not give up your educational and career aspirations. Worst case scenario: you have objective proof that this would not be a prudent move for you or your career. And then you can go from there on finding a solution.
Either way, I’d want to hash out the traveling aspect of his job before making any kind of decision. If he’s going to be traveling all the time, what the heck is the point of having you down in Texas, away from the life you’ve built and separated from him anyway?
Post # 12
Oh dear, that’s tough.
On one hand we move every couple years for my FI’s career and though it’s not fun, it’s necessary. He’s also gone long periods of time in which I’ll be left alone. I totally understand your frustrations with that.
Is there any way you could work in the new place? Even if it’s not your old job, anything would help keep you busy and from being resentful. Is there any way you could work from home?
I agree the partner needs to step up and do more traveling to reduce the strains on your Fiance.
Would you be able to put a time limit on the move? Say 5 years and then go home unless you both want to stay?
We try to look at every move as an adventure. It’s not always fun, but it keeps life interesting. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope you two can come to a mutual decision that keeps you both happy. Good luck!
Post # 13
@ThursdayChild I am a pretty independant person but I honestly can’t say that I won’t be resentful if we move and I’m left in a city where I only have a few acquaintances. With my job now I able to work from home when I have conferences with clients who aren’t here, however I need to be in the office 90 percent of the time.
@Sportsgirl that is a good idea,I already know off the bat that I would be taking a pretty big pay cut. I don’t doubt that I can find a job, but my interest is in the green aspect of my job and that is mainly centered in Boston and Calfornia. i don’t doubt that I could find employment I’m probably just not going to enjoy as much as what I’m doing now.
@Slyvia I am very angry and I don’t like that we are basically going in circles so I am taking some time to think and asking advice from the bee, and my dad. I know and have come to grips with the fact that our life is going to be Texas. I would just like some more time home before moving up there.
Thanks for the advice so far ladies.