(Closed) FI's childhood female friend — bridesmaid or groomswoman?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee

I’m a firm believer in the person goes on the side of importance – she is important to him, she goes on his side.  If you wouldn’t otherwise ask her based on your own relationship with her, then she should be on his side, imo.  It doesn’t mean you can’t still invite her to join you and your bridesmaids to things if that is something she would enjoy.

Sides don’t need to be even or segregated by genitalia.

Post # 4
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee

I personally also feel that way about siblings.  Others may not.  The whole point in asking people to stand up for you at your wedding is to honor your relationship with them. So then why would you turn that over to your future spouse who doesn’t have that same relationship to them?  If I want your love and support on my wedding day and to honor our relationship, I damn well want you standing right behind me and my telling people just how important you are to me…not how much you mean to me that I made my fiance pick you and possibly forgo people of his own choosing in the process (not you specifically, but I’ve seen it).  You pick your side, he picks his.

However, there are plenty of people who steadfastly want the “traditional” gender segregation and are cool with “their people” being on their FI’s side of things.  Neither way is right or wrong.  They are just preferences.  I just prefer that people be on the side of the people they are most important to and are most comfortable with instead of pigeon-holing them into activities on the other side they likely wouldn’t have otherwise participated in because they aren’t as close.

Post # 5
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

View original reply
nalastardust :  my hubby’s best girl friend was in his party; and my high school male friend was on mine. 

Post # 6
Member
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
nalastardust :  Has he said he wants her to stand up? Just because they where childhood friends and he still sees her in group settings doesn’t necessarily mean he wants her to stand up at his wedding. I’d wait and see if he even wants to ask her before worrying about where she’ll stand.

Post # 7
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Maybe I’m in the minority on this, but I’ve always kind of thought of the bridal party as a group of honor— not really about literally “taking sides.”  

DH is an only child but we wanted my 3 brothers and their wives in our bridal party so it was just logical that 3 were on each side. I think if I told my husband that my brothers werent allowed to stand next to him because they were my brothers first, he’d probably be hurt.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally cool with men standing on the bride’s and vice versa, but I don’t think it is weird of inappropriate to ask her to stand on your side either. 

 

Post # 10
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I think either way is fine. If you have developed a friendship with her I don’t think it would be weird to have her as a bridesmaid. I agree with a pp that I don’t think of it as “sides”, I see it as a whole group of support and love. 

Post # 11
Member
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I have symmetry fixations so I would invite her to be on my side if I’d already asked two people I really wanted and there was going to be an imbalance caused by her standing up with FI’s side.  

Post # 12
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Although what most of the bees are advocating is becoming increasingly more common, I have never attended a wedding where there were bridesmen or groomswomen. I am used to the tradition that the people of honor are chosen by the couple and that the women stand with the bride and the men stand with the groom, regardless of whether or not the person has an affiliation with the other person. This is why my brother was one of my DH’s groomsmen, and I was one of my SIL’s bridesmaids. In my own wedding, three of my maids were DH’s daughters and daughter-in-law, because it was important to us to have them in the wedding, even though I had a number of friends who could have filled those positions. So, I think it would be perfectly normal and not odd at all to have your DH’s female friend on your side.

Post # 13
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve seen it done both ways – one where there is kind of a honored party and girls stand on the brides side and guys stand on the grooms side, or one where there are bridesmen and groomswomen. I’ve seen both and they’ve been great, but I’ve only seen hurt feelings when it’s mixed – like one wedding I went to the groom had a female friend as a groomswoman, but had his sister stand on the brides side as a bridesmaid. It was pretty obvious that she was hurt that her brother had a woman on his “side” but not her, you know?

We’re doing the “honored party” style – I’m having the groom’s two sisters as bridesmaids, but I also have more BMs than he’ll have Groomsmen

Post # 14
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

Groomswoman! So much cooler! Also, I disagree with the whole “shared friends” thing. I mean, sure, his friends will always be welcome in our home and I will do my best to be friends with them, but I don’t expect me to be necessarily as close with them as my Fiance is! Same with my friends. My Fiance and his best woman have known each other for a long time, talk often about personal matters, have supported each other in times of trouble…definitely she should be by HIS side. As for me, my gay BFF will be my man of honor. Fiance likes him a lot, but he was MY friend first, we speak every day, and I want him at the bachelorette party, getting ready, etc etc.

Post # 15
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think it’s a little weird to have her on “your side” just because she’s a girl and you want the sides to be more even. If she’s your FI’s best friend and you know her by association I think she would be best placed on his side.

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