Post # 1
My Fiance has a friend group from childhood that includes 3 other men and 1 woman. Both times that we have visited his hometown, we have spent a ton of time with this friend group (like hours every day for a week each time), and I spent a lot of time on both trips talking to the female friend in particular. She and I get along really well.
When thinking about a bridal party, it would of course make sense for her to be on the grooms side, but I have two other bridal party members and he has three… so would it be weird if I asked her to be on my side instead? I know the numbers don’t need to be perfectly matched on either side, but if she is on his side, then it would be twice as many people on his side than on mine (4 vs 2). We were thinking about just limiting bridal party on both sides to childhood/lifetime friends to avoid hurt feelings and the awkwardness of including some people but not others.
I was in my brother’s wedding and was a bridesmaid for my ex-SIL instead of being a groomswoman for my brother, so I am thinking of this in similar circumstances maybe… but I’m not sure if it works that way! The other issue is that would it be offensive to some of my friends now to not be asked to be bridesmaids, but then I have a bridesmaid who I don’t know super well?
Any insight would be appreciated 🙂
Post # 2
I’m a firm believer in the person goes on the side of importance – she is important to him, she goes on his side. If you wouldn’t otherwise ask her based on your own relationship with her, then she should be on his side, imo. It doesn’t mean you can’t still invite her to join you and your bridesmaids to things if that is something she would enjoy.
Sides don’t need to be even or segregated by genitalia.
Post # 3
Thanks for your perspective!! That definitely makes sense. I was thinking of it more along the lines of, well we’re a unit now and his friends are my friends and vice versa, so why not have it be even — but I definitely get what you’re saying as well. Do you also feel like siblings should follow that rule, like my brother should be on my side and not on his, if we ask him to be a part of the bridal party? I’m very new to all of this, so I appreciate your help 🙂
Post # 4
I personally also feel that way about siblings. Others may not. The whole point in asking people to stand up for you at your wedding is to honor your relationship with them. So then why would you turn that over to your future spouse who doesn’t have that same relationship to them? If I want your love and support on my wedding day and to honor our relationship, I damn well want you standing right behind me and my telling people just how important you are to me…not how much you mean to me that I made my fiance pick you and possibly forgo people of his own choosing in the process (not you specifically, but I’ve seen it). You pick your side, he picks his.
However, there are plenty of people who steadfastly want the “traditional” gender segregation and are cool with “their people” being on their FI’s side of things. Neither way is right or wrong. They are just preferences. I just prefer that people be on the side of the people they are most important to and are most comfortable with instead of pigeon-holing them into activities on the other side they likely wouldn’t have otherwise participated in because they aren’t as close.
Post # 5
- Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club
my hubby’s best girl friend was in his party; and my high school male friend was on mine.
Post # 6
Has he said he wants her to stand up? Just because they where childhood friends and he still sees her in group settings doesn’t necessarily mean he wants her to stand up at his wedding. I’d wait and see if he even wants to ask her before worrying about where she’ll stand.
Post # 7
Maybe I’m in the minority on this, but I’ve always kind of thought of the bridal party as a group of honor— not really about literally “taking sides.”
DH is an only child but we wanted my 3 brothers and their wives in our bridal party so it was just logical that 3 were on each side. I think if I told my husband that my brothers werent allowed to stand next to him because they were my brothers first, he’d probably be hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally cool with men standing on the bride’s and vice versa, but I don’t think it is weird of inappropriate to ask her to stand on your side either.
Post # 8
We’ve already talked about it. He asked if I would want her to be on my side, because he didn’t know groomswomen were a thing and thought it would make more sense for her to be a bridesmaid. After I told him that some people have groomswomen and showed him pictures, he asked me to ask here and see what people think, since neither of us have a lot of prior wedding experience.
That definitely makes sense! I think that’s a very valid perspective. Thank you for explaining it!
Good to know, thanks!! 🙂
Post # 9
I guess that’s how I feel too, like all of these people are supporting us together, so why should it be so split into his side vs my side? I don’t have a ton of friends but his friends have welcomed me into their group, and it kind of makes me sad to have to be like, “Okay but no, they’re not really my friends, they can’t be on my side”. But I guess it does make sense that they’re more of his people than mine and so they should be standing next to him, not me.
Bridal parties are weird and I don’t really like the whole concept :/ I don’t even want a bachelorette party (I mean, it’d be nice to get nails done and go to a spa and watch rom-coms with my female friends or something, but they are spread out across the country, so I certainly don’t want anybody to fly across the continent just to get their nails done with me). I don’t want anyone to spend a bunch of money or devote a bunch of time to helping me with my wedding, and I don’t want to feel this weird pressure to have a bunch of friends next to me but also exclude some people but also be sad that I don’t have more friends and it’s just a weird tradition. I guess it’s nice too, like it’ll be great to have my friends there supporting me and getting ready with me and stuff, but there’s a lot I don’t like about it. But Fiance really really really wants groomsmen, and I’d be super sad if he had groomsmen and I had no bridesmaids. So bridal party it is, once we navigate all these awkward things I don’t know the proper etiquette for.
Post # 10
I think either way is fine. If you have developed a friendship with her I don’t think it would be weird to have her as a bridesmaid. I agree with a pp that I don’t think of it as “sides”, I see it as a whole group of support and love.
Post # 11
I have symmetry fixations so I would invite her to be on my side if I’d already asked two people I really wanted and there was going to be an imbalance caused by her standing up with FI’s side.
Post # 12
Although what most of the bees are advocating is becoming increasingly more common, I have never attended a wedding where there were bridesmen or groomswomen. I am used to the tradition that the people of honor are chosen by the couple and that the women stand with the bride and the men stand with the groom, regardless of whether or not the person has an affiliation with the other person. This is why my brother was one of my DH’s groomsmen, and I was one of my SIL’s bridesmaids. In my own wedding, three of my maids were DH’s daughters and daughter-in-law, because it was important to us to have them in the wedding, even though I had a number of friends who could have filled those positions. So, I think it would be perfectly normal and not odd at all to have your DH’s female friend on your side.
Post # 13
I’ve seen it done both ways – one where there is kind of a honored party and girls stand on the brides side and guys stand on the grooms side, or one where there are bridesmen and groomswomen. I’ve seen both and they’ve been great, but I’ve only seen hurt feelings when it’s mixed – like one wedding I went to the groom had a female friend as a groomswoman, but had his sister stand on the brides side as a bridesmaid. It was pretty obvious that she was hurt that her brother had a woman on his “side” but not her, you know?
We’re doing the “honored party” style – I’m having the groom’s two sisters as bridesmaids, but I also have more BMs than he’ll have Groomsmen
Post # 14
Groomswoman! So much cooler! Also, I disagree with the whole “shared friends” thing. I mean, sure, his friends will always be welcome in our home and I will do my best to be friends with them, but I don’t expect me to be necessarily as close with them as my Fiance is! Same with my friends. My Fiance and his best woman have known each other for a long time, talk often about personal matters, have supported each other in times of trouble…definitely she should be by HIS side. As for me, my gay BFF will be my man of honor. Fiance likes him a lot, but he was MY friend first, we speak every day, and I want him at the bachelorette party, getting ready, etc etc.
Post # 15
I think it’s a little weird to have her on “your side” just because she’s a girl and you want the sides to be more even. If she’s your FI’s best friend and you know her by association I think she would be best placed on his side.