(Closed) FI’s confessions/I’m probably overreacting (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@iheartnerds:I can understand where you’re coming from. I think you’re overreacting a bit but it’s legiti he lied. He was afraid to tell you, because he knew you were insecure and didn’t want to lose you. This is why peopel need to be upfront and honest about EVERYTHING in a relationship. If not, then things like this start happening, and your mind starts racing, and you cry yourself to sleep. You need to boost your confidence so that he can confide in you when another bachelor party comes up.

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

A few things, but first its never fun to go through problems in a relationship

1) Everyone has their own stance on stripclubs, but in my opinion as long as a man behaves himself there is nothing wrong with it. And the fact that you threatened to end the relationship certainly would make someone want to hide it. Especially if he doesnt agree with your view of stripclubs. If you both have very different views, then you need to calmly come to an agreement around them. Its not fair to forbid someone from doing something, and its not fair for someone to lie about doing something.

2) Doubts. It is normal to have doubts or second thoughts. In fact I think it can be healthy because it can help people consciously think about what they want in a partner and not just “go with it because its comfortable”.

You not having an education is not an excuse for having a part-time job. There are opportunities for full-time jobs. If I knew I was going to be the bread-winner and 100% responsible for the future family, I would be worried to. Your decision and push-back on the job situation does effect him as much as you if you get married. Especially since you don’t seem willing to discuss options such as full-time work, training for a new career (I am not even talking full college, but maybe a certificate program)

I think this is a perfect time to discuss what you expect your roles to be in the relationship financially, emotionally and what your timeline is for things. IE, do you want kids? Is he worried he won’t be able to make enough money for his or your expectations without more help from you?

Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

About the stripclub thing, I completely agree with lefeymw. You can’t flat-out forbid another adult from doing something without finding out his views on it. I’d talk this one out.

I think that everyone has doubts sometimes, and sometimes they talk about them with their friends, but that is not necessarily a betrayal. To be honest, it is not much different than posting your doubts and concerns to a message board (though I am not saying that you shouldn’t, I am just pointing out the similarities). Since you are getting married, he was clearly able to move beyond those doubts. It is, of course, upsetting to find out that someone may have been unsure about the relationship in the past. Getting really upset with him, however, will just ensure that he will be very hesitant to tell you about any of his doubts or fears in the future, not a great situation for marriage.

This kind of stuff is always tough, but sometimes you need to remember that getting married does not mean that you get to know ALL of you partner’s innermost thoughts at all times. Guys need to talk stuff out with their friends just as much as girls, and you need to trust him enough to give him that privacy. I really don’t mean that to sound harsh. I know that the crazy stress of wedding planning can make everything so much more intense.

Post # 5
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it’s overreacting a little bit but I think it’s understandable given your back story. I agree that he shouldn’t have lied to you but at least he told you about it which means he’s probably thinking that he wants to start marriage with the right mentality. I’m glad he was honest about not cheating and even telling you about the phone number situation. It says a lot that even if times were tough between you too he wasn’t looking for somebody else to “make it better”.

I think that it’s not such a big deal that he told his friend that you were having problems. Think about it, you’ve probably gone to a close friend to rant about him or talk about how things are going badly. And chances are at some points you talk it out with a friend and don’t feel the need to mention it to him because you are seeing things clearer. Guys have a right to have  friends too with whom he can discuss his personal relationships. (Although if his friend’s reaction was to give him another girl’s phone number then that’s not cool).

It’s ok for you to be upset and freak out for a moment and I’m sure that in a few days you’ll have thought it through better and talk to him about it.

I think you have to talk to each other about your expectations for one another. For example your expectations for a husband is that he’s upfront with you and doesn’t feel like he needs to lie about certain things. He might tell you that his expectations for a wife is someone who hears his advice on things like jobs and that is excited about progress and going up the job ladder step by step.

 

I hope this helps!! Good luck

Post # 6
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I actually think it was brave of him to be so honest; he knew you would be upset, but despite that he wanted to be honest and express his feelings.

My suggestion would be, to take a day or two to compose your thoughts – his coming clean was painful, so you want to be sure you are composed when you talk to him.

Now, here is the hard part. You need to dicuss with him his feelings now & try hard not to get upset or defensive (remeber he is letting you know the truth b/c he wants the relationship to be stronger w/ no secrets) while I understand he was talking about your job and how it bothered him the past, he may still feel the same way. So assure him that you want the best for both of you; explain to him you understand his concerns about your job& & finances b/c you two want a future together and you want to be a partnership. Explain to him why you settled and what your future career goals are. It sounds like he wants to ensure that you are driven and want some level of career advancement in your life. The two of you can then have a clear expectation of each other and what to expect in the future.

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Resentment due to money inequality in a relationship is a real and  important issue to resolve. Does he think you should go back to school? Where does he see your career in 15 years? Is he comfortable with that? Does your vision/desire with respect to your job/career match his?

These are things that should be settled prior to marriage. Otherwise, they could really blow up down the road. The fact that he isn’t communicating with you about it is also worrying – that’s the most basic – and most important – component of a healthy relationship.

Post # 8
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I totally agree with @crayfish and @AnnieAAA – money/job inequality is a really important issue to address. If he felt that it was important enough to mention in your most recent discussion he might still feel the same way. This is why I mentioned tallking about each others expectations.

THe reason that this is so important is that even though right now it might not seem like such a big deal, in the future it might lead to a perception of differences in worth. For example, it’s always a red flag when one person in a relationship feels like they are worth more/less than the other. The person that feels they’re worth more could have a problem respecting the other one and the person that feels they’re worth less could feel that they might be dumped at any moment or that they’re not worthy of making decisions and opinions.

You should bring this up and ask him how he would feel about you not going back to school or getting a different job. Put him on the spot and ask him how he feels about talking about you and your career to other people at his job or his superiors.

 

I’m not saying that this is the case between you two but I think it’s something worth talking about. My Fiance and I have talked about it a few times (he’s a software engineer and I’m a grad student). It’s funny because sometimes I feel that he’s worth more than me because he’s this super intelligent and hard working man in a good company and he tells me he feels I’m worth more because I’m getting a PhD in a very reputable university. I guess we both have really high expectations for each other.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You guys are definitely going to need to figure out the financial stuff. Although it sounds like he may not be bothered by the finances of it as much as the fact that you know it’s kinda a shitty job but have no desire to leave because youu’re comfortable.  I’ll be honest, if I was with a guy who had a super-shitty part time job who wasn’t even trying to find anything better because he was comfortable there, I would definitely have doubts about the relationship, that’s just not a very adult move. For your sake as well as the relationships, I think you need to look for something full-time. He was in the wrong for not discussing it with you before – but now that he is trying to, you’re super upset and hurt, so I can see why he never wanted to bring it up.

But yeah I would have flipped about the strip club. I basically see being in the same room with a naked girl who is not me as cheating, end of story. I know lots of bees will disagree but those are my feelings, Fiance is aware of them and has never been to a strip club anyways, even when he was single or before we were together,

 

 

EDIT: You posted about the stay at home mom thing as I was writing my post. In that case I’d still have the finances discussion with him. My Fiance has suggested before that I don’t make much money at work and maybe it would be better for me to stay home. I told him that before that ever happened we’d be having a serious finances discussion, because I refuse to be a stay at home wife/mom wh has to run every purchase by her husband first.

Post # 11
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@iheartnerds: Great!

Since this is a great time to have open conversations be sure you talk about (if you havent already) how many kids you want, when and what you will do when they become school aged or high school aged and out of the house. This has become a big problem for my aunt whose kids are now all in college or out of college. 

Also talk about what you are comfortable saving each month for retirement, what your expectations are for vacations and other luxuries. When one person makes the money these expectations really need to be on the same page to prevent future resentments and dilemas.

 

Post # 12
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

haha yeah Fiance knows that I would flipout if he went to a stripclub. We’ve talked about this and I made sure he would NOT be going to one for his bach party. And I’d be pretty angry with him if he did go.

Post # 13
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the big thing here is that you two weren’t communicating. My fiance calls it “emotional hygiene” to talk about stuff that bugs us when it bugs us–he says it’s like flossing, it’s uncomfortable and nobody really wants to do it, but it has to be done.

If your fiance was feeling doubts, he SHOULD have talked to you about them. And now that he has, you need to talk to him, too. You need to set up some plans for how you are going to deal with this stuff as a couple in the future. Some people have an “airing of the grievances” where they get together once a week to talk about relationship stuff; other people talk about it as it comes up. But you have to be able to say to each other, “Hey, this thing is bothering me,” and talk about it in a rational way. Use “I” statements, like “When I brought up another job, I felt like you weren’t hearing me,” or “I feel like you don’t think my job is good enough and I worry that you don’t respect me because of it.”

The conversations have to happen. You can’t skate by on mutual affection. Eventually, no matter how good a relationship is, there’s conflict, and both of you need to be able to handle it and talk to each other about it unless you want resentment to fester. Not putting the socks in the hamper can turn into a blow-out fight if nobody’s been talking about the real problems.

It is GOOD that he brought it up. It’s good that he told you now. But he needs to be able to commit to telling you stuff that happens in the future, stuff he feels, stuff he does, anything that affects the relationship, no matter how minor it seems. Some guys have trouble talking about their emotions (and some women, too), but it HAS. TO. HAPPEN. Emotional communication isn’t optional for a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

(And, just from personal experience, if the words “health, fulfilling relationship” make you burst into tears, you might not be in one.)

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