Post # 1
So I need to get this out, it has been bothering me for a solid two weeks now.
A few weeks ago I went to a wedding for someone in Fi’s extended family, Fiance was best man, so I was seated with his cousins instead – no big deal, I know his cousins and am more than comfortable making light conversation with them for a night. I would say it’s reasonably well known within the family that I (and ‘we’) am on the fence about having kids or not. There’s been some light hearted jabs made at us in the past, but meh, I’ve always just shaken it off.
At this wedding I received the most intense grilling of my life about having children by these two female cousins. It started off innocently enough with the typical “so have you guys caved and decided to have kids yet?”, to which I replied with my stock standard “at this stage we just really aren’t sure and it will be something we decide together in the future”. The conversation sort of turned to other things so I thought we were done with the subject. After a few hours and several more drinks later, one of the cousins turned to me and said “no offence, but I think people who don’t have kids are the most selfish people”. Safe to say, I was absolutely gobsmacked. What the hell do you say to that? I sort of tried to brush it off, but then the other female cousin joined in and I received statements like “how can you live a fulfilled life without kids” “life isn’t worth living without kids” “you’ll never know what real live is if you don’t have kids”: And on it went. I was so shocked all I could do was sit there and stutter out really pathetic responses. I was also angry. I have endometriosis. I have had surgery to remove lesions, but it took me so long to get a diagnosis there was significant damage caused to my uterus, bladder and a Fallopian tube – so I may not be able to have children at all, I’ve been told by my doctors it will be one of those ‘we won’t know until you try’ situations. I said this to both of these girls, thinking screw it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of anyway. The response was “oh pfft I know blah and blah who have endometriosis and they both have kids”. I was like oookkkk, but every woman with endo is different??
I obviously told my Fi about all of this, and how it really upset me / made me really really angry. He has brushed it off as “who cares, it’s their opinion, just ignore it” and “they’re country girls who just can’t understand anyone who doesn’t want kids”. He is probably right, I should just shrug my shoulders and let it go. But he wasn’t there at the table with me when I copped this barrage of nasty comments. The next time I see these girls will be at my own wedding. I’m stressing that they will say something nasty to me on the day!
No, I’m not going to uninvited them or cause a scene or anything ridiculous like that. But I’d just rather not be grilled about mine & Fi’s personal procreating decisions on my wedding day. Just venting. Has anyone else ever copped backlash like this over their decision to have / not have kids?? How did you deal?? Especially when you are faced with the possibility of having that decision taken away from you by your disease anyway?
Post # 2
They’re entitled to their opinion even if they’re way too pushy and obnoxious with sharing it. If the subject comes up again, just say “that’s a private topic between my fi and myself” and then change the subject.
Post # 3
fairybread052 : I suggest you have a stock answer prepared for that type of situation ” ___ and I are trying to have children but so far we have been unsuccessful. Every month is a heartbreaking time for us. In the future, could you please not raise this subject as it is very hurtful”.
I don’t think you owe people like this the 100% truth. Go ahead and feel free to make them feel as bad as they make you.
Post # 4
fairybread052 : I’m so sorry you went through that. Those people are totally classless.
When I got engaged my cousin’s girlfriend cornered me and basically said “And now you can start having babies!” I said I was leaving the baby-having to my sister and we wouldn’t be procreating. She proceeded to spend the next half hour telling me how I “had to” have “at least one”. I was very poliet and just kept repeating that having kids wasn’t for us and it wouldn’t be happening. The kicker? She’s almost 60 and has been my cousin’s girlfriend for my entire life. They don’t have kids and never plan to actually get married. I have no idea what made her get all “have to” with me, but I finally gave up being nice and said “LOOK WHO’S TALKING?!” to which several other women at the party said “I was wondering when you’d point that out!”
Ultimately- I think people who have kids can’t imagine life without them. That’s nice I suppose. I think some of it is also just wanting to validate their choices. You give up A LOT to be a parent and so you better be pretty damn sure it’s the best thing ever. You just have to think “well bless your heart” and try to ignore them. It takes a pretty simple mind to not be able to see any other way of living than your own experience.
And the good news is you will likely have nowhere near enough time to actually have that conversation with them at your own wedding. There will be too many other people and things to pull your attention. And if there aren’t, pretend there are. I found it super easy to totally avoid the cousins who were annoying me at my wedding by just saying “Oh! My mother in law/the photographer/great aunt Ruth is waving me over.” and running away.
(Alternately, I always joke that if people keep bugging me about it I’m going to start saying “Well we want kids but he just likes finishing on my face so much and I hate to disappoint him” or something else so horrifyingly uncomfortable that they will never ever want to bring it up again.)
Post # 5
Fuck them. Next time make it clear it is not a topic for conversation. Wash, rinse, repeat. Do not engage, and if you need as they won’t respect the boundaries…walk away.
They are entitled to their opinions, they are not entitled to be assholes who keep pushing their opinions on you.
Post # 6
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink.
we are cfbc and I have been told the same. Not worth getting upset about, meh
Post # 7
I’ve never understood how not having kids is selfish. They were being shitty people. I’m sorry you had to deal with them and thier ridiculous opinions they had no business sharing.
Post # 8
I think everyone has had a situation where people have said rude and hurtful things to them. Those people are awful, no doubt about it, but I’m not going to focus on them – they’re not worth it.
My take out from this is that you need to work on setting firm boundaries. When someone asks me something personal like that, if I want to answer I do so confidently and move on. Oftentimes people are polite and simply asking out of curiosity. If they were to say something extraordinarily rude like those girls did, at the first comment i would firmly call them on it “I respect your opinion however I find it a very rude and hurtful one. I don’t want to talk about this any further”. If they persisted I would literally just get up and remove myself from the situation without saying a word or showing any emotion. I wouldn’t care if it was middle of speeches, I am not down with being disrespected.
My choices are my choices. End of story. I don’t have the energy nor desire to explain my reasoning to anyone except close friends or justify them to anyone, ever.
PS if I was in a bitchy mood and it wasn’t upsetting me I might play with them a little and turn the questions back onto them to make them look really foolish. Like, just reflect their own questions back and ask them intrusive questions about why their life was so unfulfilling and why they didn’t feel love before kids and how sorry I felt for them but in a sickly sweet way.
Post # 9
MexiPino : baha I like that! “We love the idea of kids, but we love anal more :/”
Post # 10
Beegritte : MexiPino : haha you ladies crack me up!! Definitely filing those away for future use. Thanks for making me smile about this!
Post # 11
Aside from being caught of gaurd, I think your most concerning issue is how your Fiance brushed off your feelings instead of assuring you that your feelings are valid and that he has your back.
Maybe tell him you need reassurance that he has your back and that he will help mitigate any annoying people who can’t hold their booze at your wedding.
Post # 12
I love the whole, “Well, bless your heart! Thanks for letting me know,” comments. They now KNOW you have a medical issue. If they continue to talk that way to you, well, you cannot fix people like that. And if their entire lives are based around their reproduction? These are likely people that you don’t want to spend a lot of time with anyway. At your own wedding you will be so busy and happy that you won’t have more than a few minutes to talk to them anyway. After that, block their calls.
Post # 13
labellamerci : he brushed off their opinions, not my feelings. When I told him later that night he obviously gave me a kiss and a cuddle and told me I was enough for him etc. His opinion was that their opinion is worth nothing and just ignore it. Thats why i said he was probably right, I should just ignore them! I guess it’s just always slightly different for the female when it is your body, and I feel like as a woman, I am the one that cops the judgement about children, not him. I guess it’s just a bit of a sensitive issue for me given the problems I have.
Post # 14
Omg. Zomg. I swear some people.
Best reply I’ve ever heard for these things is “we are already doing our part so it’s in God’s hands now!” Try arguing with the ‘God’ argument. Hehehehehe.
Post # 15
fairybread052 : I really, really sympathize with you as someone who is CFBC. In an ideal world no one would be inconsiderate assholes about others’ life choices. But I think your fiance actually made a good point about them having a very limited viewpoint and life goals (“country girls”). No offense to moms and dads out there, but there is more to life than procreating, but for these ladies, they literally cannot imagine doing anything else, which is just sad IMO. So in the end, who cares what these close minded women think of your choices? Limit your exposure to them; you don’t need them in your life.