(Closed) FI's cousins told me I was selfish and would live an unfulfilled life!?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7433 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

They’re entitled to their opinion even if they’re way too pushy and obnoxious with sharing it. If the subject comes up again, just say “that’s a private topic between my fi and myself” and then change the subject.

Post # 3
Member
47255 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

fairybread052 :  I suggest you have a stock answer prepared for that type of situation ” ___ and I are trying to have children but so far we have been unsuccessful. Every month is a heartbreaking time for us. In the future, could you please not raise this subject as it is very hurtful”.

I don’t think you owe people like this the 100% truth. Go ahead and feel free to make them feel as bad as they make you.

Post # 4
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

fairybread052 :  I’m so sorry you went through that. Those people are totally classless. 

When I got engaged my cousin’s girlfriend cornered me and basically said “And now you can start having babies!” I said I was leaving the baby-having to my sister and we wouldn’t be procreating. She proceeded to spend the next half hour telling me how I “had to” have “at least one”. I was very poliet and just kept repeating that having kids wasn’t for us and it wouldn’t be happening. The kicker? She’s almost 60 and has been my cousin’s girlfriend for my entire life. They don’t have kids and never plan to actually get married. I have no idea what made her get all “have to” with me, but I finally gave up being nice and said “LOOK WHO’S TALKING?!” to which several other women at the party said “I was wondering when you’d point that out!”

Ultimately- I think people who have kids can’t imagine life without them. That’s nice I suppose. I think some of it is also just wanting to validate their choices. You give up A LOT to be a parent and so you better be pretty damn sure it’s the best thing ever. You just have to think “well bless your heart” and try to ignore them. It takes a pretty simple mind to not be able to see any other way of living than your own experience. 

And the good news is you will likely have nowhere near enough time to actually have that conversation with them at your own wedding. There will be too many other people and things to pull your attention. And if there aren’t, pretend there are. I found it super easy to totally avoid the cousins who were annoying me at my wedding by just saying “Oh! My mother in law/the photographer/great aunt Ruth is waving me over.” and running away.

(Alternately, I always joke that if people keep bugging me about it I’m going to start saying “Well we want kids but he just likes finishing on my face so much and I hate to disappoint him” or something else so horrifyingly uncomfortable that they will never ever want to bring it up again.)

Post # 5
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Fuck them. Next time make it clear it is not a topic for conversation. Wash, rinse, repeat. Do not engage, and if you need as they won’t respect the boundaries…walk away.

They are entitled to their opinions, they are not entitled to be assholes who keep pushing their opinions on you.

Post # 6
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink.

we are cfbc and I have been told the same. Not worth getting upset about, meh

Post # 7
Member
9862 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’ve never understood how not having kids is selfish. They were being shitty people. I’m sorry you had to deal with them and thier ridiculous opinions they had no business sharing.

Post # 8
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

I think everyone has had a situation where people have said rude and hurtful things to them. Those people are awful, no doubt about it, but I’m not going to focus on them – they’re not worth it.

My take out from this is that you need to work on setting firm boundaries. When someone asks me something personal like that, if I want to answer I do so confidently and move on. Oftentimes people are polite and simply asking out of curiosity. If they were to say something extraordinarily rude like those girls did, at the first comment i would firmly call them on it “I respect your opinion however I find it a very rude and hurtful one. I don’t want to talk about this any further”. If they persisted I would literally just get up and remove myself from the situation without saying a word or showing any emotion. I wouldn’t care if it was middle of speeches, I am not down with being disrespected.

My choices are my choices. End of story. I don’t have the energy nor desire to explain my reasoning to anyone except close friends or justify them to anyone, ever. 

PS if I was in a bitchy mood and it wasn’t upsetting me I might play with them a little and turn the questions back onto them to make them look really foolish. Like, just reflect their own questions back and ask them intrusive questions about why their life was so unfulfilling and why they didn’t feel love before kids and how sorry I felt for them but in a sickly sweet way. 

Post # 9
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

MexiPino :  baha I like that! “We love the idea of kids, but we love anal more :/”

Post # 11
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Aside from being caught of gaurd, I think your most concerning issue is how your Fiance brushed off your feelings instead of assuring you that your feelings are valid and that he has your back.

Maybe tell him you need reassurance that he has your back and that he will help mitigate any annoying people who can’t hold their booze at your wedding.

Post # 12
Member
6672 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I love the whole, “Well, bless your heart! Thanks for letting me know,” comments. They now KNOW you have a medical issue. If they continue to talk that way to you, well, you cannot fix people like that. And if their entire lives are based around their reproduction? These are likely people that you don’t want to spend a lot of time with anyway. At your own wedding you will be so busy and happy that you won’t have more than a few minutes to talk to them anyway. After that, block their calls.

Post # 14
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Omg. Zomg. I swear some people.

Best reply I’ve ever heard for these things is “we are already doing our part so it’s in God’s hands now!” Try arguing with the ‘God’ argument. Hehehehehe.

Post # 15
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

fairybread052 :  I really, really sympathize with you as someone who is CFBC. In an ideal world no one would be inconsiderate assholes about others’ life choices. But I think your fiance actually made a good point about them having a very limited viewpoint and life goals (“country girls”). No offense to moms and dads out there, but there is more to life than procreating, but for these ladies, they literally cannot imagine doing anything else, which is just sad IMO. So in the end, who cares what these close minded women think of your choices? Limit your exposure to them; you don’t need them in your life. 

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