(Closed) FI's cousins told me I was selfish and would live an unfulfilled life!?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

fairybread052 :  Good! 🙂 I never thought of it from that perspective, but you are right bee. Why should you (women in general) be made to feel the sole reason for not having children? Just like having children, it takes two to decide what’s best for them. I’m sorry you had such a shitty experience with two uncouth country folk.

They were over the line. Next time, literally hold up your hand and say end of discussion. Show them what an example of true class looks like.

 

 

Post # 17
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I’m not above flat out telling someone, “it’s none of your business and this topic is no longer up for discussion.” And that would be the end of my addressing the issue with them, defending my position, or acknowledging their questions or comments about it. Anytime they brought it up they would be met with dead air and a smile. They’d eventually get the point.

Post # 18
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I think sometimes men don’t understand how often women are grilled like this and expected to answer for all of their decisions as a couple. It’s like before my Darling Husband and I were engaged, when his family would ask me, “When are you guys getting married?” as if I was the only one in charge of that.

Sometimes it stops people in their tracks if you just call them out, like, “You’re making me feel very uncomfortable” or even “You are actually being very rude right now.”

Post # 19
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hmm. I find it too be the opposite of selfishness. People who are not certain about having  (I’d even go so far as to say looking forward to having) kids, shouldn’t have kids  if it’s not your cup of tea, don’t do it. And F anyone who gives you crap for it. 

Next time you could try “Are you purposefully being rude and insensitive?” I’ve used it before. it’s always thrown people off, but more importantly, it shuts then up. 

Post # 20
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

“While you are enjoying cleaning up puke, changing diapers, attending Saturday morning soccer games, and spending thousands of dollars on a tiny human, we choose to use our DINK status to go on trips, do what we want on weekends, and retire earlier than anticipated.”

What people who assume everyone wants kids don’t understand is that choosing to not have kids is a VERY conscious choice.  Someone who is purposely not having kids recognizes that they do not want to be a parent.  Honestly most people who choose not to have kids are actually more self aware than those who have kids because “that’s just what people do”.  No…it’s not what everyone does…

Personally as a teacher that actually has made me question if I really, truly want kids of my own.  This actually came up during a lunch conversation and one of the other teachers was SO surprised.  She even asked “who is going to take care of you when you are old???”  Ummmmmm….  I spend time with kids all day and some of them are honestly super snotty.  I love coming home to a quiet house with just my husband and cats and I’m not sure I want to change that.  If we did have kids we actually would likely adopt.  I would be more than ok not going through pregnancy and even MORE ok not changing a diaper in my life (I never babysat so I have never changed a diaper before).

ETA: I forgot to address the “selfish” part of this.  That makes me INSANELY mad.  Someone is making a conscious choice for themselves to not have kids because they realize they do not want them.  That is preventing a child from ever coming into a situation where they are unwanted.  If you ask me that’s pretty damn UNselfish…

Post # 21
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Scary that someone that ignorant thinks they are capable of raising children. Gross. Imo people who say these things are projecting big time. Nuts to her. 

Post # 22
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

fairybread052 :  have as little to do with this person as possible. she may be at the wedding but I wouldn’t invite her to any future baby shower!

Post # 24
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

God I would love to be snarky and say something along the lines of yes I suppose people who don’t have much else going on in their lives would need that. . . 

Post # 26
Member
6469 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’ve got several friends who are CFBC and they’ve got some great responses to people who start challenging their reproductive choices – mostly because they’re so hilariously brazen.

One friend says “I can’t have kids. I have to kick it. I have to drink wine and do whatever I want to do.”

Another one usually says something along the lines of how much she dislikes children but adores animals but she can’t give birth to those.

Interestingly, both of these women are teachers/child care providers and are amazing with kids while I consider hours and hours spent in the company of other people’s children to be my idea of hell.

I’ve got one kid and may have another but I often tell people that I’m not interested in having more children because I have to save my budget to get my nails done. I also once told my husband (who would love to have several more kids if I was willing) that I’d let him take me on lots of international trips to compensate for all of the kids we wouldn’t be having.

I think the fact that you were cornered at a table with women at a family event where you were trying to be polite and they were 1- stomping boundaries and 2- passing judgment on your life choices would have made things super upsetting and uncomfortable for anyone.

I also think people throw around words like ‘selfish’ sometimes because it bothers them to see people living their lives the way they want to and not doing “what they are supposed to do.” Whatever that means. I’ve never really been interested in living with a partner- my husband and I do not live together and are very happy and it drives my grandmother nuts. She is so triggered by me doing what I want to do with my life and being happy because she wasn’t able to do that herself. So when she goes on a tirade about me I take it as a sign I must be doing something right.

Another way to disarm them would be the next time they say not having kids is selfish to say “hmmm. Maybe I am selfish. I’ll ponder that while I’m sleeping in this weekend. You think on it too when your kid wakes you up at dawn.”

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living your life for yourself and doing what makes you happy- for some people that is the epitome of being selfish.

Post # 27
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

WOW they were RUDE as f***! I would’ve called them on their bullshit. Like PPs have said, next time give them a full dose of snark and make them feel like crap for asking such a stupid and personal question.

I don’t bring up kids to anyone, even if I know they’ve talked about wanting kids, because you have NO idea what other people are going through fertility or life-wise!

Some women could want kids desperately but have tried and cannot or are trying and haven’t been successful yet. Some want kids but due to other circumstances in their life, are holding off on trying (finances, etc.). Some have had a miscarriage that no one but them knows about and it’s hard for them to talk about kids right because they’re still grieving, regardless of whether they want kids or not in the future. They may never have wanted kids, had an accidental pregnancy, and had an abortion that no one but them knows about. They may never want kids and be actively trying to prevent them. They may have mixed feelings about having children due to medical complications or genetic/hereditary issues that run in their family. 

In all of these cases, it’s not anyone else’s business when people have/want to have kids! Mind you own damn uterus nosy women!!!

Post # 29
Member
6469 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

fairybread052 :  Oh yes! I bet he came home with some amazing stories to share!

Post # 30
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, these cousins sound awful! I am sure the alcohol was talking, too, which likely only made things worse. Seriously, don’t give them or their stupid opinions another thought. It’s just not worth it. FWIW, I have a large pack of cousins and I was the very last to get married. One of them had been married, had kids, divorced and was on to wife no. 2 before I even met my dh.

I came home from out of state for xmas and my now dh and I announced our engagement. The above noted cousin (male) got really drunk- not really sure why- and then said to me, ” Really? Wow. You’re getting married. I never thought you would. I always thought you’d end up like XXX.”

XXX is this crazy old lady at the end of his street who lives with her 500 cats in a horrible old house that smells like pee.

Really? that’s what my cousin thought was my future? Thanks. Just thanks.

Hope that one brought a smile to your face 🙂 I was pretty annoyed at the time but now it’s funny … it just took me awhile to see the humor.

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