(Closed) FI's cousins told me I was selfish and would live an unfulfilled life!?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
681 posts
Busy bee

Horseradish :  They’re entitled to their opinions, but they aren’t entitled to harass her with them.

Post # 32
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

When peple start saying stuff like that it makes me question their motives. Could these ladies feel somehow trapped and unfulfilled and in the ‘misery loves company’ frame of mind? Could they be envious of a lifestyle where you can take great vacations, have lots of extra money and freedom and perhaps finding it easier to keep your figure? I am a mom and I wouldn’t change it however I can very much appreciate the personal choice people make not to have kids. With everything there are pro’s and con’s, everyone needs to decide what is best for them and nature needs to cooperate. They need to mind their own business.

 

 

Post # 33
Member
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

catapple :  which is pretty much what I said.

Post # 34
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Ugh, some people. I get why the comment was hurtful. I’m sorry you are dealing with this and facing the health issues you have. People don’t really think before they speak! You are not selfish, don’t even go down that hole! Parenting is a choice, but often happens… naturally. You have very right to make your decisions based on what you are dealing with. Don’t try to convince people like this otherwise, they aren’t open to it anyways!

 

Lately my new motto has been a line from Nicki Minaj in Ariana Grande’s Side to Side song about how she gives zero f’s and has zero chill – honestly, when things get me wound up because of close minded opionated people, I just repeat that line to myself – by the second time I actually believe it and let the comments roll off 😛

Post # 35
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee

As others have said they are entitled to their opinion but at the same time you didn’t actually invite their opinion. It’s like thinking someone in the office is wearing an ugly dress then going telling them…they didn’t ask what you thought so why say anything?

I hate when people are so narrow minded that they can’t understand how anyone would want to live differently to them.

Post # 36
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I was once told I was selfish by my Mother-In-Law and GMIL, because I (and DH), and I quote, “didn’t want to give them grandkids while they are still young”. Darling Husband explained to them that are reasons were not “wanting to be mean to them” (as they stated), but all they could hear was “you won’t be getting any grandchildren”.

They have slowly stopped insisting as much, but now and there still throw out things like “you are missing out of life”, “don’t you feel the need to have kids?”, or my favorite, “are you sure you don’t want kids right now?”. They hace even gone as far as to offer to take care of out kid for us, as long as we decide to have it. It makes me wonder if they only see me as a “making babies” machine.

I also wanted to add that men are also questioned by this but in a different way. Darling Husband has told me that when he tells male co-workers he is married and CFBC, he is often asked: “so, why did you get married?” which he finds to be such a stupid logic (his words). He also gets the feeling that he is criticized for having married without the reason of having kids.

Female co-workers, on the other side, tend to assume he is the one who made the decision and I am the victim dealing with the consequences. They often “try to convince him”, and even once said “but what about your wife? she must want kids”, to which he replied “no, actually, she was the one who sold me into CFBC”, and the co-worker just went by on how he must change his mind because of poor me and my “giving birth” instincts.

So, I agree with pp that say people tend to say out loud what they regret from their own lives. Try and let it go, OP. They are just one small bunch of closed mind people, in a sea of people.

 

Post # 37
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

This is the stock answer I’d bring out if somebody’s being rude and overbearing with their opinion (if they’re just a little annoying but otherwise well intentioned a politer “I think we’ll have to agree to disagree would be more appropriate!”):

“I find that those who are so strongly opinionated on why others HAVE to breed are either unintelligent, uneducated, or have unresolved emotional issues that cause them to project onto others; therefore I’m pretty uninterested in what you have to say and certainly won’t be engaging with you on the topic.”

Any further attempt to get a reaction from you:

“I think I’ve made my view on the extent to which I value your opinion pretty clear. I have nothing further to say.”

Post # 38
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

fairybread052 :  Wow, people really think that?? I’m sorry they were so rude, especially because it sounds like yours is even a medical reason for not having them. I am much older than all of you and have chosen to not have kids and trust me, I am very fulfilled and no one has told me I’m selfish. I mean, I don’t even get that one. Who am I selfish to?? I have plenty of love and fun in my life! I DO get that I will never understand the love of a child, but that’s not the end all be all in life. That’s why I have dogs! :-p

I would’ve laughed when they said I’ll never be fulfilled, but in your case, I would try to come up with a couple good comebacks for the next time and brush it off to plain, old igorance. It’s ridiculous.

Post # 39
Member
4249 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

fairybread052 :  Haha, I wouldn’t suggest actually saying that to them!  I simply hate when people say having kids is the “best thing ever” when really…it’s not…

Post # 40
Member
9569 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

bee, I’m so sorry that this happened to you.  I wish I had been there to help you out: standing up for other people is my favorite thing ever.  (Standing up for myself, on the other hand, doesn’t come naturally, lol.)

The other bees gave lots of great advice and insight.  I endrose most of the really smart comebacks people have suggested. 😛

Post # 41
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It’s literally none of their business. If it were me, I would say, “Hey, I don’t want to discuss this and would appreciate it if you would stop talking about it. It’s none of your business.” It’s not okay for them to keep bringing it up and making you feel bad. 

Post # 42
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

They were definitely rude in the way they delivered their opinion, but it is their opinion nonetheless. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life choices. But if you really don’t end up having children, just be prepared that there are many people who feel the same way as your FI’s cousins and will judge you… doesn’t make it right, that’s just the reality of the world we live in. Just say it is private and refuse to discuss it.

Post # 43
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

 

 

Sitting on the fence about it or deciding to definitely not have, it’s no one else’s business until it starts involving them directly.

What a rude bunch of assholes.

Both SO and I have hereditary diseases and we feel it would be selfish to have kids who could end up having both of our different diseases. not having kids is NOT selfish. How is it selfish? No one is entitled to enjoy the results of you having sex with someone.

I like what pp said, “Are you purposefully being rude and insensitive?”

Post # 44
Member
8556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

rubyhagen :  

Yes I like that direct approach too.  I used to say  , ‘well you can’t always  have what you want ” hoping they would realise what that actually meant in terms of inability  .Some did, but for the really crass I had to say “I don’t want to talk about it if you don’t mind ” It was amazing how many got  got offended with me as if I was the insensitive one !. I wish I’d just  come out and said something  like  ” why exactly are you prying in this hurtful manner?” 

Now I’m  older , the ‘well you can’t always get what you want, can you?  ”  seems to be OK again. But ,and it still pisses me off ,  no one  ( that I know of) has ever asked  HIM.

  OP , I hope you go the direct route with the crass cousins and/or any others   , how dare they  , esp  after you have told  them of the endo. etc.   

Post # 45
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I had people trying to tell me to have kids as quick as possible the moment our engagement was official and it steadily increased as our ceremony day drew closer. We want to wait because of our current financial situation but I too have some potential reproductive issues (irregular menstrual cycles all my life, may or may not have PCOS) and fertility problems seem to skip generations in my family, so theres a very real chance that we may have trouble conceiving when we’re finally ready. People usually back off when I disclose that part to them. Hopefully the cousins will too.

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