(Closed) FI’s ex sent a facebook message…why do women do this?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 85
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My best friend in HS was very similar to this girl.  Every once in a while she’ll write me a FB message in this very flowery prose about how close we used to be, and how sad it is that we’ve fallen out of each other’s lives.  I’ll usually write back and we’ll chat for a day or two then another 3 years of no-contact. 

Honestly, it doesn’t seem threatening to me, just kind of sad.  There are all kinds of ‘hidden messages’ you could find, but she’s probably just nostalgic and inconsiderate.  Your Fiance has moved on with her life, she’s still living in the past.

Post # 86
Member
3066 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ugh Stupid girl. I love how she writes “I had to click “reply” because of messages you sent me”. Purposely trying to make problems because she knows he’ll show you the message. I hope he responded to her “LEAVE ME ALONE CRAZY”!

Post # 87
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

AHA! I found it!

Heres the rom com crap email from a woman article I mentioned

article

enjoy!

Post # 88
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t think she’s CRAZY, but she really did not need to go into all that detail. Sounds like a bit of a drama queen.  I would say hello, but not much else. 

Honestly, I have an ex who used to message me about once every few months until he got a girlfriend.  We were strictly friends.  I messaged him after not hearing from him in a long time, just to say hello, and got no response.  I honestly think (although I obviously can’t be 100% certain) he’s not “allowed” to even answer to say a quick hello, and I think it’s silly.  I mean, to me it is SO beyond obvious that I don’t want to get between them and who cares that we dated years ago?  But at the same time when I didn’t get an answer, I just stopped messaging him and I don’t feel a huge loss for it.  And my message was like three sentences, not a few paragraphs!

ETA: Part of why I think he’s not “allowed” is because of his personality too, not just because his messages stopped!

Post # 90
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@FutureMrsBondo: I’m going to give you my perspective since I was in a situation where I was the dreaded “EX” that is in reference here.

So I grew up with my best friend who was a girl, and we had 2 best friend guys. So it was a pair of girls BFF’s, and a pair of guy BFF’s that always hung out. One of the guys, I’ll call him “Eric” for this post, and I were extremely close friends and we had dabbled through the years with each other in a romantic interest. He was madly (his words) in love with me for several years, and I didn’t exactly feel the same romantic connection to him. Anyways, I eventually stopped the madness & told him that while I was attracted to him and loved him for being my best friend, I would no longer drag him along with some false hope that we could ever end up together, because I just didn’t feel the same love he felt for me, toward him. (Trust me, I wasn’t so harsh when I said that to his face!) 

In the end, we almost completely stopped being friends because it was too painful for him, and he eventually got another girlfriend. For some really territorial, yet still terrible reason, I was jealous and always felt like I was the girl that made his eyes light up like no other girl could so I wrote to him occasionally to see if he would respond so that I could make his new girlfriend jealous and see if he really did love me still, and if he would always think I was the one. It was very wrong of me and I regret it a lot now that I am with the love of my life and try to picture the shoe on the other foot.

Moral of the story is that she might not being trying to get back with him so much as she is trying to see if he still has feelings toward her in order to make her feel “validated” and boost her self-esteem. It was my reasoning, and it might be hers too. Either way, she would be wrong to do what she is doing just as I was.

Post # 91
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@FutureMrsBondo: not a problem at all! And honestly? I think the ex in your situation was almost worse because she didnt even mention your existance at all! that speaks volumes in my opinion.

Post # 92
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@Mrs. Ranger: Same with his ex, he had told me a lot of terrible things about her, and she is the complete drama and attention seeking type of person.  I just ignored it because I knew anything I sent back would fuel her attention fire!  Glad to know I’m not the only one.  🙂

Post # 93
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Kat: Thanks for your honesty and reasoning. This is why the whole romantic appeal of Rom-Com glasses can be very bad in the long run, because it not only puts the other girlfriend into a situation like the OP, but eventually the writer always regrets it, because they (hopefully) come to see it as a moment of weakness on their part. Im glad you found someone who loves you muchly tho!

Post # 95
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

REALLY??? this makes me frustrated for you.. the message was written well so she tried not to look like sucha creep… but she is end of story.. Im sorry you and your Fiance are going through this.. How did her respond. and i agree good man for telling you right away!! 

Post # 96
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Fiance had an ex and she tried “reconnecting” with him through fb and myspace. After many attempts to ignored her..her emails became angry…telling him how he could do better than me..that she thought he had better taste than that…which resulted him blocking her!…I thought it was comical..wished he didn’t block her…i kinda miss “what the ex said”

what i didn’t think was comical (or missed) at the time was a bff of my ex (we were engaged to be married and he was killed).  She was a pyscho. She would call him then hang up or tell him to call her back (he never called anyone). She went out of her way to make my work life a living hell.  She would find ways to get me in trouble with my boss (we worked together but different department)..only my boss loved me and wrote her off as being insane.  She then made up lies and it would get to me through my ex..one of which was how he proposed to her and she turned him down (he left the company shortly after I started working).  She then tored a picture of them from before we met and mailed him his half of the photo.  When all else failed..she sent me a LONG email at work “this is war” which i ignored and weeks later, I received another email suggesting i “move in with her.”  She would send my ex emails and fb messages telling him what “position” she liked it (very R-rated stuff)…and she was 15 years older than my ex and 20 years older than me (i’m almost 30).  Even now that my ex is out of the picture..she gives me hell..but she would be making a mistake to send me an email with her antics. She’s old enough to be my mother..but acts like she’s still stuck in high school.  

Post # 97
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Bellanouva: Thanks for appreciating my honest, not my proudest moments, but I never hide my flaws if they can help someone else. As far as rom-com glasses go, gotta say, I read that link about the crap email and I NEVER sent anything like that to Eric! I doubt it even really made his Girlfriend very jealous because it was always just FB open comments saying it would be nice to see him and I hoped he was doing well. I mean, I think I just wanted to get under her skin and see if he would reply, but I never went on some long winded poetic, or creepy, rant thankfully.

Post # 98
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@swtTea: And then there are the scary exes like the one you mentioned :S Im sorry that happened to you.

Post # 99
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have to say, without knowing anyone’s situation, there is a whole lot of girl-on-girl hate happening here. It was actually hard for me to read all of it. What if we accepted her intentions as they are stated? Sometimes, when people are in our lives powerfully it is hard to simply erase them. The people we are in relationships with shape our own identities. If he (and you) don’t want a relationship with her, just tell her that. I don’t know why its necessary to tear her emotional letter apart on an Internet message board.

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