Post # 1
Fiance and I are having our semi-destination wedding in a very popular vacation spot. Fiance and I are long distance, and Fiance had planned to fly in early (several days prior to the wedding) to spend time with me as I get the last minute preparations done. FI’s family is now coming with him, which is fine, but now they have planned a family holiday around our wedding such that Fiance will be gone and busy with them up until the rehearsal. I know I will be busy with friends, relatives, my own family, and wedding preparations, and I doubt that Fiance and I could have spent lots of quality alone time together just before the wedding, but the fact that he is taking off to do holiday things with his family before the wedding is making me feel a bit deserted. His family tends to do this quite a bit with him — they frequently require that he does things with them and emphasize that this “could be the last birthday before your married” or “the last family holiday before your married”. Fiance had wanted to come and spend time with me, but they have made a huge deal about doing this holiday and have swept him up into it and guilted him into thinking that because he’s about to go on honeymoon with me and because he’ll be spending the rest of his life with me, he owes these last days to them. Personally, I even think that his family should hang around more and make an effort to get to know my family and friends a little more in the 2 or 3 days that they’ll be there leading up to the wedding instead of going off.
I know that weddings tend to warp people’s perspectives, and I wonder if perhaps I’m not seeing this clearly and am just being overly demanding. Can anyone weigh in here and help me see this more clealry? Would I be a bridezilla if I told Fiance that I would think it more appropraite if he and his family spent more time getting to know mine during the days leading up to the wedding and just had a holiday alone without us afterwards?
Post # 3
you are totally in the right with this. his family is being way too clingy, and (if he is going along with them) so is your Fiance.
Family vacation? You ARE his family… and it will only be a few days until legal and official at that point.
Post # 4
The reason they keep doing this is because it sounds like your Fiance always just goes along with this. When something doesn’t fit into your schedule, family or not, you need to tell them and not expect that they know what you are thinking. Fiance needs to explain his schedule and let them know if he will have the time to spend with them.
Post # 5
hmm I don’t know. I think had they booked a completely different vacation and he flew up with them instead of you hell yes I would be pissed. If it’s a few holidays things and you guys weren’t going to spend that time together because you are be busy I think it’s ok.
I think their addittude that he owes that to them is off putting and rude. However one thing that sticks out to me is them saying these are last ones before you get married. which indicate that they are expecting things to change after the wedding. Which is a good thing. I do think you guys should down and work a schedule that works best for you two, then put in family time after that.
Post # 6
Let me tell you what happened at my daughter’s wedding, to give you some perspective. Each family rented a house for the week preceding, in a beach town where the wedding was being held. I wanted to stay there early, as it was easier to finish up any last minute projects without packing them up in the car and having everything smushed or a mess and having to redo it all. We had tablecloths to iron, flowers to arrange, and centerpieces to put together, so it was supposed to be a relaxing time…but it was anything but.
I’d only met my SIL’s family a few times prior, but I really didn’t want to spend every free minute entertaining them. We met up only twice during the week and that was plenty. They were free to do whatever they wanted, and it was less pressure on me. They spent some alone time with their son, and both split the week to stay with us and his parents, so it worked out fine. It was actually MORE relaxing not having them under my feet.
You’ll be busy and so will your family, so maybe ask them what they think of it. There won’t be all that much he has to do by that point, and you may enjoy having some time without him while you’re doing things he can’t help you with.
Post # 7
I can understand your frustration – that just wouldn’t work for me. Perhaps he can work on the plans so that he still has a day to spend doing “vacation-y” things with his family, but spends the rest of the time with you. It’s your wedding weekend – if they want to do pre-wedding family activities, they really should have planned on doing them earlier.
Post # 8
I think I would give them SOME time to spend with him, but let them know that he has other obligations that he will need to attend to the rest of the time
Post # 9
I think a happy medium can be found. Maybe plan out a schedule where you get quality alone time with him for planning and prep and that still allows him to enjoy his time with his family.
Post # 10
@Miss Mochaccino: Yeah…this would really upset me. I don’t understand why it’s completely on you to finish up all these last minute wedding-things. He should be helping. Their attitude about this sucks, but I’m more surprised that your Fiance is going along with it.
I would try to find a middle ground here. Sure, he should spend some time with them…but you guys have stuff to do! This time goes by really really fast and I think that it would really be awful if you were super stressed trying to get everything done and he’s just off spending time at the beach and eating ice-cream. That kind of stuff leads to resentment.
I’m going to take a wild guess that his family isn’t involved in planning, etc. of the wedding at all and are just guests. That’s cool and I wouldn’t want them underfoot constantly, but your Darling Husband ISN’T just a guest who shows up, so….he needs to kind of step it up here, methinks.
Post # 11
I would ask that if I did need him for something or for help that he make himself available to me and keep our wedding and me as the first priority. I would be reasonable and would only really ask him to be around if I absolutely needed him. this way I would still feel like his main priority and would not feel as though he was overlooking me and our wedding preparations for his family and their activities. I am very much the kind of person that is pretty independent and I would rather do things on my own anyway. Fiance tends to hinder more than he does help when it comes to planningset up of events that we host or have a part in planning. So to me, personally, this would probably work out better and like I said, I would only reallya sk for him to be around if i really did need his help with something specific. I think that you guys will have plenty of time as newlyweds to spend some qt together and really enjoy the wedding glow. Aside from when he is absolutely needed, i would let him enjoy the time with his family, you enjoy the time with yours and do what you need to do.
Post # 12
@rosworms: “Family vacation? You ARE his family… and it will only be a few days until legal and official at that point.” I think that this is a great point! You are all essentially family now– if they want to have a family holiday, you should be completely included. Also, last minute preparations are something he should be helping with…you both need time to see each other and enjoy this time together before the wedding. I would have been upset if my Darling Husband did that to me before the wedding (and we weren’t LD)! Just my opinion though, good luck 🙂
Post # 13
I’d nut up.
Fiance would not be doing the family vacation thing with his mommy and daddy when we have shit to do in preparation for the wedding. Seriously, you’re not the only getting married, he needs to help too.
Post # 14
@Paigey: ditto that!
Does he live near them now? Or are they all scattered? You said you and Fiance are long distance, and I would say that if where he lives is already near them, that they should do a mini-vacay of their own–but not the week before your wedding.
If not, and they want to see him, then I think a happy medium would work but there is no way I would be cool with my fiance skipping town the week before the wedding while I stay around and do everything.
Post # 15
thanks ladies. 🙂 I have had some time to think about this and talk it over with Fiance. He is only going to be busy for 2 days as it turns out, and I am just going to get all the things I need to do with out him (final shopping, beauty appointments, final DIY with some ladies who volunteered to help . . .) so I’m not so emotional about it anymore.
Good points, though, from all of you. I think it comes down to communication and working out solutions for everyone.
Post # 16
@Miss Mochaccino: Glad this is looking better.
My family’s coming in for our annual family vacation the week before my wedding, because we had to arrange both that and the wedding to fit in my brother’s deployment leave. And I do plan to let us all have some fun. But I’m also planning to put everyone to work (just a little!).