(Closed) FI’s family has a lot more money than mine…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

Can you ask your in-laws what is most important to them, and then have them pay for those things as a gift?  I think doing it that way (“hey mom and dad, my in-laws have generously offered to pay for the alcohol and a band”) rather than have them be paying to upgrade all the things your parents are buying, might be more sensitive.

Also, if it’s in their backyard, maybe they can put their effort into making the space as nice as possible, since that’s clearly in their domain.

Then, your fiance needs to talk to them about letting some of the rest of it go. 

Post # 4
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Hm, I am not in this situation but it sounds to me like all three parties need to have a pow-wow!  When not invite everyone over for a Sunday lunch and make it clear that you’d like to sort out everyone’s “role” for the wedding.  Be prepared to give your parents more inexpensive roles–perhaps, the invitations, the cake, and some DIY porjects that you and Fiance are excited to incorporate.  If the wedding will be on FI’s parent’s property, I do think they should be able to have some say in the bigger decisions (eg: catering, bar, dance floor?, etc).  But give your parents things to contribute and make them sound just as significant to you and Fiance.  Have you mentioned this to FIML?  Tell her how you feel and ask her to please be understnading and tread carefully around these topics with your parents.  Don’t worry—it’ll work out just fine!  Sounds like you both have lovely parents. 

Post # 5
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i agree, it would be nice for everyone to talk about this. maybe your parents could say what they could afford to pitch in… and if your fi’s family wants things to be more expensive than that, since they have the money they could help out.

when my brother and sil got married, her family didn’t have ANY money that they were able to contribute, not even for the rd. my parents wanted them to have a nice wedding, so they paid for it all. it’s not the traditional way to do things, but oh well.

Post # 6
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree that putting your Future In-Laws in charge of certain aspects would be better than having them try to upgrade everything.  Also it would allow your parents to not have to psread their money across everything, rather focus on what they want to contribute.

My only concern (not knowing your Future In-Laws at all so not knowing if this is applicable to them) is that your Future In-Laws would still not be content with the quality of the aspects your parents are in charge of and would still want to upgrade.

Hope everything turns out well!  In sticky situations when it’s getting stressful try to remind yourself how blessed you are that everybody wants to be so involved in making your wedding perfect!

Post # 8
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ok well first of all – figure out what you want for your own wedding! Don’t let the tricky financial dynamics between parents distract you and your Fiance from coming up with a vision you both love. Work from THERE with both sets of parents.

Money is so tricky and such a touchy subject. At the very least you can be happy that everyone is supportive and wants to pitch in as much as they can. I can understand how your parents might feel bad if your Future In-Laws are “upgrading” on stuff they are responsible for, at the same time I see where your Future In-Laws are coming from given that it is their home.

Good luck and don’t lose sight of what you and your Fiance want. I’m sure, given how involved both sides want to be, they’ll want to make sure you’re both happy.

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My family handles finances very differently than my DH’s family. My dad retired in his mid-40’s and his family is very frugal and money-savvy. It’s awkward sometimes because his famliy will make comments (my parents didn’t pay for the wedding but they spend oodles of money on other stuff) and don’t understand how/why my parents have the money they have. I think it’s uncomfortable for Darling Husband to be doted on for birthdays and holidays but he tries not to take it personally, realizes he can’t change them, and just goes with the flow. As long as I don’t act like that (which i don’t…..i have very different attitudes about money, haha), we’re all good.

His opinion is, “if they want to pay for it…by all means”. Especially if it’s stuff like champagne for the wedding. Now it’s different if their money comes with strings attached. When there are strings, we say no. But sometimes they just want to do nice things and can afford it and see it as a GOOD thing they’re doing. My parents don’t get why they can sometimes rub people the wrong way with money (trying to be over-generous for one) but sometimes it hurts peoples’ pride. Have you talked to your parents about how they’d feel if your FI’s parents chipped in more money? Honestly if they’re having the wedding in their home and they are business owners, it makes perfect sense to me that there are certain things they want to have to project a nice image. Any wedding i’ve been to where the parents are high up on the corporate food chain or have businesses in town, the wedding seems a little like that. Lots of business associates, cigars, that kind of stuff. It doesn’t sound to me like they’re necessarily trying to step on any toes, though. Then again it depends how they’re handling the situation. Do you think they’d be OK just giving you money and saying what it’s for? Instead of ‘upgrading’ all the stuff your prarents are paying for? I coudl see how that’s offensive

Post # 10
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wow… my situation was actually quite different, yet financially frustrating.

Like you, my family grew up with no money and I have been independent since age 18. I donated my own plasma to pay for groceries in college and my parents just never had any money to spare. FI’s parents on the other hand are VERY wealthy. Wonderful wonderful people… would have never known just how wealthy upon meeting them, but definitely in a whoooollee other bracket than my parents.

Anyhow, when wedding planning began, my parents offered a certain amount which was very generous, but not really enough for the wedding. Fiance went to his parents to ask for a little help (assuming they might want to help, especially since they have the means to do so) but they declined! They felt like as the grooms parents it was very untraditional to contribute and because they had paid for FI’s sisters weddings entirely out of pocket with no help, they didn’t think it was right to help with their sons.

Am I weird for thinking that’s kind of wrong? I’m over it now, but in the beginning it was a sensitive subject!

I just think regardless, money situations are ALWAYS awkward for all parties. Whether the family is paying or not paying… sigh.

Post # 11
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

We had a similar money split. My mom lives paycheck to paycheck since my dad died and husband’s parents are wealthy but are a lot more comfortable that her. They gave us a check to help with the wedding and paid for a few things too. We paid for most of the wedding, but their contributions helped. My mom felt really bad that she couldn’t do more, but she was able to be hands on with some things and just having her their meant the most to us. It was hard for her though. Nobody would ever say anything to make her uncomfortable about it, but she mentioned it to me a few times.

Post # 12
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s great that you have both families willing to help out with the wedding.
But I can understand how it is difficult that both sides have a different outlook on the wedding, so to speak.
I think -in my opinion- the best way to deal with this is coming up with a budget for the wedding. A wedding that you and Fiance are comfortable with. And asking either side what they are comfortable contributing to the wedding.
I think perhaps it’s important to explain to your future in laws that DIY does not necessarily mean “cheap looking”. Show them examples of what some of the Bees on here have done! Some of these items look super professional!
Another way to explain to them perhaps (that might appeal to them more) is that DIY is not just about saving money. But also a way that you can personalize your wedding. The opportunity for YOU to create something for the wedding, is I believe, an experience like none other.
Maybe find ways to include your future in laws in DIY projects so they can see the richness of that experience. That way they can boast to their “rich” friends; hey I had a part in making that! Money can’t buy that! Cool, huh?

Best of luck!!

Post # 13
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you just need to talk to your parents about how they feel about it.  Are they feeling upstaged at every step of the way?  Maybe they don’t mind the help?  Maybe you could pick out a few things you and your mom want to DIY and let Future Mother-In-Law upgrade the rest? 

 

Post # 14
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I totally feel you. While my parents do very well financially, my fiance’s family is from the society South and my mom is really worried that the wedding won’t live up to their standards. They are also holding the rehearsal dinner at a very nice private club, a place I considered for the reception but was too expensive. I just wanted our rehearsal at a nice restaurant near our church or where we went on our first date. I fear that the rehearsal dinner will be very lavish!

It is a touchy subject. For example, my parents complained about FI’s family’s guest list and Fiance and his family offered to pay and my mom would not hear it. FI’s mom also offered me her very expensive lace veil and it hurt my mom’s feelings very much as I had always said I was going to wear her’s. Luckily neither matched my dress.

My fiance’s family is used to black tie affairs and my family is just happy if you show up. Most men wear dark suits but only one or two of my relatives own tuxes and my future mother in law thinks it is “tacky” if men wear suits rather than tuxes to an evening reception.

Good luck! I’d try to make sure that your parents don’t feel like your fiance’s family is overshadowing them. As my mom said, we are going to give you the best “day” we can afford. And to me, that means a lot. Sure my fiance’s family could afford a more lavish affair, but that isn’t “me” or my family and I’m proud of who I am and where I came from.

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