(Closed) FI's FAMILY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Well you’ve admitted that it was wrong of you to say that to his Mum, and no matter what kind of relationship you have you should never have assumed she was ok with it. It was kinda rude, and it opened the door for her to question how her son is being treated. I’d just apologise for putting her in that position and move on. Don’t make the same mistake and just keep your disagreements between you and your Fiance.

Post # 17
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Fiance and I don’t bicker often but when we do I would not tell his mother he is an ass… Do you really think that sounds good?

Post # 18
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

That will forever be her son, no matter what type of relationship you feel you have with your Future Mother-In-Law and that statement should never have been made. I would going forward just omit anything about your relationship altogether from any conversations and just keep it between you and your fiance. I could see where she would be concerend after that comment, however, she did take it too far and let her imagination get the best of her.

Post # 19
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well I dunno, I’m a lone voice here but ‘ass’ doesnt seem like such a big deal , especially if said in a joking  way – mayeb ‘ass’ is much worse in the US ? Here is sort of ‘silly ass/twit” kind of  thing , not ass  as in arsehole.  My (late) Mother-In-Law would in any case have assumed  that if there was a problem it would be her sons fault, dear lady . 

Agree with everybody that it is best NOT to tell IL’s anything about marital spats though .

Post # 20
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

Unfortunately it seems to a new recurring theme that mothers don’t cope well with their sons marrying. Happened here. I wouldn’t worry too much, if you had a good relationship before, I’m sure it’ll be fine again once the shock and stress of the wedding/marriage have worn off

Post # 21
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I feel totally comfortable telling my Mother-In-Law that her sons being an ass. And I can always count on her to set him straight! I know my husband has whined to my mom about me too! 

obviously we don’t ever discuss real issues or fights with them, but minor little things. Especially If it’s mostly said in humor. 

I know I’m the minority here. 

Post # 22
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

britishbee:  I agree. My moms advice was that when her and my dad had issues his mom never knew. My aunt says things like that to my grandmother about her husband (my grandmothers son). She gets so angry and it makes her not like my aunt by marriage even more. Plus we know she’s crazy and the statements are one sided. I think it’s best to keep your business good or bad between you two. Then they won’t have a reason to be in your business. But I think that statement was kind of disrespectful to say IMO

Post # 23
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

While I think the reaction was a little extreme, I don’t really think it counts as her sticking her nose in when you offered the information. Don’t tell anyone your business, and you won’t have to hear their opinion about it.

Post # 24
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

How would your mom take it if he told her after a spat that you were a b…. Ya moms don’t like that language nor should one ever refer their future spouses like that to others.  It doesn’t matter if your family does it or even them because there’s always a possibility of doubt.

Since you brought this up on yourself I would apologize to your mil and say that in your household that’s a joking term for silly but you won’t ever call him that again since you value him grately and didn’t mean to be disrespectful.

 

Post # 25
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

serinanicole:  Your comment about him being an ass aside (because obviously you won’t do that again), maybe it would actually help for her to know what some of your disagreements are about. I am not usually a proponent of involving family in personal disagreements, but if she knew that you were arguing about say, whether vacuuming should happen before or after dusting….rather than whether one of you has an STD…she might be more willing to laugh it off and get over it quickly just like you and your Fiance would.

Parents’ minds often jump to the worst conclusions when they only have part of the story. Might be a good tactic for the future. If she asks what’s wrong and it actually was about something silly, just say, “Oh nothing, you son is just confused about how to do the laundry properly! You and I need to remind him haha!”

Post # 26
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe it just depends on the relationship the person has with their FMIL/FFIL? I haven’t even met my Future Mother-In-Law in person (we’ve talked on the phone, etc, but just haven’t been able to schedule a trip due to his work schedule (my FI) and his mom’s health problems. ANYWAY, even with that, she has no problem telling me how rude he was to her and it bothered her, and I tell her the same, and we go on with our life… it just all depends on the relationship people have. 

And as for not sharing problems with people… does anyone realize that is why SO many people end up in abusive relationships? (not that this is one) but its because they were told “don’t air your problems with people” and suddenly, it gets abusive and no one will believe it because “you’ve always been so happy… you  never told us that happened”. Besides, is anyone REALLY going to believe people don’t fight? That’s some kind of fantasy land…. 

I’m not bashing anyone’s relationship with their Future Mother-In-Law or Mother-In-Law. But just saying… what if you say “I could never say that!” and then things get bad… he hits you and the abuse starts and you leave… well, she never even knew (granted its her son so she’d probably side with him anyway) BUT its hard for people to realize something they never say. I say this from experience. While my first marriage wasn’t abusive, there were many problems. I’d always been taught not to talk about problems. Not to my parents, his parents, friends, etc. I couldn’t afford counseling (my insurance wouldn’t cover it, he refused to put me on his insurance because “i don’t want to deal with the paperwork” and not to meniton he refused to go) and HE walked out on me, asked ME for the divorce, and when I filed, I was the bad guy because, his words, “I didn’t think you’d go through with it…” and no one, not my parents, his parents, or even friends, could understand why I left (because they all thought I left him!) becuase “you have always been happy… when I asked a week ago how were things, you told me good”. Which I did. Up until the day I filed for divorce, everyone thought things were good because I was scared of “airing dirty laundry”. Granted, this is a way less scenario. BUT I’m just saying where it can lead…. 

Post # 27
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

Ill echo futuremrsc2016:  in that i didn’t air out all my problems to ANYONE during my divorce and it back fired on me when I got a divorce. My parents took his side because I never came to my mom or dad or even my best friend about it. I didn’t let anyone in and it was MUCH harder to get through without confiding in ANYONE. Maybe not air it out on social media or tell everyone you know but it IS healthy to get it out to someone.

That being said I also have to agree with the minority in that i think it depends on your relationship with In laws. My Future Mother-In-Law always thinks its my Fiance fault if Im upset or something doesn’t go right. I dont think i would ever say hes an “ass” to her bc she doesn’t cuss and would take it as a HUGE shock but i would instead label him as “difficult” or “annoying” or something. And again, who are WE to judge how others react in their relationships? and honestly its not what the OP is even asking our opinion on….

OP, I would maybe not confide details of the disagreements with his family since this has happened.  Sounds like you two are doing that now anyways. Now that you know how she will react to this type of comment, steer clear of it. I liked the idea someone else had at just changing the subject–that might help1

good luck!

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