Post # 1
I have been lurking her awhile and finally decided to join. My Fiance proposed to me in 2014 and we are marrying in 2017. I’m a physical therapist and my Fiance is younger than me and also in medical school. He’ll be finishing this year. My parents are wealthy and have been generous with their kids. One of my older brothers is married and my parents paid for that wedding because my SIL’s family couldn’t pay. My SIL has been very grateful and appreciative towards them. When we announced our engagements, my parents step in right away and said they would pay. My FI’s family isn’t struggling financially, however they don’t have a lot of money to put towards the wedding. My FI’s mom has MS and hasn’t worked in ten years. She is on SSDI and FI’s dad works as an electrician.
A couple of days ago, my Fiance went out to eat at his parents’ house and was presented with a check for $5,000 by his dad. His dad said that it was for the wedding. Fiance asked him how we was able to give that amount and FI’s father replied that they had taken out a loan. They got into an argument and Fiance said that his parents didn’t need to take on debt to help with the wedding. His dad replied that he and FI’s mom feel useless since they can’t put anything into the wedding and they wanted to show that they love Fiance and me. They are great people and I truly feel bad that my parents’ help has made them feel that way. Fiance left the check at his parents’ house and we aren’t sure about what to do. I’m considering having a less expensive wedding in order to help his parents feel better about themselves. I want to talk to FI’s parents about this, although I worry that I will just make them feel bad because of my family.
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Post # 2
i think at this point, whats done is done. its not like they can undo the loan. whether you decide to use the money or not, is up to your Fiance.
Personally, and I am sure you feel the same way, I wouldn’t take the money bc clearly they couldn’t afford it in the first place. I understand they felt obligated, and I would thank them but tell them to use the money on themselves and that you appreciate the thought.
Whether you choose to have a wedding that is more inexpensive, is up to you. You can have a lavish wedding without the price tag.
Post # 3
I thought it was traditionally the bride’s family who pays, not the grooms. And these days, it seems more common for the bride and groom to pay for it themselves.
They’ve already taken out the loan, so this is what I’d do. I’d tell them I’d take it only if I can pay it back. Then put the check into an account, and pay them back out of that account at regular intervals. Then they feel like they have helped, and they’re not out any money. I wouldn’t use it for a wedding.
Post # 4
I personally would never accept that money from your Future In-Laws, knowing they had to take a loan out for it. Tell them you appreciate the thought, and have the wedding you guys can comfortably afford. None of your guests need to know who paid for it.
Post # 5
My Fiance comes from a Hispanic background, in which some families in their circles put money towards the weddings like a 50/50 split. FI’s family can’t do that and I think they might have thought the 5k would be a good way to contribute something.
Post # 6
This is something I’ve been struggling with too– my parents don’t have any money to put towards a wedding, but somehow they think they can pay for 90% of it! I think it’s craziness and it makes me feel really guilty even though I didn’t ask or expect them to spend any money on the wedding. But, I’ve been trying to think of it this way: They’re adults who are responsible for their own financial decisions. I don’t agree with what they’re doing, but I don’t have to, because I don’t control their money. So let them do what they’re going to too– I come from a Hispanic family too, and I think to them being able to pay for part of the wedding really means a lot. Let them have this, and don’t feel guilty.
Post # 7
Another big problem is that my parents have the bad habit of running their mouth and have told a lot people that they are helping with wedding costs and some of the people they have told also know my future in-laws.
Post # 8
And to the poster up there who said they cant “undo” the loan, they certainly can. They would just pay it off with the loan money.
I’m a firm believer in not starting your new life out with debt. And I would not be able to live with myself, knowing my parents (or FI’s) went into that much debt, for what is essentially, a party.
Tell them you love them, that you are so touched by, and appreciative of, their willingness to help, but that you cannot accept.
And then I would ask your parents to stop telling everyone how they’ve paid for everything and how much they’ve spent. It’s tacky, and not a good way to start relations with their, and your, new family
Post # 9
In this case, I wouldn’t want to take it, but at the same time, it’s almost a sticky spot, because they did it because they wanted to help, and it seems that taking it will have them in debt, refusing it would probably hurt their feelings.
I agree with either telling them you’ll take it only if you can pay it back (so that may help their esteem in feeling as though they have helped) or, if they are absolutely determined, tell them instead of helping with the wedding to put it into a fund for your future children (if you’re planning on having them. Grandparents (most anyway) LOVE to contribute for children and start funds and stuff).
The hardest part of this is deciding if the taking it or rejecting it will hurt more (the taking hurting financially and the rejecting causing hurt feelings).
And if a less expensive wedding is something you want, then by all means, go for it. Less expensive does not have to mean any less nice or special. And if the overall budget is cut way down, maybe using a small portion of their loan so they can feel they contributed but at the same time it’s all on a much lesser scale?
Post # 10
I absolutey wouldn’t take it. Parents going into debt for a wedding? The loan can be given back to the bank.
Post # 11
Hmm I struggle with this one…on one hand it’s hard knowing that they took out the loan, but on the other hand they did it on their own free will. They probably would’ve done the same thing no matter if your family had money or not. If it makes them happy and feel good about it, then take it. I think not accepting it will make them feel more awkward about the whole money thing. Just my two cents. 🙂
Post # 12
Awwww…I would absolutely refuse the money and make them take it and pay back the loan. Their hearts are in the right place but I wouldn’t be able to use the money with a clear conscience and that would soil it for me. His parents need to understand that one can contribute in other ways than just money at a wedding.
Post # 13
My mom is struggling with this as we are paying for our wedding on are own. His parents have money and it’s driving me and my mom nuts that they aren’t really contributing lol.
Anyways like PPs I’d let them know how grateful and special you feel that they would do that for you but let them know that them just being there to celebrate is enough.
Post # 14
No. No. And more No.
Very kind of them, but use the loan money to pay back the bank.
I can imagine they probably feel some kind of way that your parents are bankrolling the whole thing and don’t want to be thought of as “less”. Poor things, their heart is the right place.
Post # 15
My Fiance had previously told them that them being at the wedding is enough. They have said that they still feel useless to us because they can’t help out and they have told my Fiance that it hurts to see my family being able to do all these great things for us.
I can’t really think of other ways for them to contribute to the wedding. I think they are proud people and are proud of Fiance and want to show it and feel included and not useless.