(Closed) FI's family has taken out a loan to help with wedding costs

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
5136 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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zimp85:  i think at this point, whats done is done. its not like they can undo the loan. whether you decide to use the money or not, is up to your Fiance.

Personally, and I am sure you feel the same way, I wouldn’t take the money bc clearly they couldn’t afford it in the first place. I understand they felt obligated, and I would thank them but tell them to use the money on themselves and that you appreciate the thought.

Whether you choose to have a wedding that is more inexpensive, is up to you. You can have a lavish wedding without the price tag.

Post # 3
Member
691 posts
Busy bee

I thought it was traditionally the bride’s family who pays, not the grooms. And these days, it seems more common for the bride and groom to pay for it themselves.

They’ve already taken out the loan, so this is what I’d do. I’d tell them I’d take it only if I can pay it back. Then put the check into an account, and pay them back out of that account at regular intervals. Then they feel like they have helped, and they’re not out any money. I wouldn’t use it for a wedding.

Post # 4
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I personally would never accept that money from your Future In-Laws, knowing they had to take a loan out for it.  Tell them you appreciate the thought, and have the wedding you guys can comfortably afford.  None of your guests need to know who paid for it.

Post # 6
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is something I’ve been struggling with too– my parents don’t have any money to put towards a wedding, but somehow they think they can pay for 90% of it! I think it’s craziness and it makes me feel really guilty even though I didn’t ask or expect them to spend any money on the wedding. But, I’ve been trying to think of it this way: They’re adults who are responsible for their own financial decisions. I don’t agree with what they’re doing, but I don’t have to, because I don’t control their money. So let them do what they’re going to too– I come from a Hispanic family too, and I think to them being able to pay for part of the wedding really means a lot. Let them have this, and don’t feel guilty.

Post # 8
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

Absolutely not. 

 

And to the poster up there who said they cant “undo” the loan, they certainly can. They would just pay it off with the loan money. 

 

I’m a firm believer in not starting your new life out with debt. And I would not be able to live with myself, knowing my parents (or FI’s) went into that much debt, for what is essentially, a party.

 Tell them you love them, that you are so touched by, and appreciative of, their willingness to help, but that you cannot accept.

 And then I would ask your parents to stop telling everyone how they’ve paid for everything and how much they’ve spent. It’s tacky, and not a good way to start relations with their, and your, new family

Post # 9
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

In this case, I wouldn’t want to take it, but at the same time, it’s almost a sticky spot, because they did it because they wanted to help, and it seems that taking it will have them in debt, refusing it would probably hurt their feelings. 

I agree with either telling them you’ll take it only if you can pay it back (so that may help their esteem in feeling as though they have helped) or, if they are absolutely determined, tell them instead of helping with the wedding to put it into a fund for your future children (if you’re planning on having them. Grandparents (most anyway) LOVE to contribute for children and start funds and stuff). 

The hardest part of this is deciding if the taking it or rejecting it will hurt more (the taking hurting financially and the rejecting causing hurt feelings). 

And if a less expensive wedding is something you want, then by all means, go for it. Less expensive does not have to mean any less nice or special. And if the overall budget is cut way down, maybe using a small portion of their loan so they can feel they contributed but at the same time it’s all on a much lesser scale? 

Post # 10
Member
2740 posts
Sugar bee

I absolutey wouldn’t take it. Parents going into debt for a wedding? The loan can be given back to the bank.

Post # 11
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hmm I struggle with this one…on one hand it’s hard knowing that they took out the loan, but on the other hand they did it on their own free will. They probably would’ve done the same thing no matter if your family had money or not. If it makes them happy and feel good about it, then take it. I think not accepting it will make them feel more awkward about the whole money thing. Just my two cents. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

Awwww…I would absolutely refuse the money and make them take it and pay back the loan. Their hearts are in the right place but I wouldn’t be able to use the money with a clear conscience and  that would soil it for me.  His parents need to understand that one can contribute in other ways than just money at a wedding.

Post # 13
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My mom is struggling with this as we are paying for our wedding on are own. His parents have money and it’s driving me and my mom nuts that they aren’t really contributing lol. 

Anyways like PPs I’d let them know how grateful and special you feel that they would do that for you but let them know that them just being there to celebrate is enough.

Post # 14
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

No. No. And more No. 

Very kind of them, but use the loan money to pay back the bank. 

I can imagine they probably feel some kind of way that your parents are bankrolling the whole thing and don’t want to be thought of as “less”. Poor things, their heart is the right place. 

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