Post # 1
I’m new to the boards, so I’m hoping I’m in the right spot. I’m American, my Fiance is Asian. We’ve been “together” for a little over a year, and honestly, we met via facebook. We are currently living about 1800 miles apart until the end of this year (hopefully) when one of us can move.
My Fiance is what I would consider to be pretty “traditional Asian”, or what I would think of being that I’m still new to the Asian Culture of ‘how things are done’ (I hope that I’m not offending anyone!) There’s just one thing that we both screwed up on… He proposed back in September. His mom and sister live here in the states (they actually all live together) and they knew about it right away. However.. his dad still lives overseas, and found out just the other day from my FI’s cousin. (his mom and sister are the only family that is in the states.. everyone else is in Indonesia) Needless to say, my FI’s father was pretty furious that he was the “last to know” and I think more hurt about it than anything. My Fiance says that he needs his father’s blessing before we can officially set a date. He said that he was planning to tell him, and I’m not quite sure why he didn’t (I thought he already knew, but the only family I have met is his mom and sister) He did mention something about he didn’t know how his father would react with him marrying someone who wasn’t Asian (which he would be the first to do), and that he thinks his father would say that I’m not the right girl.
Any thoughts on how things can get patched up? Being so far apart from his dad, there’s not really a chance of talking over lunch or meeting up etc.. funds are tight and with his job, he can’t leave for long periods of time.
Post # 3
I don’t know much about the Asian culture either, but it sounds like it is your Fiance who needs to do the patching up with his father. From what little I do know, I know that Asian families tend to be VERY patricarchal and therefore it needs to be your Fiance who talks to his father and patches things up. It sounds like to me that your Fiance was concerned about what his father would think about marrying someone not of the same culture and that might be why he didn’t tell his father. I would have an open communication with your Fiance and find out why he really didn’t tell his father, and then I would urge him to try and fix the relationship.I hope this helps. By The Way we are date twins! PLUS my parents live right outside of Mason City! How wierd!
Post # 4
My fiance is Chinese also. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert, because I don’t know what his parents are talking about half the time. 😉 But I do think there is a lot of facesaving stuff that goes on, at least from what I’ve gathered.
I agree that your Fiance is probably going to have to be the one to talk to his father.
Post # 5
I can understand your FI’s father being very upset at not being told about a proposal that happened SIX MONTHS AGO!
I hope for your sake that this is not the tip of the iceburg with your Fiance having a tendency to procrastinate and avoid dealing with difficult issues.
I suggest it is his responsibility to deal with his father. He can get on the phone and start talking. That would be a good first step.
Post # 6
@SoonToBeeMrsD: The date is just an estimate 🙂 Had to put a date in here to register, and we’re thinking Feb/March/April
@tamaracks: Yeah, I totally know the feeling on not knowing what is being said! His mom’s english is not the greatest, he said his dad only speaks Chinese, and there are times when my Fiance and his sister go back and forth in Indonesian / chinese mixture ( Fiance knows 5 languages, including english)
Post # 7
@amanda.marie: His parents speak decent English, but pretty heavily accented. And his mother is just a little nuts, so I don’t always know what she’s going on about, and he often doesn’t know either. He tends to just nod and then do whatever he wants.
When his sister is around, she tends to revert to English more, even though his parents speak in Cantonese to them, so them I get half the conversation. Of course she’s living with a guy now who’s also not Chinese, so I feel like I’m not the only one, at least.
Post # 8
There isn’t much you can do from so far away. Your fiance should contact his Dad and work on patching things up. You two probably should have a discussion about where things stand when it comes to him being the first to marry outside the culture and also about his Dad’s disaproval.
Post # 9
I think the problem has nothing to do with them being Asian…
Your fiance proposed almost 6 months ago, and his dad found out “just the other day”!!! From a cousin, no less! Your fiance needs to deal with this and smooth things out with his Dad. I can’t understand why no one, not your fiance, not his Mom or sister, told his Dad! That doesn’t sound very Asian.
You need to have a good long talk with your fiance. Maybe he was concerned about his Dad not accepting you, but that can’t be the only issue, unless his whole family puts things off and tries to not think about it, which is not a good thing.