(Closed) FI's father told him not to marry me two months before the wedding

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

From all of your in-law drama (I only skimmed your other posts), I can’t help but think that their problem isn’t with your parents or anything they did as much as with your marriage itself. As great as you may be, they are probably afraid and angry that you’re taking their son away. Their other children live with them (unless I’m mistaken about what you said) but your Fiance doesn’t. They moved out of state and your Fiance did not. They probably feel like their son is abandoning them, which explains why they haven’t been treating him very well either. 

In any case, as heartbreaking as this situation is, this is not something you can fix. It’s something that they just have to get over. Don’t Let their issues ruin your wedding. 

Post # 49
Member
2995 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Future Father-In-Law sounds like a narcissist who just likes to shit-stir. My mom is similar. When Darling Husband and I got engaged, she made up stories to her family about me being a sex worker (WTH? Like anyone would even pay for me…) and Darling Husband beating me (because he does martial arts. Pure nonsense.) to try to alienate her family from me. Thankfully, I had control over the situation and said, “Oh, HELL no. It’s one thing to lie about me, but you crossed the line by accusing my Fiance of domestic violence. Unforgivable.” and not invite her to my wedding. 

Unfortunately, your Fiance needs to realize that his father’s behavior is neither acceptable nor normal and then have the courage to act on it. It can take many years to unpack his upbringing. I tried to be a good daughter and placate my mother until I was 24. It took me that long to figure out that she was severely verbally and emotionally abusive and I had the power to shut down the abusive behavior by saying “Play by my rules or get out of my life.” 

 

Post # 50
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

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cbgg:  

This is not what she said.  If you’re going to quote it then quote it correctly.  And what I read into what she’s saying is that for HER (she didn’t say “we”) the way she feels about them has forever changed–or left a bad taste to the point it’s going to take a lot to overcome this–for HER.

Post # 51
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My Future Father-In-Law asked my Fiance if he loved me … a good year after we got engaged!

I was pretty insulted and upset by it.  Not only on a personal level, but that Future Father-In-Law thinks that his son would ask a woman he didn’t love to marry him in the first place.

I still haven’t forgiven Future Father-In-Law for saying it, but I know it’s his problem, not mine, and he’s probably projecting.  Both Future Father-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law have been unfaithful in their marriage, and Future Father-In-Law has told Future Mother-In-Law twice in the last 6 months that he no longer loves her.   From what I’ve personally witnessed, I don’t think either of them even like the other person much anymore…

Future Father-In-Law is also a shit-stirrer.  Unhappy people who are too cowardly to sort out their own problems often are.  I don’t have much to do with either of my Future In-Laws nowadays.  Life is too short and I want mine and FI’s to be happy. 

 

Post # 52
Member
948 posts
Busy bee

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mwsrfrgirl:  

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loz24:  Wow!! That’s aweful! My story isn’t quite as bad as yours – my Father-In-Law nevr actually told his son not to marry me – but yeah, there was some weird selfish behavior that actually had nothing to do with me. 

My in laws, who I actually get along with and they like me, threw an absolute tantrum about 6 weeks before our wedding. They wanted to add more guests to the invite list, we said no, and on and on it went. They were totally disintristed in the fact that WE were paying for this wedding, that we awere already over budget, and that MY side of the family had been seerely cut from the guest list. They really beleived we were financing *their* family reunion, and my side of the family be-damned. It was so selfish and weird! But the fight that incured was crazy! They called their son names! They hung up on him! (I cannot imagine my parents ever doing that to me!) His father didn’t speak to him for weeks. The family we *did* invite (through compromise) didn’t even bother showing up. It was a nightmare. 

Seeing this behavior from them made me wonder if I could ever be close to them or trust them? Well, thats not an easy yes/no answer. But they *are* family, and they love us (in their warped way) and we would never write them off entirely. Like you – my Darling Husband and I were also on the same page. He tried so hard to keep me out of the crazyness of the fight with his folks, but altimately I had to hold my ground too and we needed to be a united front. It was rediculously stressful. And it was stressfull over something that didn’t need to be. 

Your Father-In-Law isn’t the one who gets to decide if you’re married or not. That’s you and Fiance. It’s too bad that they aren’t paying for the rehearsal dinner. But I’ve been to a rehearsal dinner that was pizza and beer (it was a blast!) and another where the groom picked up “take-out-catering” from a mexican restarnat and they served amazing tacos in those silver tin trays. You don’t need formality to have a good time. 

Post # 55
Member
2995 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

The problem is that it is up to Fiance to realize that something isn’t right with his parents and then decide what he feels is best for him. It seems that he sees their craziness but wants to put up with their abuse. 

There really isn’t a whole lot you can do except support his choices (this includes choices you don’t agree with, e.g. apologizing for things that are their fault and not yours just to shut them up) or tell him, “Sorry, but I can’t live with your horrible parents the way you want me to so peace out, hope your next girl is codependent.” 

Post # 56
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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mwsrfrgirl:  It was my decision alone.  My situation is complicated as we are in a LDR as Fiance is currently living with his parents for work – that’s a whole other thread on it’s own, and believe me, it’s not something I am anywhere near happy with. 

But living 200 miles away gives me the perfect excuse to have vitrually nothing to do with the Future In-Laws. If I go to London, where Fiance is, I have to stay with them as I’m not working and Fiance can’t afford hotel rooms.  As I’ve told Fiance, it’s bad enough he lives with them, as an adult of 47 I’m not staying with people I don’t feel comfortable with, I don’t care who they are.  

We aren’t going to be having children, so having a good relationship with my Future In-Laws is not essential to me.  Would I like it?  Having no family, of course I would….but it’s a bonus, not a necessity.  I’m bipolar and my mental health is the most important thing to me.  FI’s parents have proved themselves to be deterimential to it, so that means they get cut out.  To me, it is that simple. 

Post # 57
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My Father-In-Law didn’t come to the wedding nor support it.  He’s lost not ours.. We were a little hurt but we moved forward. My Mother-In-Law and SIL and niece traveled to come but my Father-In-Law was determined he wasn’t coming. He did send a gift (via my MIL) for us but you can’t allow someone else’s negativity to stop you nor hinder  you and we are in our 40’s. 

Post # 58
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I havd a Strained relationship with Future Father-In-Law and Fiance stepmom,  I would never ask my fiance to change his relationship with them, I think he will agree to it but later on it would cause resentment. When he goes to visit them I don’t come with. I go visit my family and/or friends. I can keep my distance with his dad and step mom,  and that way he’s not stuck in the middle. I think it would be really selfish of me who try to convince him to cut ties with them, or emotionally blackmail them into having a better relationship with me, by spending less time with them or threatening to cut off ties with them.  I think my fiance can be supportive of me and supportive of this family, by letting us choose how much time we want to spend each other. I don’t see it as him choosing them over me by him having a relationship with them, then if they don’t want a relationship with me.

Post # 59
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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2ndtolol:  That’s how I feel about it.  I’m not going to ask Fiance to cut his parents out – but that also means that he can’t force me into having a relationship with them.  When I see them I’m polite and civil, but that’s it. That’s the best any of them are going to get from me now, I tried my best only to have it thrown back in my face.  I don’t believe in beating my head against a brick wall.  

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Baal.

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