(Closed) FI's female friends started argument on honeymoon-upset and need advice

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you’re reading way too much into this.

I think it’s sad that you felt you had to drop friends just because you were in a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with your H having femaie friends. It sounds like he lied because he knew you’d have issues with him having female friends and it wasn’t worth arguing with you over.

I think you need to step back from your emotions a bit and realize that if you give him enough space to have his own friends he won’t get tired of your relationship and it will strengthen you and not weaken you.

Basically, hold on loosely!

Post # 5
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Is there some other history or reason not to trust him that I’m missing here? Because it really doesn’t sound like he is doing anything wrong or inappropriate here. I know some people don’t think men and women can ever really be just friends, but I honestly have a lot of male friends who I have zero sexual or romantic interest in, and I’d be pretty pissed if my SO got upset every time I texted one of them. To be honest, it seems a little controlling of you to be getting upset just because your husband added an old acquaintance from high school on Facebook. I mean, it’s Facebook! I’m friends with a zillion people on FB and I certainly don’t want to bang most of them, or really any of them. I’m wondering if there’s something deeper going on here, and thinking that perhaps you would benefit from trying to become more secure in your relationship in general/working on your self esteem. 

Post # 6
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you should just try and calmly talk to him about how you’re feeling. Try not to be accusatory, but explain how it makes you uncomfortable and that you feel like there should be certain boundaries within your relationship. Like, you not having any male friends by choice.

I’ve heard of other couples setting their own, personal boundaries and making them clear that they don’t get crossed; like one couple said they don’t go out to bars without the other and another said they don’t go out with the opposite sex by themselves. It wasn’t one telling the other what to do/not do, it was just expectations for both of them.

Maybe you won’t have to take it that far, but I’m sure your husband isn’t trying to hurt your feelings.

Post # 7
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yeah, I think you’re seriously over reacting, to be honest.  I also think it’s peculiar that you felt you needed to stop hanging out with your guy friends just because you were in a serious relationship and I think it’s equally sad that you expect him to.  If my Fiance told me that I could be “acquaintances” guys but chatting with them via text or otherwise was crossing boundries, I would be livid.  That sounds controlling to me.

Post # 8
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hello!  After reading through your post it almost sounds like you resent the fact that you gave up your male friends while your husband still has female friends.  I didn’t drop my male friends when my Fiance and I got serious, but my relationships with them did change.  I wasn’t so flirty with them any more and I made a concious effort to include my Fiance in things we were doing.  I still have male friends that I will hang out with even without my Fiance but they are all people that he has met.  I don’t think that anything that your husband did was out of line.  It sounds like he’s pretty good friends with text message lady and she is just excited for him.  As for the facebook friending, he could have just seen her name pop up under people you might know and thought hey, I remember that person, I wonder what they’re up to.  I’m friends with all kinds of guys on facebook that I wasn’t close to but knew who they were. 

I definitely want to suggest that you talk to your husband about how you’re feeling and try to let it go a little bit.  If he has so many female friends these seems like it could become a constant battle if you’re not careful.  I know my Fiance would be pretty upset with me if I kept making comments when nothing was going on.  Good luck! 

Post # 9
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Just my two cents, when it comes to the facebook thing I wouldn’t worry about that at all. I’m friends with lots of guys from highschool that I dont actually talk to on Facebook. If you find flirty messages between them, that’s a different story, but getting upset over them bring friends is overreacting I think.  As for the married friends, does he hang out with him without you? I wouldn’t be happy with the “forgetting” and him messaging them but not his parents, but I don’t think you should be too concerned.  If you don’t want them hanging out without you, I don’t think that’s unreasonable.  Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and he should respect that.  If he puts up too much of a fight, I might consider that a red flag.  Take my advice with a graiDn of salt though, it’s hard to reply before youre in the same situation.  My Fiance has only one girl friend that I would be comfortable with himhanging out with without me. 

Post # 10
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’d say if you’re not comfortable, trust your gut! There is a reason alarm bells are going off (unless you do it over every female that makes eye contact with him, but from the way you describe it there could be a reason they’re so close). As for the FB friend, I’d back off on that. People add people they’ve just met that day, or people they’ve forgotten about for years and just want to see how their life is. I have tons of friends I have on there that I forget about or have no idea why I’ve even added them (I most definitely need to do a cleanup). 

Give him a little space, just because you don’t have male friends doesn’t mean he can’t have female friends. It  sounds like he legitimately cares about you if he sat down and talked with you about the texts, if he was doing something wrong he probably would have been a little more defensive. Then again, some guys are completely oblivious to things like that. She might feel that way, but he probably doesn’t, or doesn’t even notice it’s flirty.

I’ve had issues with Fiance about certain girls flirting with him and he just saw it as being friendly. He honestly had no idea it could’ve been taken any other way. I told him I was fine with them being friends (because I would never tell my guy he can’t do something, he’s going to do it whether I give him permission or not), but just not to put himself in any situations where they could be alone. 

 

I just say trust your gut, if this woman is being overly flirty then talk to him again and tell him how it’s making you feel. More importantly, trust HIM. He chose you as his wife for a reason and if sure he loves you and wouldn’t be so stupid to throw that away!

 

Post # 12
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

Why do you think its excessive flattery?

I think all of my close friends’ SOs/FIs/DHs are lucky to have them.  They’re my friends and I think they are amazing.  Regardless of if theyre male or female.  Their sex doesn’t change their worth to me.

I think you’re reading into this way too much.

Post # 13
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

What do you know about this history of your DH’s friendships with the two married women he messaged when you landed in Paris?  Did he ever date either of them? How far back does his friendship go with them? How often does he — or do the two of you — normally see/interact with these women and/or their husbands, and what is your DH’s relationship with these ladies’ husbands? 

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@fivemonthsnotice:  Disagree on the “wired differently” thing. People are people. Some men cheat, some women cheat. Some people look at their opposite sex (or same sex) friends and think “What if…?” and others just look at them and see the person who has their back.

Long story short: Do you trust the man that you JUST married, or don’t you? And if you don’t, why not?

Post # 15
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  I definitely misread part of your oringinal post.  Sorry!  I thought you said he texted her in addition to his mom.  Okay, yeah, that is a little weird and would probably bother me, too to be honest. 

The topic ‘FI's female friends started argument on honeymoon-upset and need advice’ is closed to new replies.

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