(Closed) FI's friends: Am I being unreasonable or is this behaviour normal?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh dear.

They sounds like the 18 year olds at my university. 

I don’t have a problem with my FI’s friends, but when he goes out I won’t always join him, and will just stay at home and chill out, or go out sometimes if he wants people over.

I think maybe going to your parents may be a good idea?

I’m not quite sure what to say, sorry ๐Ÿ™

Is your Fiance the first to get engaged/married in his group?

Post # 4
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

1 – your dogs. your rules. it’s like kids: since they’re yours, you get to set the standard for acceptable behaviour. tell them that you’re working on xx (barking/jumping/not getting worked up around people) and you would appreciate them supporting you and not confusing them. 

after reading your next two points though, i don’t know how well they’ll listen :S

suggestions for #2: only bring as much as you think you’ll want to drink. in your case i would’ve just given them the rest of your bottle or let your fiance drink it. i think if you’re gentle but firm they’ll let it slide. they won’t get it, but they’ll shrug it off and move on to more entertaining things.

#3 – excessive. go to some things, but don’t feel like you need to go for 15 hours. go for dinner, dancing, leave when you’re tired. don’t be afraid to set boundaries when it’s your property. when it comes to damaging your property, feel free to make it abso-fucking-lutely clear where that line is. try to be extra friendly/fun at other times so you don’t become that stick in the mud at parties ๐Ÿ˜‰ but seriously. damaging property is a no-go. redirect them if possible (with possible a bit of a compromise built in). “instead of shaking the tree want to break up more firewood” or “no shaking the tree. period. but feel free to throw the apples that are on the ground *away* from the house and neighbours’ property”. after you set limits a few times it should get easier.

finally, to avoid drunken nights without coming off as not wanting to hang out with them, try to fit in brunches, movies, shopping trips, other non-drinking events. they’re still going to be your fiance’s friends so you don’t want to let animosity grow. if you skip out on an event to study (great excuse btw!), try to plan a “makeup” coffee for later on in the week.

i wrote more than i was originally planning on, but i hope some of that helps!

Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

They sound like any other group of lifelong guy friends to me, and yes .. a bit immature. And guys get along by teasing and bagging on each other and by picking on you (with the drinking and going out) they are trying to get you to loosen up and have fun, their fun. 

With the dogs.. yea its annoying when youre tryin to instill certain behaviors in your dog and someones comes and messes it up. Id say remind your guy about that and tell him if he doesnt that you will.

Id be pissed about the tree thing and woulda said something right away without consulting my guy. “Yea that was fun, ok now pick it up” said totally stonefaced. I dont like that kinda stuff, people messing with my stuff. I seriously would have called a few of them up and say, “hey that wasnt cool, I get we all like to get together and all but next time everyones trashing stuff we are doing it at your place”.

Id say youre kinda lucky that they want you around.. cause I know alot of couples that cant hang out with the other partners friends because they arent wanted/liked. They like you cause you make your man happy and the way they let it all hang out in front of you means that they are comfortable with you.. which means you should be comfortable saying how you feel as well without feeling uncomfortable about how it will be received. Start speakin up and start bringin home some annoying friends of your own! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The only thing they’ve done that is really annoying is the apples + siding. Have you ever talked to these people when they’re doing things you don’t like or do you just hope your Fiance will and he doesn’t? Honestly, I get my friends’ dogs wound up. I say to my friends, “You have to drink more! Shots!” and, well, I don’t throw things but they probably didn’t realize those were eating-apples. In my area there are loads of crab apples that aren’t edible. 

And the woman who is telling you about wedding vendors… well… you sound mean. She’s trying hard to bond with you, share an experience, etc and you’re hung-up on the fact that her information isn’t useful to you because you have a different budget. She doesn’t know your budget. In fact, she might be downplaying the vendors thinking you are using a smaller budget for the wedding. She’s trying to girl bond with you. 

Same for the bros “pushing” you to drink more. It’s all playful and they’re trying to bond with you. You don’t have to be drunk to bond with them, but if you’re sitting there judging their behavior and trying to put up walls against them, well, you’ll be Mr Te’s wife that no one gets along with.

Post # 11
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Everybody’s tolerance level is different. What one person finds annoying, others may find amusing.

I can relate to you in that I am not a very social person. It I spend too much time with certain people, other than those I feel very closest too, I will get annoyed and over critical.

Is there anyway you can take breaks from spending time with them? Perhaps your Fiance can go out with them while you do something that’s fun for you.

Post # 12
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

Ew.. the sexual talk about you is gross. Thats up to your SO to correct.. Im surprised he didnt.
And that lady was being tacky You should start sayin all the things you think.. why not?!

Post # 14
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MrsBroccoli:  I agree with you.

@futuremrste:  While I get that some of this behaviour is ridiculous, it’s also seems typical for a bunch of guys.  What you are missing is this: they want to hang out with you.  Most groups like this would find it weird that the wife of one of their members was coming to all these events.  They are actually inviting you and trying to include you.  They are treating you like a guy.  That’s a big deal.  Does that mean you should have to deal with dumb comments?  No, but I think that you’re ultra sensitive because you don’t have the normal coping skills that comes with having a group of friends.  Don’t like their comments?  Say something back.  

Most of my friends are guys and if you’re going to be friends with guys, you have to realise that they can often seem “mean” to each other.  You don’t have to dish it back, but you can stop the comments if you say something.  “Dude, how about we not discuss my boobs?”  could work well.

They probably “recruited” the friend’s wife to hang out with you.  She’s trying to get to know you.  How are you responding to her ideas?  Have you showed her some pictures of what you are thinking?  She may, just with that, get the hint that you are throwing a different type of wedding.  To me, it looks like she’s trying hard to include you and you’re kind of blocking her.

If you are not used to having friends, I would imagine that any behaviour you wouldn’t do yourself would seem weird and annoying. If you can’t integrate, I would take breaks so you can recharge (go to your parents, etc).  I also think that making some more efforts to find some friends of your own would be a good idea.  It will probably really piss off your Fiance if you keep complaining about his friends…it will drive a wedge between the two of you.  So, if you can’t hang out with these guys without being annoyed (trust me…they will pick up on that and you AND your guy could start to see less and less invitations), you need to figure out some coping skills.

ETA: Just saw your response about the wife and dress budget.  Just say “The dress is really important to me, so I’m going to spend a bit more”.  I get that she’s being a bit…pushy, but I think that she’s probably trying to help and maybe she’s not so good at the friend thing either?  I mean, most people don’t start talking about money after being introduced.  She skipped pleasentries and went right to cash which is…awkward.  How about changing the subject?  Get to know her, apart from her wedding.  She could just be harping on this one topic because she doesn’t know what else to talk to you about.
 

Post # 15
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@MrsBroccoli:  Totally agree with your comment!

Post # 16
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsBroccoli:  I completely agree

 

They sound almost EXACTLY like my FI’s friends…and I LOVE THEM!  They are awesome guys, who we have a lot of fun with, and they are the kind of people who you are friends with for life…they will do ANYTHING for you…They’ve even asked for me to come out and play without Fiance when he’s been sick!

Since you are someone who never had friends….I think this is the issue…being anti social really makes you unaware of how people are in social situations….I don’t think their behaviour is abnormal or unacceptable in their own group of friends….

The sexual comments are made around me too….not usually about me though, but i KNOW when the women aren’t around they talk about it to each other…and one of the guys is married to another guy’s sister!  LOL…

Be glad that the friend’s wife LIKES you…there was one wife in the group who HATED me (I have no idea why) and pointedly left me out of stuff (like everyone is over at their house and she invites in all the women except me to see something)….now she seems to like me, I think she realized i’m around to stay ๐Ÿ˜‰

I would say set boundaries….FI’s friends like me because i WILL say stuff to them…if I get annoyed I TELL them….and they back off….but then, I’ve known them for as long as I’ve known Fiance (9 years) so we have a good relationship and trust each other…..

Give the guys a break…they are guys…..and late 20’s early 30’s they still act like idiots…lol

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