(Closed) FI’s grandma wants us to get married in a church

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

unless she’s paying for the whole wedding, go with what you want. you can’t please everyone.

Post # 5
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly, if you don’t feel its right for you, don’t do it. To please grandma, are you going to stand in front of everyone you know and promise to raise your future children Catholic, knowing you don’t want to/probably won’t? Yes, she might be a bit upset, but she’ll get over it.

Post # 6
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe there’s a way to compromise on this like have a priest do your ceremony outside. Honetly, I wouldn’t worry about what she wants too much, especially if she’s the only one.

As for me, I was raised by my grandparents, am their first grandchild, and got married outside even though my granddad hated the idea. In the end, he wasn’t paying for it, so we did what we wanted, where we wanted.

Post # 7
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

She might get upset, but I’m sure she will get over it.  Or maybe you will have to deal with her whining about it at every family function.  But would that be worse than not having a wedding ceremony that is meaningful to you and your FI?

Post # 8
296 posts
Helper bee

I would not kowtow to her wishes/demands, because this wedding is about you and your Fiance, not her. And you know what? I’m almost positive she’ll get over it, and be so excited to support you on your big day, that in the moment she’ll totally forget that it’s not in a church.

Post # 10
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This is tough.  On the one hand, as a praticing Catholic, I totally get why it’s important to Grandma that you be married in the Church.   On the other hand, it is not her wedding.  It is yours and your FI’s wedding. 

While I certainly think that we shold take our families’ thoughts and wishes into considersation (e.g., I chose blue bridesmaid’s dresses because my sister feels her best in blue), this is a bit different.  Honoring Grandma’s wishes would change your entire vision of your wedding.

A compromise might be to have the wedding you want and agree to have your marriage later convalidated by the Church.  But I hesitate to even suggest this if you really don’t even identify as Catholic.

Would Grandma maybe feel better if you had some type of minister preside over your outside wedding (rather than a civil officiant?)  I’m guessing not, but maybe some type of clergy blessing might help?

In the end, unless Grandma is financing things, she really has no say.  It is your wedding and you should have the wedding you want and are comfortable with.


Post # 11
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

We had a similar situation–both of our grandparents wanted us to get married in a church, but neither of us have been to church in years.  When I started looking for Catholic churches to get married in, I found that all the churches nearby wanted us to either 1)be active members of said church or 2)get exclusive permission from the Catholic church in which we are active members.  Since we are not “active” at any Catholic church, we decided just to have the ceremony at our reception venue and we are very happy with it.  The Catholic church frowns upon people who are not members using their church for wedding services, and I agree with you that it just seems wrong to get married somewhere that you are not really a welcome member of the community.

I like what you decided about getting the wedding “blessed” by the church–maybe we could do this too.

Post # 12
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

I would avoid talking about your wedding plans with that grandmother as much as possible. Hopefully by the time the issue does arise it will be too late (many chruches require 6 months to a year advanced notice, right?

Post # 13
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Meh, do what you want.  As a friend told her grandmother, “God does not just exist in the church…he is everywhere, including outside.”

Post # 14
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My grandpa refused to come to my wedding if it wan’t in the church. My wedding was outdoors, performed by a secular officiant. He stayed home. His loss, not mine! You need to do what will make you the most comfortable, and everyone else just needs to deal with it!

Post # 16
5 posts
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m in a slightly similar situation.  FI’s brother is adamant Fiance and I need to be married in a church.  It had escalated to the point where Future Brother-In-Law said our marriage would be doomed, he won’t be in support of our marriage, etc.  Fiance and I had a serious conversation as to whether or not Future Brother-In-Law should even be invited to the wedding because his comments were so hurtful.  I’m sure there are also some family members who are also thinking these things, just not saying them.  For the record, Fiance and I consider ourselves spiritual.   

Fiance and I have chosen to continue with our outdoor ceremony (with our friend officiating) as planned.  We have chosen and written a ceremony that is reflective of how we view marriage in general and to each other.  By choosing the ceremony we wanted, we felt as though we were respecting ourselves, our views, our relationship, and our future marriage.

This is YOUR wedding ceremony and only YOU and your Fiance need to be comfortable with it. 

I hope this helps and good luck. 

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