Post # 1
My Fiance was a jehovah witness, left and met me. Because he wasn’t attending meetings anymore we didn’t think our relationship would be an issue. But they tracked him down, got our phone number and disfellowshipped him for “adultery” as we were living together prior to getting married.
As a disfellowshipped jw, you are considered non existent to all other jw’s, family included. They are not to communicate with you, associate with you, or look at you. As a result his family won’t attend our wedding which is breaking my FI’s heart.
The only way they will attend is if he gets reinstated. In order to do that we have to be married.
The solution: we have to go to a marriage commissioner months before my wedding day and get legally married. Then his family will be able to attend the wedding ceremony. I hate it and it makes me want to cry. His stupid family and cult of a religion has ruined my wedding day and turned what should be one of the happiest days of my life into a farce.
Post # 3
Do what works for you and your Fiance. But he probably shouldn’t re-join the church if he had valid reasons for leaving it in the first place…
Post # 4
If anyone or group tries to separate my family from me because of who I choose to marry, that’s not an organization I’d like to be any way associated with. It’s terrible that his family has chosen to follow this mandate that they not contact your Fiance, but I am sure Fiance had a good reason for leaving (which was not you) and he surely knew that these would be the consequences. I’m not saying that’s easy to handle, but, he should consider whether or not his family will be a positive aspect to his life with you, if they will so easily ignore him and judge him for his choices.
Post # 5
@ria_lynn: Awe, I’m sorry to hear this your wedding day should be the day that YOU want it to be. Obviously you love your Fiance and want him to be happy. A lot of people get legally married before their wedding day for various different reasons and it doesn’t make their day any less special, and in lots of different cultulre it is common to have more than one ceremony. I know that it’s not your ideal situation but things could always be worse. If you decide to get married in your FI’s church just think about the community and family that you will be bringing joy to and joy is always a good thing when it comes to weddings.
Post # 6
I’m sorry this is happening…. since his family does still matter to your Fiance no matter how nuts it is, you solution seems like an ok one. Between you and him though, I’d just ignore the legal motions, and celebrate your original wedding day as the one that counts. I know of a lot of people who get married legally long before the celebration, and use the celebration date as the “real” wedding date.
Post # 7
does your Fiance want to rejoin the JW or is it only so his family will be able to see him get married and then he will quit?
will they be able to come to a non JW wedding, meaning the wedding you are planning and not the JW wedding
Post # 8
I think what you are willing to do for your Fiance, who is heartbroken, is great. It is still his family and if he has to play games to make his super religious family okay with your relationship, whatever.
Post # 9
Im with @eloping Is he wanting to rejoin just for them to attend? Also, my FI’s mother and brother practice JW and im too now wondering if they will be attending the wedding. Also, im planning on moving in with Fiance in 3 months….oh boy! Thanks for posting this now I need to research
Post # 10
I second redheadm. But I also understand why it is so complex because of his family. I am sort of shocked that they would not come to their own son’s wedding… hardly very Christian! I am also shocked that they took the time to track you down just to give you terrible news… how spiteful, and not at all in line with Christ’s teachings.
That said, if you have already made the decision about what to do, then you need to let all of this go and be at peace with it. The legal aspect of the marriage is only a piece of paper… think about what is important to you… is it the religious aspect, or the blessing of your friends and family? You can have both of those things just the way you like them at the actual ceremony… it won’t be ruined just because you signed a form beforehand!
I would be more concerned about other things, to be honest. I take it you have no desire to raise your children as JWs, and you may find that your fiance will be disfellowshipped for this, or other reasons, in the future. His family will then almost certainly act in exactly the way that they are acting now. He can hardly be expected to be held to ransom over this, and In My Humble Opinion I think that if his family truly loved and respected him, they would support him no matter what. I think that he will need your love and support in the years to come, when his family (inevitably) disown him. Therefore I think you need to focus on how you will support him, rather than on the wedding itself. Good luck and best wishes!
Post # 11
@eloping: he is only getting reinstated so his family will associate with him again. He (thank goodness) does not follow any of the jw beliefs. Our wedding will not be at their hall either. We had having an outdoor wedding with the two of us saying our vows to each other.
Thank you everyone for your advice and support. This is exactly what I need!
Post # 12
So for him to get reinstated, neither of your families will really be at the wedding, since you’ll have to have the actual ceremony ahead of time. If he doesn’t get reinstated, at least your family will be able to attend. Some people aren’t bothered by having their actual ceremony ahead of the time, but obviously you are and I completely understand that, I’d be the same way. What does your Fiance want to do?
Post # 13
There will probably be a number of things they will want changed about your real wedding if they attend – no toasting for example – and they technically should not associate with him even if you are married if he does not follow their beliefs. I’d have your real wedding without them on the date you initially wanted and then hold some kind of vow renewal and reception for them once they decide it’s ok to attend. That way everything about their reception can be things that will make them comfortable and not cause problems for your fiance.
Post # 14
Wow. There are so many issues involved in your situation that it’s hard to know where to begin to comment. I think the best thing I can do is just to ask some of the questions that I have:
* If he is “reinstated,” will it only be for the time between your legal marriage and your planned wedding?
* If he is only reinstated temporarily and does leave the JWs again after your wedding, will he have to give up his family all over again?
* Could the conflict that you’re trying to resolve by getting married immediately in a civil ceremony also be resolved by your agreeing to no longer live together or be sexually involved until AFTER your originally planned wedding?
Post # 15
I have an uncle who became a JW after his wife died. It was really hard on his kids (10 & 12 @ the time), especially after marrying another woman a couple years later. It’s sad to see parents disown their own children simply b/c their beliefs are only slightly different. I try not to judge, but it’s a pretty wonky religion.
I feel for you guys, for sure. Like PPs have said, get married the way you want to. If his family is willing to attend a sort of 2nd reception after the fact, great! Your plan works fine, too. Have a heart to heart w/your Fiance about his beliefs, his family’s actions, & how they could reflect upon your future (children, etc.) It’s not fair that he has to reinstate for them to associate w/him again. If they’re that hardcore, they’re just going to ignore him after you two get married & make it clear you’re not going the JW route.
Good luck! I hope his family comes to their senses.
Post # 16
I’m really sorry your wedding is being ruined. I would be crushed if it was me. But, I don’t feel like anybody is in a position to call someone’s beliefs a cult. It may not make sense to you but, it must be hard for his family not to attend his wedding and are probably just as upset about not being there. I hope everything gets resolved, and everything works out with your wedding.