(Closed) FI's low labido

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
967 posts
Busy bee

I feel bad no replied to you lol. It’s like getting no response from your Fiance, eh?

I think you should postpone your wedding and not just because of the lousy sex life, although that’s part of it.

When you marry someone and commit your life to them, it’s a lifetime contract. YOu are agreeing to make their happiness and well-being a top priority. If there is something going on that is making you really unhappy and unfulfilled and feeling distant from your partner, it is their obligation/ job/ promise/ vow to do what they can to help you resolve that. Your Fiance has no interest in stepping up and doing that. Maybe because it is making him feel uncomfortable or inadequate. Who knows. But again, that means he is willing to leave you in the pit of despair to avoid feeling his own discomfort. Not good. Not good at all. Your partner is supposed to be the one who would risk everything for you no matter how much it hurts. But yours doesn’t seem to want to feel a little discomfort and embarrassment.

Now, the sex. It’s important to you, as you are realizing. And that’s okay. For some people, it isn’t. Like your Fiance. It’s quite possible that you two just have markedly different sex drives and ideas about it. People are different and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is one of you unilaterally deciding that his/her thoughts, feelings and opinions about it are what the two of you are going to adhere to. It is possible for two people with vastly different sex drives to make things work. It’s difficult, but possible. But it requires major ongoing communication and compromise. If that isn’t there, it just isn’t going to work. You will both end up feeling resentful, inadequate and unhappy.

I think signing on the dotted line when your relationship is in this state is a big mistake. It is sending the crystal clear message that you accept that it may continue like this forever. Can you honestly look five, ten, twenty years down the road and say you can live like this for that long? It will actually probably get even worse as you get more comfortable and routine with each other. I mean, this is the high point, sexually speaking. This is as good as it gets.

How do you feel when you say that to yourself? This is as good as it gets. Say that to yourself a few times, feel the feelings that come with taht, and tehn do whatever you feel you need to do to address those feelings. But don’t be cruel enough to marry this guy if you have serious doubts.

Post # 3
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

UKbee:  I feel for you and have had similar experiences (not to the same extent). It really sucks when you have a sex drive higher than your partner.

Question: does he watch porn?

Post # 4
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Will it be enough for you to have sex every two weeks in the missionary position in the dark… for your whole life?

I know sex is not everything, but it’s important part of a relationship.

What about you both going to a sex therapist or something that helps him open up more?

Post # 7
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

UKbee:  Hmm maybe he should see a doctor? Or you guys can see a sex therapist? As PPs have said, the lack of sex will soon drive you to the brink, no matter how much you love him.

Post # 8
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Your fiance may have low testosterone. Maybe he should see a doctor and check to make sure everything is as it should be. 

Regarding his comments about you, thats so offensive. I hope he is in great shape since he’s criticizing you. 

Post # 9
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You guys need a vacation to a nice romantic, stress free place where you can just relax and love each other.

Post # 10
2139 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014


I think the main problem here is the fact that he won’t communicate about this.

It could just be low libido, it could be fear of letting you down, it could be something else (depression?), it could be that he’s not attracted to you enough (which would be nothing to do with your weight or what you’re wearing -> so I wouldn’t marry the guy if that were the case).. etc.. But the main thing is you guys should be able to have a discussion about it and if it’s just the fact that he doesn’t need sex as often or in the same way as you do then you guys should be able to find a compromise and meet in the middle.

But if you start a conversation and he shuts down and blows you off, then it’s a problem. I wouldn’t marry a guy I couldn’t talk about everything to..


Post # 12
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017


UKbee:  Im going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe he struggles with anxiety of some kind. I struggle with anxiety and stress management and it can really do a number on me when it comes to my sex drive. My SO is the same way, we both work long hours and have a lot of family responsibilities. The last thing I feel like doing after most of my weekdays is having sex. I just want to shower and wash the day off and go lay under the blankets. It has nothing to do with not wanting my partner. I always want him, but stress and anxiety usually win out.

Something to consider is that having a few drinks will loosen you up. It takes away the stress and anxiety for some people. In your FI’s case,it may just be that it gives him enough mental relaxation from his usual stressed out state that he’s able to perform and get into sex a bit more after a few drinks. I also know that if I’m drinking, I’m far more relaxed and tend to not over think things as much as I normally would and in turn that helps me to be a bit more open in the bedroom (not that I struggle with it that much) so rather than think about how my fat is showing or what kind of lighting im in, I just do it, and it turns out better for everyone lol. So that could be why he wants it more after a few drinks, take away the thinking\stress and it makes it much easier to get going and focus.


My SO and I only have sex about 1-2 times a week. sometimes not at all depending on schedules. We live two blocks from each other so while we dont’ live together, we do not live far at all. He works sometimes 10-12 hours a day and I work a full time day job and then have my son to cart around 6 days a week to football practice. then we both still have to worry about regular errands, household chores, cooking dinner, and preparing for the next day. So you can imagine that sex isn’t really on our radar most days. My point in saying this is that you should focus on quality rather than quantity. When it does happen, work on making it as fullfilling as possible. That’s where he’s going to have to meet you halfway.

Post # 13
2640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

Another thing that could be happening here is depression. 

I was the one with the high sex drive in our relationship unitl I got hit with depression. It makes me feel lazy, unsexy, etc. My depression is not so bad that I need medication, but it’s constant work to do things, inclding sex. 

Some people don’t want to classify what they’re feeling as depression, so instead they say stress, etc. Just something to consider while you’re delving into this!

Post # 14
366 posts
Helper bee

Having read your post, i think the issue here is confidence and inhibition. You said that when he has a few drinks in him, it’s more adventurous – like you want. I think he’s probably not used to being adventurous in bed and feels bashful/awkward/embarassed to act out the fantasies you both have. But when he’s had a few drinks and his inhibitions are down, he’s all for it. Maybe he just needs to get more used to being adventurous in the sack?

Post # 15
265 posts
Helper bee

I recently got married, and I have found that my hubby has a low sex drive. Before we got married, he rarely wanted to have sex. He only seemed to want to please me in that area. I figured he just wanted to get married first, and then the sex would be constant. Wrong! We had sex twice on our honeymoon, and we’ve had sex once since we’ve been home. We’re not even having sex once a week. I asked him tonight if we could have sex, but he said that it would be better to wait until the weekend. I’m dying! I just don’t get it, and it makes me feel like I’m not pleasing him or something. He even made the comment the other day that we’re newlyweds, so we should be all over each other. But, that’s not happening. I guess I’m in the same boat as you, but we were never adventurous before. He’s always preferred missionary.

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