Post # 1
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
So Fi’s parents are divorced. Dad is remarried to the woman he cheated on mom with. In Fi and my culture, we do a tea ceremony where we give tea to our parents and our aunts and uncles, grandparents. We’ll usually do a ceremony at my house with my parents then go over to Fi’s parents. Fi’s dad has a much bigger and nicer place. But I don’t think theres any way in hell Fi’s mom is going to go over there… So that leaves the choice of renting a place big enough to accommadate everyone and hope that Fi’s parents will manage to get a long and be civil or end up doing two ceremonies for Fi’s parents… The only people that will be at the ceremony are relatives from that side and bridesmaid/groomsmen will follow. Can anyone point out any flaws in this plan?
Post # 2
Member
3396 posts
Sugar bee
The flaw in having two ceremonies is that you will establish to the divorced parents that you are willing to cater to their ridiculousness forever. I don’t blame the mom for not wanting to hang out with the mistress, but still.
Post # 3
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
I like your idea about a neutral ground. But it’s not always necessary to go out of your way. I know of a couple that sat their divorced parents and SOs (dad cheated on mom with mom best friend) at the same table. She said they have to deal with this since they had her and it’s her wedding 😛 My parents are divorced and I was really worried how things would go at my brother’s wedding, but my mom really held it together and was so nice to everyone. She didn’t go to the reception though, that’s where she drew the line. You know your family best, and I’m sure it’s important to you to have a smooth day considering the family relations. I’d even recommend asking your mom how she feels (if you have that kind of relationship) but it’s not necessary.
Post # 4
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If you’re doing a separate ceremony for your family, could you invite your FI’s mother to that one?
Post # 5
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
This is a little different than what tradition dictates, but could you do the entire tea ceremony at your parents? Set up 2 alters/2 tables: one for bride ancestors and your side and one of Fiance ancestors and “his” side? The reason I suggest that is your Fiance parents should behave as guests in you parents home. I would also put grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, or whoever between them so they don’t have to sit next to each other. You’ll have to go to them to serve tea anyways.Â
We are doing the tea ceremony all at our house anyways since we live together already – so we are tweaking it to suit or needs. Good luck!Â
Post # 6
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Kandykane : If you’re already doing 2 tea ceremonies (your family and FI’s family), I don’t see the harm in doing 3 (your family, FI’s father’s side, FI’s mother’s side).
For single, non-repeatable ceremonies (like the actual wedding and reception), FI’s mother will just have to tolerate being in the same room as FI’s stepmother. But it doesn’t sound like the tea ceremony falls into that category.
Post # 7
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
Will FI’s father pay for the neutral location? If he’s the right combination of guilty about his behavior and its impact on his family and happy with his new wife, my guess is that he will.
I wouldn’t plan two ceremonies for divorced people. Honoring the comfort of FI’s mother I can appreciate (so not expecting her to go to FFIL’s house) but two ceremonies adds to your planning stress and to do list without any of the burden of this landing on the person who caused the problem in the first place.
Post # 8
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
TwilightRarity : No we would have to pay but he’s basicly covering the reception. They’ve been divorced for 10+ years and I’ve heard of a lot of crazy behavior from Fi’s mom(from fi) because of how angry she got and she is still just as bitter. I do have a lot of empathy for her.. His dad will probably be okay in being at the same location as his mom. I’m more afraid of his mom going apeshit…
tnacity1123 : Unfortuantely, my parents’ house is way wayyyyy too small.
Post # 9
Member
39 posts
Newbee
Getting a different venue so that FI’s mom doesn’t have to go to FI’s dad’s house seems reasonable. However I don’t think having two ceremonies is necessary. They are grown adults and should be able to get along, especially for their sons wedding.
Post # 10
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
Kandykane : one ceremony or invite none of them. They need to stop acting like children.
Post # 12
Member
6766 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Kandykane : Where does it stop? If you have a child will you host separate birthday parties? Either a neutral location or offer FI’s mother the choice to either attend the ceremony at your parents’ home (she’s just one additional person) or your FI’s father’s home. You should not have to have three ceremonies.
Post # 13
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
I agree with PPs that while you could do two ceremonies, that just shows his parents that you are willing to go along with their bickering forever. My FI’s parents are divorced (his dad also had an affair, and his now married to that woman), and we are having a very small wedding. We are not going to go along with any ridiculous requests from them, they have a son together and need to get along. We don’t want to deal with two of the same holidays and events to accomodate each parent for the rest of our lives, especially when we have kids. That’s just asking too much in my opinion!
Post # 14
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
Kandykane : 10 years is long enough that the mom can deal for an hour or however long the ceremony is. I mean, I get it – I really get it. My parents are divorced and my dad is married to the woman he cheated on my mom with. So I can see how it would be uncomfortable for my mom to go to my dad’s house, but for a once-in-a-lifetime event, she would do it and it would all be fine.
The situation your parents put themselves in has nothing to do with you, and they need to remember that. The child is always innocent. They need to suck it up for your sake and act accordingly.
Post # 15
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
I would not pander to them. It’s been long enough and they are both adults. They can suck it up and play nice for one day. It is a slippery slope- if you have two ceremonies to keep them happy, what will they expect next? Two birthday parties for your kids? Put your foot down now and tell them this day is about you- not them. Time for them to grow up.
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