Post # 1
I will start off by saying I am all about family. It has taken me forever to accept that my Fiance doesn’t talk/have a relationship with his mom.
We are going to be sending out save the dates for our out of town wedding in a few months, so we have been working very hard to finalize the guest list. His stepsister we are pretty sure is bipolar. When we got engaged (on a cruise with his family), she ruined the entire week because all attention wasn’t on her. It’s a very long story, but she said very hurtful things to me while on vacation, and Fiance is super upset about it and doesn’t want her at the wedding because we can never tell what her mood is going to be like. When we see her now, she acts like nothing happens and is fully expecting an invitation. I feel like if we don’t invite her, it’s going to cause problems with his family, but if we do, we are risking having our $30k wedding ruined. His family just forgives her over and over (she fights with them constantly too about everything), but Fiance is not that kind of person when it comes to people hurting me. I don’t know what to do, though!
Post # 2
I think if you are concerned about her health and wellbeing she needs to be tested for bipolar. Assuming that is a genuine concern. If she is bipolar she should be pout on medication asap, or ruining your wedding will be the least of your worries
Post # 3
heyitsnicolelee: I do think you need to invite her, however, if you are having seating arrangements is there someone in the family or family friend that can kind of “babysit” her?
Post # 4
janedw: His family has had her on meds multiple times, but I think they have reached a conclusion that she can’t be helped unless she wants to be. She just stops taking them and continues with her life. They have also tried counseling with her. It’s really a sad situation.
Post # 5
right but how can she be properly medicated if she has not been tested and diagnosed?
If she is not being properly medicated than the pills can make her feel a way that would discourage her from taking them. Sorry I am just playing devils advocate here. I am bi polar and before I was diagnosed and properly medicated I did many things that my family has luckily forgiven me for.
Post # 6
I agree with creativeplannertobee. Invite her and assign a family member or friend to keep an eye on her and keep the potential damage to a minimum.
Tough situation all around. I hope she gets the help she needs someday.
Post # 7
janedw: OP isn’t really in a position to force the stepsister to receive treatment for her mental illness. If she’s a danger to herself or others she can be TDO’d to a facility, but otherwise no one can force her to take medication. As an adult that is her right. The best they can do is encourage her.
heyitsnicolelee: If you truly believe that she will actually ruin you’re wedding then I wouldn’t invite her. Remember too that your Fiance likely knows her better than you and he doesn’t think she should come. I would be honest with her and her family about why she’s not invited.
If however you think she can be managed, maybe by having a family member keep an eye on her then I would invite her but be clear with her that behavior like on the cruise won’t be allowed. I don’t know where your venue is but if possible maybe you could have a room where she can go get her shit together if needed
Post # 8
ms1984: I never said she should force her to do anything, nor did I imply that she should try and do so.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy
Bipolar Disorder is a genuine medical condition that can be treated with proper medication, although she isn’t consistently med compliant, that is not unusual for the disorder. It’s offensive to refer to someone with a mental illness as “PSYCHO” because of a medical problem over which they have little to no control.
Would you exclude someone with a seizure disorder who didn’t take their medication because a seizure would “ruin your day”? Would you exclude a family member with Turrettes Syndrome over outbursts they can’t control? How about a diabetic who didn’t take their insulin and passed out or seized due to low blood sugar? How about a family member with intellectual impairment or autism? Wold you say you didn’t want a “RETARD” at your wedding?
Everyone isn’t young, beautiful and healthy and they shouldn’t have to be in order to share your special day. Just remember that you won’t always be those things either and I pray that people show you more tolerance and empathy than you’ve chosen to.
Post # 10
You cannot “put” someone on medication. Has fiance spoken to his mom or dad, and explained his position. If they are not paying, it is his decision.
I agree, everyone not young and healthy, but either she is sick or not, and if she is making decision not to take meds, then the consequences have to be explained to her.
Post # 11
As a person with diagnosed Bipolar II disorder…. I really really dislike being labeled a ‘psycho’.
I don’t think there is much you can do about your Future Sister-In-Law. No one can force her to take medication, no one can commit her to a psychiatric ward and make her stay there.
Post # 12
I would hope that if she truly is mentally unstable, then you would stop blaming her, and try to be more compassionate. It’s not as easy as snapping out of it, or just taking medication – mental illness is complicated and not easy. Maybe the reason the family keeping a forgiving her is because they realize that some challenges are beyond her control and have compassion towards her situation. Invite her. She’s his sister and it’s the right thing to do. for the love of everything, don’t be the bitchy bride who ostricized the mementally ill sister from the wedding because she was afraid it wouldn’t be perfect if she was there. Families are messy. Life is messy. Your wedding will be fine.
Post # 13
It’s hard to say what to do here without knowing more details. I guess the key to me would be whether you think someone would be able to step in and remove her from the wedding/get her help if she had an episode during your day. If I were you, I would support whatever your Fiance thinks is best. It’s his wedding, too, and his family. Sometimes people cut family members off for good reason.
Post # 14
I really don’t appreciate how you labeled someone who may suffer from Bipolar Disorder as “psycho”.. talk about being insesitive and unempathetic.
“His stepsister we are pretty sure is bipolar”.. also, don’t assume someone is mentally ill just because his or her behavior is appears to be mentally unstable. If you are concerned, you should make sure she gets psychological and emotional support from a professional.
Post # 15
If she really is bi-polar then stopping medication when on the ‘up’ is very common, as the person genuinely and completely believes themself to be OK in that phase . It is not really a matter of saying ‘that she can’t be helped unless she wants to be’, though that is true of many things I agree.
Not inviting her is a serious thing, and unless she is actually violent and dangerous , I think it should be a very last resort . It is very unlikely your wedding (whatever it cost) would be ‘ruined’ even if she had an outburst of some sort out of the blue, esp if you have a family member (of hers) keeping her close . Keep an eye – not just you personally – on her pre-wedding behaviour and get her family – not you alone -to make a decision nearer the time . But by all means , invite her.
Oh and I agree with pps, do watch your labelling of her or anyone else’s illness. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to sound so heartless and flippant.