(Closed) FI’s racist family! :*( VS. ‘new’ guy in the pic 1 week before the wedding!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@Sasha2011:

Marriage isn’t like accepting a new job.  You can’t just ‘trade’ husbands since this other guy is a better fit.

I think if you were truly ready for marriage you wouldn’t even be asking a question like this.

I’m sorry if that seems harsh, but marriage isn’t easy and I don’t think you should be thinking about switching husbands because its easier!

ETA: I think this is DEFINITELY cold feet!

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ugh, so tough. I personally (as I’ve said so many times before on this board) could not marry someone whose family acted this deplorable.  Hubs and I are loved and accepted 100% by both families, and we have great relationships with every level of each others families.  Seriously, he spends more time with my dad and brother than I do, and its not unnatural for me to go hang out with his sister, or his cousin, or his aunt one day while he’s busy. 

I dunno, if I were in your situation, I think I might have to call off the wedding. Do you really want to put not only your future family, but your own family through this kind of stuff for the rest of your life? Its a really tough choice that only you can make, but if it were me, I would not marry this man. It sucks, but you have to look out for #1. 

With that said, I would not be with this man right away. You need time to yourself, time to heal and get over this if this is the route you decide to take. 

Post # 5
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

How would you feel if this mystery guy didn’t just re-appear now? Would you think it’s cold feet then?

In My Humble Opinion, you should have thought about “you” a long time ago and not 1 week before your wedding. You knew his family was crazy. Are you now just looking for excuses to end your engagement, cancel your wedding and run off with this other guy that’s NOW ready for a relationship? What if in 3 months he has decided he’s not ready for a relationship anymore?
The “new and unknown” are always more fun, especially when you’re fighting with your SO and/or his family. It’s not your mans fault that his family is psychotic. He’s willing to give them up for you. A lot of bee’s would kill for that.

I don’t mean to sound harsh or rude, I know you’re just on here looking for advice and not a bashing, which isn’t what I’m doing.. I’m just stating my opinion.

Good Luck.

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Oneeleven: I don’t think its a question of if she is ready for marriage, so much as a question of if she is ready to marry into this family.  I think the way they are acting is deplorable, and time and again, I am shaking my head and being ever so thankful that I am not in situations like this.  Its really tough to marry into a family, knowing that they will never accept you, because of some beliefs that they have. 

While I don’t think its right to trade spouses, so to speak, I think that this is an eye opener for sure, and somethign that requires a lot of thought. OP, if you do leave, don’t do it for this new guy, cuz you just don’t know if it will pan out. Do it for yourself, and your future family, so they don’t have to deal with hatred the rest of their lives

Post # 7
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsSl82be:

sorry, you’re right.  Ready for marriage with this guy is kind of more of what I meant. Besides a bout of cold feet, if these scenario is truly an option in her mind a week before her wedding, I don’t think she should be marry him right now.

Post # 8
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think, in light of what you’ve said, that your feelings are cold feet as well as a reaction to your FI’s family starting shit a week before the wedding.

Post # 9
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m going to say its a sign, but it will be what you make of it.

There are always going to be temptations in marriage. For some people this is stronger than others. I’ve always thought of myself as some what of a cheater -in general I am rarely happy or fulfilled with what I have, I tend to like the chase of new things, I love the feeling of lust. Kinda a recipe for disaster. However, that isn’t the path I choose. I choose to be with Fiance, to remain faithful, and to seek those feelings within the confines of this relationship.

I think you really need to check yourself right now. The commitment you’re about to make in 1 week is for real, and you are expected to uphold those vows (even though it seems today divorce is all to easy). Your choice is ether to stay in your relationship, deal with inlaws from hell gracefully, and work your ass off every day to keep your relationship strong. You could also choose not to, but there’s no inbetween. I would say you’re being emotionally unfaithful to Fiance right now and its just as damaging if not more so to a relationship than sex. Try find in Fiance what you’re finding in this guy -I’m sure its there.

I do understand how tempting it is to want to start over. My inlaws are horrible people too. They see me and treat me as though I am some subclass humanbeing, and their opinion of people different from themselves sucks in general. I hate the way they treat me, and I hate that Fiance can’t make them stop. He cannot bring himself to disconnect from them, and so I have to deal with them (its more complicated than this, but I won’t get into it). There are days where I am feeling so hurt, and angry with them I swear I’ll leave him over it some day. There’s definate temptation for me to find someone who’s family isn’t like that, but I won’t. I will just accept this as how it is, know its not really personal, and only reflects their poor character, not mine. I also realize that Fiance chose ME, he loves me in many ways for all the things they don’t think are ok because he wanted more than what his family offered. So, I’ll make it work, I’ll stick by his side, and he’ll build me up after they put me down.

 

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Oneeleven: No worries, just discussing, trying to get in my WB fill because I have a conference I have to leave for soon and won’t be on the bee for the rest of the week!

Post # 12
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I think you are just getting cold feet and thinking about the what ifs. I can totally relate as I have a similar “guy from my past” who I knew for years before Darling Husband but we were never in the same location after high school and when we were, he was not looking for a relationship. Before I married Darling Husband, my mind wandered to the what ifs with this other guy as I had recently learned he was ready for a long term relationship. In fact, we even we nt on a double date with him and some girl about 6 months before our wedding. So, yeah, his family is great and they live in the same city as mine where as Darling Husband is from another country and his family, while nice, is totally different than what I’m used to and do I really want to worry about what country to live in for all my life, speak another language, etc. I had all of those thoughts like you are having. Ultimately, though I know that I should be with Darling Husband becasue the other guy was not ready when I was before and he chose to do other things instead of taking a chance on “us” and now I am happy with Darling Husband and despite differences of culture, we have share similar life goals and interests and he and I were ready for each other and have had several happy years. I would not want to give up something great with Darling Husband for the possibility of something with this other guy which may never work out. I went through this thought process in 2009 and happily got married in 2010, other guy and I are still great friends, he was at our wedding and Darling Husband and he get along really well. Other guy is currently engaged and we all went on vacation together this summer which was a lot of fun but at the same time reminded me of some of his habits/behaviors I am happy to not have to deal with on a daily basis. I shared my long story to hopefully help you realize you are just looking at this from a grass is always greener perspective. Donät give up something great for something that may be. Whatever other guy has to say now does not matter because he was not ready for you when you could have had something more  together. For whatever reason, you were not his priority then adn you should not throw away your relationship with Fiance for him.   Unless you are truely unhappy, get married!

Post # 13
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsSl82be:

Aw a week! Holy smokes! And no, thanks for making me clarify!

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Oneeleven: Well, til Monday anyway. I am seriously going to have withdraws, and am not happy about the situation, but I will be so busy with the conference there just won’t be time for Weddingbee…

Post # 15
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@Sasha2011:

Can I make a suggestion?  Go somewhere peaceful alone with Fiance and talk to him. Tell him that you appreciate that he is upset too and that you realise this is super hard on you both.  Maybe make a ‘not unless it’s necessary’ rule for the rest of the time before the wedding.

Meaning… you should try and avoid talking/hearing about it and so should he.  You guys should screen your calls from his family and try not to discuss to the point that you get upset with each other.

It sounds like you love this guy and while difficult when the family is being so pig headed, the union is between you guys.  You’re adults and they will either grow to accept it or they won’t. Nothing you say or do will help that.

Post # 16
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsSl82be: Omg. I have withdrawls at night time. I can’t wait to get to work and hop on.

Good Luck at your conference!

The topic ‘FI’s racist family! :*( VS. ‘new’ guy in the pic 1 week before the wedding!’ is closed to new replies.

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