(Closed) Flipside: How would you feel if your child wasn't invited to the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 92
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I have a child and it depends on many different variables. Generally speaking, no. I would not be offended. Weddings, IMO, aren’t necessarily child-friendly affairs (Late nights/alcohol/bumping/grinding/long speeches/quiet ceremony/delicate expensive details in white). I don’t mind having a child-free night with my husband. I don’t see why my daughter’s presence is neccesary. I also don’t feel as though my child needs to be an exception to the couple’s request. 

On the flip side, I would do a double take if I noticed that exceptions were being made for other children but MY child was excluded. I think there needs to be a FAIR approach. If children are going to be in attendance (aside from the bridal party kids. flower girl/ring bearer/etc.) don’t make it a point to exclude my child. 

Sometimes parents get upset with the inconsistencies and take things personally. If I have a problem with how my family is being treated then it is likely that we will decline the invitation and go about life. After all, it isn’t our day. 

Post # 93
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t agree with you saying that not inviting children must mean the couple assumes they’ll behave poorly.

 

We are having selective children. Only our nieces. I have a lot of cousins. We are not inviting them.

1) cost issue. do we really want to pay another $15/child for 15-20 children? no.

2) it’s a wedding! i don’t see it as a comfy family get together in our living room. we spent a lot of time planning and making the wedding have a certain feel to it.

3) kids DO misbehave. some of my cousins are INSANE. we aren’t looking to have a kid’s playtime/wrestling match, we are having a wedding.

 

We spoke to everyone with children already and NO ONE has a problem with leaving the kiddos at home. Most of them are excited, actually.

 

If I had kids, I’d be pumped for a night out alone. And I wouldn’t want to worry about Susie throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of someone’s ceremony. I agree with PPs that say that you do not get to dictate the terms of your invitation. I am honored to be invited to any wedding and would never take it personally if a kid wasn’t invited. It’s not all about me, me, me but unfortunately I feel like thats how many people think now.

Post # 94
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Our best friends recently got married & the only child there was their son who is 11 years old & escorted his mother up the aisle.  No other children were invited.  We completely understood (my fiance has a daughter who we have 3-4 days a week) even though it was our night to have her.  Now, if we were coming from out of state & had no option of leaving her with her mom while gone (sole custody or if it was our child together), I could see it being difficult and possibly having to turn down the invitation. I might be disappointed that we couldn’t go but I wouldn’t feel offended.

For our wedding, we’ll have about 25-30 children in attendance and it DOES make a difference in price… but for us, we’ve chosen to have them invited.   But I completely understand other couples not wanting children there or not being able to afford to have those additional guests (kids) at their wedding.  I don’t take offense.

However, I am divorced and in my last marriage there was a HUGE family rift over this issue.  There was a wedding in the family and it was adult only… only exception was supposed to be for the ring bearer/flower girl (who were also children in the family).   So the other small children in the family were not invited.  Others in the family were VERY offended to the point they all stopped talking to one another.  In the end, they decided to suck it up and come to the wedding anyway because it’s family… and they left the other children in the family at home.   Well, they get to the reception and other guests had ignored the “adult only” part and brought their kids anyway!  So besides the rb/fg, it ended up there were like 4 other non-family kids at the wedding.  This infuriated the family members who had left their kids at home and it turned into World War 3 in the family.  

 

Post # 95
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Aquaria:  It wouldn’t bother me in the least.  Even if my child was invited, I wouldn’t bring them because I’d want to fully enjoy my fancy night out with my husband!

ETA – I would be offended if my siblings didn’t want their nieces/nephews there but beyond that it wouldn’t bother me at all.

Post # 96
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It’s really the couple’s prerogative if they don’t want children at the wedding. Personally, I think a wedding is a family event and it wouldn’t feel like my family was present if my cousins weren’t allowed to come, but it’s not my decision for anyone’s wedding other than my own. If I had children, it would be an inconvenience (finding a babysitter isn’t easy), but I wouldn’t tell a couple that I would not attend based on their decision not to include children.

I draw the line when couples say that their wedding is “child free”, but include children in the wedding party or only invite certain children. First of all, you’re more likely to have issues with kids misbehaving if there’s only one or two of them since they have nothing to do and no-one to talk to. Secondly, the poor included kids will be bored out of their minds and their parents will have to leave early, most likely due to whining. And thirdly, the double standard looks bad on the couple. Who wants to hear “I like this kid better than your kid, so your kid can’t come to my wedding”? If you’re having a no kid rule, don’t invite kids. Period.

Post # 97
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@hemoncdr:  The thing that pisses me off about the couples with the “adult free weddings”, the couple automatically assumes “Oh everyone will LOVE a night out without the kids”.  Sorry, you cannot make decisions for people. 

No one is making a decision for you. They’re choosing to host their event how they want, which they are well within their rights to do.  You are free to decide that you don’t want to be without your kids for the night and not attend. Simple as that.

Post # 98
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@WillowTreeWade:  Actually my cousin wanted the kids invited.  B**ch bride refused his wishes because he knows weddings are a FAMILY EVENT.  My grandmother was embarrassed at the BRIDE.  She said my cousin let the family down by letting this woman dictate everything.

I am not ashamed at all.  When he divorces the evil witch, I am going to send him on a week long first class paid vacation to Hawaii! 

And as I said, for friends, work friends etc. I never bring my kids.  Never.  But family weddings, you better bet every member of the family is to be invited. 

Post # 99
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@CanadaMoose:  Eh, I disagree that less kids means more behavior problems.  We had 3 children at our wedding – flower girl (5) ring bearer (2.5) and a 2 month old infant.  The Flower Girl and RB were perfectly well behaved and had a blast dancing with each other and all the other guests all night long.  The 2.5 year old was the life of the party on the dance floor, it was a blast!

Post # 100
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t have kids yet but I honestly can’t imagine I’d take this personally. I wouldn’t take a couple choosing to have a child-free wedding or even just to limit the number of children as a statement about MY child or their behavior. It has nothing to do with me or my family. It has to do with the type of event they want to have, their budget or whatever other factors they’re considering. They’re throwing a party so they are welcome to invite whoever they’d like.

Whether I could attend or not would again be based on tons of different factors, none of which being that I was insulted by their invitation.

Post # 101
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@Aquaria:  I don’t read it as the couple expecting my child to behave (if I had a kid).  I read it as they simply do not want children there.  I love my sisters kids, when they are good and bad.  But sometimes, I want just some alone time with my sister…no kids.  Even if the kids were 100% guaranteed to be angels, I just want to hang out with my sister without any distractions.  That’s how I look at couples who want child free weddings.  Not that they necessarily expect your kid to misbehave, but they want a nice & relaxed childfree night.  For that reason, I really don’t think I would take offense to it.

Post # 102
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Aquaria:  I don’t think I’d mind. It would probably be inconvenient to find a babysitter but I wouldn’t take it as a slight towards my child. Most of the time people don’t have kids at weddings because some aspect of the wedding is unsuitable for kids. If I had a tiny newborn baby I would understand not wanting them at the service but I’d like to bring them to the reception. 

I do agree with pps that couples using the ‘it’s good for the parents to have a night to themselves’ excuse it bullshit. Your wedding is not a relaxing date night, it’s a day long event that the couple is obligated to go to that requirea a lot of smalltalk with strangers and/or people you dislike. And if they are celebrating you the whole time how exactly is that a night to themselves? I think couples should be able to have child free weddings if they want to withot people being rude or unreasonable, but that particular justification is a crappy one. I think the couple can plan their own night away from the kids. 

Post # 103
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

People on here really amaze me sometimes. Wether it be a wedding or not you are guest at someone else’s event that THEY are paying for. It’s not your event, and you don’t make the rules. You don’t like it, you don’t go. It’s simple. Would you expect your children to go to a black tie affair with you? A work party that’s adults only? I think not. You are a GUEST! They are the host, their call. IMO.

Post # 104
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If it were close family, I’d be offended if my (future) kids weren’t invited and it was a wedding I needed to travel for. If it is any distant cousin or friend, I’d be fine with the terms of the wedding invitation.

As a bride, I had to make the decision on kids. We decided that if they were in the wedding or related by blood &/or marriage, then they were invited. All friends can find babysitters or decline the invitation. Just being consistent.

Post # 105
Member
13640 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would completely understand!  Weddings are expensive and there is usually not unlimited room to invite the children of each and every guest.   If I could go, I would and if not, I’d send regrets.  

Our family generally invites the  children of immediate family only. 

Post # 106
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@hemoncdr:  that poor girl is lucky you were not present at her wedding. you have a very mean heart.

The topic ‘Flipside: How would you feel if your child wasn't invited to the wedding?’ is closed to new replies.

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