(Closed) Flower Girl Dilemma

posted 4 years ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Is this really the hill you want to die on? Have two flower girls. 

Post # 3
Member
912 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

“Wow, Fiance. I didn’t realize this was so important to you. If you feel Camil is your family, she should absolutely be involved in our special day and I’m sorry if you felt I overlooked her. Would Camil prefer to be a flower girl or a junior bridesmaid?”

 

Make it Camil’s choice. If Camil, as a 13 year old, feels too old to be a flower girl then she gets to pick to be a junior bridesmaid. If she wants to be flower girl, she gets to be a flower girl. Also be sure to apologize – and mean it. Do not make this about who is ‘better’ to be flower girl. Do not make this about ‘blood’. Apologize for not valuing his input and recognizing Camil’s importance. Let your Fi know Camil WILL be IN the wedding. Let Camil choose in what capacity.

Post # 4
Member
4695 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m guessing it’s about more than who is flower girl. That may have been the first thing he could think of when put on the spot during the conversation. Even if you aren’t shooting down his other suggestions, it sounds like he’s feeling excluded from the process and the planning overall.

Post # 5
Member
4241 posts
Honey bee

You know how strongly you feel about Lily being the flower girl? He feels the same way about Cami. So why do your feelings matter more? 

Post # 6
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I get that you’re being humorous about the troll/hater, my-fiance-and-i-are-jerks thing, but that’s a HUGE red flag way more important than a flower girl.

That aside, he’s made it quite clear this is something that matters a lot to him. If my fiance was at the point where he felt it wasn’t even his wedding anymore because of my rejection of what he wanted, I’d be doing everything in my power to get him involved and listening to his ideas. You’re having such a huge reaction against it and frankly I’m just not getting the reasons why.

First off, you’re likely not even going to see her walk down the aisle, you’ll be behind her waiting to walk yourself. So you’re fighting for something you won’t even get to enjoy. Second, the reason she’s there isn’t just to look cute in a dress, is it? Cause then you’re just treating her like a prop, which is rather cruel. Last, I get the big family thing. But with big families I think its just the opposite, people get when they can’t be included because its tough to choose between such a wide array. Also, have people said they’ll be upset if anyone else tries to share the spotlight with the 3 year old? Or are you just guessing that it MIGHT upset them. 

Post # 8
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If nothing else you both need to work on compromise and constructive solutions- or it could be an ummm…. fraught marriage. 

Post # 11
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I just want to add given your last update- it is great your family is so close. But others are not as fortunate and at times the “family” you create means just as much if not more than the family you are born into. It sounds like that is the relationship your Fiance has with Cami

Post # 12
Member
4695 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
theatrejulia :  I second this. Blood relations are by chance – sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don’t. However, chosen “family” become family because of how important the person and relationship is to you. Camii is family to your Fiance by choice, Lily is family to you by chance. It doesn’t make one better than the other, just different.

Post # 13
Member
4241 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
st0dad :  Right, but just because you place more importance than he does on being blood/family, doesn’t mean that his feelings aren’t valid. So again, why are your feelings that blood trumps family friend more important than his feelings that family friends are just as important? 

Post # 15
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper

Here is the thing…you don’t get to pick your blood relations.  It’s super great that yours is awesome and your family values that so highly. But many have shitty families they happen to be born into – they didn’t choose that.  Or just families they don’t get along with.  For many of these people, the ones they choose to be like family ARE family.  DNA is not the only measure of a family.  This person is important to him and you’re being really judgmental and superior over her not having the proper DNA which is out of her control.  I’m glad you’re willing to compromise and I hope you consider how important these relationships are to him in the future instead of discounting them based on DNA.

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