Post # 1
My Fiance has become a bit jaded about our wedding, claiming it’s not his or ours… it’s just mine. So, I asked him, “why do you think it’s just my wedding?” He replied that “Well whenever I suggest something, you reject it.” This threw me off… “what? Name a suggestion that I said no to!”
And it was the ONE thing he asked that I said no… -ONE- thing: The Flower girl.
“I wanted Camii to be the flower girl, you said no. You said Lilly has to be the flower girl.”
And he’s right. I did say no to Cami. Here is why:
1: Camii is the daughter of his best friend, and he considers her like family. But she’s not actually related to either of us.
2: Lilly is my niece. She’s my actual niece, flesh and blood, the daughter of my big brother.
3: Lilly is also the first child of the new generation in my family. I have the big family, so she is very important to us.
4: Camii is turning 13 the year of our wedding. I think that makes her too old to be a flower girl. She should be a Jr bridesmaid.
6: Lilly is turning 3 the year of our wedding. What’s cuter than a 3YO flower girl!?
3: I’ve met Camii once?
5: My Fiance has met Lilly many, many times… He’s “Uncle Aaron”!
Now, I know I’ve been a bridezilla in the past, and I’ve worked on it with my bridesmaids, but with my Fiance it’s different… We’re both kind of jerks to each other a lot. It’s the foundation of our relationship!! (it’s more like… we can be our true selves to each other, we don’t have to lie about things for fear of hurting each other’s feelings, whatever. He’s a troll and I’m a hater. It works.) So don’t worry about that aspect.
I think because Lilly is my 3 year old blood relative, she should be the flower girl. I suggested “OK, Camii can be one too, and she and Lilly can walk together down the aisle” but by then my Fiance was set on being a Broody McBroodface.
And frankly I don’t want that option either. I want my little Lilly walking down the aisle in her adorable flower girl dress by herself! My Fiance has a tiny family, and who the flower girl is won’t be important to them. Lilly being the flower girl isn’t just a big deal to me; but to my whole family (and I have a BIG family, it takes up most of the guest list) and I think letting Camii be a Jr bridesmaid is better anyway.
Post # 2
Is this really the hill you want to die on? Have two flower girls.
Post # 3
“Wow, Fiance. I didn’t realize this was so important to you. If you feel Camil is your family, she should absolutely be involved in our special day and I’m sorry if you felt I overlooked her. Would Camil prefer to be a flower girl or a junior bridesmaid?”
Make it Camil’s choice. If Camil, as a 13 year old, feels too old to be a flower girl then she gets to pick to be a junior bridesmaid. If she wants to be flower girl, she gets to be a flower girl. Also be sure to apologize – and mean it. Do not make this about who is ‘better’ to be flower girl. Do not make this about ‘blood’. Apologize for not valuing his input and recognizing Camil’s importance. Let your Fi know Camil WILL be IN the wedding. Let Camil choose in what capacity.
Post # 4
I’m guessing it’s about more than who is flower girl. That may have been the first thing he could think of when put on the spot during the conversation. Even if you aren’t shooting down his other suggestions, it sounds like he’s feeling excluded from the process and the planning overall.
Post # 5
You know how strongly you feel about Lily being the flower girl? He feels the same way about Cami. So why do your feelings matter more?
Post # 6
I get that you’re being humorous about the troll/hater, my-fiance-and-i-are-jerks thing, but that’s a HUGE red flag way more important than a flower girl.
That aside, he’s made it quite clear this is something that matters a lot to him. If my fiance was at the point where he felt it wasn’t even his wedding anymore because of my rejection of what he wanted, I’d be doing everything in my power to get him involved and listening to his ideas. You’re having such a huge reaction against it and frankly I’m just not getting the reasons why.
First off, you’re likely not even going to see her walk down the aisle, you’ll be behind her waiting to walk yourself. So you’re fighting for something you won’t even get to enjoy. Second, the reason she’s there isn’t just to look cute in a dress, is it? Cause then you’re just treating her like a prop, which is rather cruel. Last, I get the big family thing. But with big families I think its just the opposite, people get when they can’t be included because its tough to choose between such a wide array. Also, have people said they’ll be upset if anyone else tries to share the spotlight with the 3 year old? Or are you just guessing that it MIGHT upset them.
Post # 7
…yes. It is. I know this is terrible of me but it so is, I can’t believe I’m even saying it lol.
That is a good idea! And in the heat of the moment I don’t think to maybe say I’m sorry for him feeling excluded or ignored. I will apologize to him tonight if he’s willing to talk about it.
Y’see, that’s what’s throwing me off, because I’ve been trying to include him! His typical response is “it’s whatever you want, hun” so I’m thinking that Camii being the flower girl is a bigger deal I had originally thought. I don’t know if it’s just “I had -one- request and you shot it down” or it’s “Camii is super important to me and I want her as the flower girl”. and while I want to give in and be like “You’re right! it -IS- my day! LILLY IS THE FLOWER GIRL, GIVE ME BUILDINGS TO STOMP ON AND I’LL SHOOT RADIATION OUT MY MOUTH” I think I should find a solution first @[email protected]
Post # 8
If nothing else you both need to work on compromise and constructive solutions- or it could be an ummm…. fraught marriage.
Post # 9
ClaudiaKishi : Because Lilly is my actual niece, she’s not just someone I think of as family, she IS family. Camii is related to a family friend. Family is more important to me than it is to my Fiance, so I think that’s where the disconnect is.
abwcmo : I’m sneaking on while at work so sorry for delayed replies. Please don’t worry about the troll/hater thing, I just meant we are super attitudey and it’s OK, it’s just one aspect of our relationship. We tell each other “I love you” all the time and we never go to bed angry. Anyhoo, I’m trying to think about why I’m so adamant Lilly be the flower girl for the same reason I told Claudia… it’s a blood thing. Family is very important to me (apparently irrationally so) and I think Lilly having an actual relation to me puts her higher on the list. I’m at the point where I don’t get why y’all don’t think it’s a big deal. (however that doesn’t mean I’m not trying to understand so don’t get me wrong here)
Though you do mention I won’t even be SEEING any of this, which does hit a nerve… my Fiance will be the one watching the people, won’t he? I’ll be one of the people in the “Procession” I suppose (I know there’s another word for it)
point taken -__-
Post # 10
pardon if it comes off as I’m stalking my own thread… I AM.
but now the fact that I won’t even be seeing my own wedding has hit me.. I mean I’ll be seeing it, but the bridesmaids, the flower girl, etc. walking down the aisle is something I -won’t- see… so now I’m like “oh… well fuggit, whatever.”
My family still expects Lills to be the flower girl. I’ll talk to my Fiance about having them both go together, I think that will be a decent compromise, and maybe if he gets that, he’ll finally be approachable about the other stuff.
Post # 11
I just want to add given your last update- it is great your family is so close. But others are not as fortunate and at times the “family” you create means just as much if not more than the family you are born into. It sounds like that is the relationship your Fiance has with Cami
Post # 12
I second this. Blood relations are by chance – sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don’t. However, chosen “family” become family because of how important the person and relationship is to you. Camii is family to your Fiance by choice, Lily is family to you by chance. It doesn’t make one better than the other, just different.
Post # 13
Right, but just because you place more importance than he does on being blood/family, doesn’t mean that his feelings aren’t valid. So again, why are your feelings that blood trumps family friend more important than his feelings that family friends are just as important?
Post # 14
I suppose they aren’t… I keep circling back to “because it’s ACTUAL family!!”
Post # 15
Here is the thing…you don’t get to pick your blood relations. It’s super great that yours is awesome and your family values that so highly. But many have shitty families they happen to be born into – they didn’t choose that. Or just families they don’t get along with. For many of these people, the ones they choose to be like family ARE family. DNA is not the only measure of a family. This person is important to him and you’re being really judgmental and superior over her not having the proper DNA which is out of her control. I’m glad you’re willing to compromise and I hope you consider how important these relationships are to him in the future instead of discounting them based on DNA.