Flowers, and the lack thereof

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

This would upset me too bee. You have made it clear that it’s not about him spending money on you, it’s just about the tiniest bit of thought or effort. I know you have told him how much you would appreciate flowers, but now I would tell him how upset this is actually making you. And that it’s really the thought (or lack thereof) that counts. Have you told him that your dad used to do this for your mother?

And then start getting your own damn flowers until he wises up because life is short and you deserve to look at something pretty! Maybe that will help him take a hint. 

For what it’s worth, I absolutely love receiving flowers from DH which is probably why I also feel strongly about this! 

Post # 3
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I never thought I cared about flowers until I started recieving them from my Fiance. It’s not all the time but generally a couple times a year i’ll get a nice surprise and that’s plenty for me. I love giving surprise gifts too so it would really upset me if it didn’t go both ways. And it’s not like you’re asking for lavish bouquets of roses. He could pick up a bunch at the grocery store! His excuses are frustrating!

Post # 4
Member
3579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  I think you have to change your expectations at this point. I am completely in agreement that it isn’t a big deal for him to just get you some damn flowers once and awhile. It seems like it just genuinely doesn’t occur to him, he doesn’t understand that it is important, and he isn’t a gift kind of a guy. 

Come to terms with who your boyfriend is. You love him and he has many amazing qualities. He is lacking something that you expect from a partner because of the role your dad played, but it is not actually that important in the grand scheme of things. Surely there are also qualities you love about your boyfriend that you didnt grow up expecting of your “dream guy”.

I think it is time to take “gives me flowers” off of your subconscious (or real) list of traits you look for in a partner. He will NEVER meet that expectation. It is not who he is. You sound like you are starting to resent your partner, and it isn’t his fault. You set an expectation he doesn’t meet, and now you’re getting more and more frustrated with him for it. I’m sorry but that is ridiculous.

If you want flowers, buy them yourself. And do not do it passive aggressively! You have to let this expectation go, for the sake of your relationship. Buy your own flowers because you like flowers, not to make a point to your boyfriend that he has failed you.

Now I realize this isn’t actually about flowers. It is about your boyfriend showing you he loves you. Your father did that through flowers. Your boyfriend does it in other ways. Start looking for them. It has been three years. Accept your boyfriend for who he is, or find someone else. But you have to stop letting this flower issue be a thing. You can’t change him and your growing resentment is only going to grow bigger. Accept him or leave him, but move on from this.

Post # 5
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You first need to stop with the conflicting messages. Agreeing to “no gifts” then buying him a small gift anyway while secretly being disappointed that he didn’t buy you anything is just one big mixed message. And that makes all your other messages harder to interpret and take seriously. 

Then, explain very directly: I would like you to buy me flowers every now and then because it makes me feel loved. Acknowledge he’s not a gift-giver but explain to him that you value  a gift as an  affirmation of love, and you want to receive this kind of a gift now and then. 

Then ask him: what are the things you do when you want to show love? And be prepared to listen, because he probably has a dozen little acts and gestures that he does all the time to show you how he feels. 

You need to learn to truly appreciate the other ways he has of showing love, while he needs to learn to occasionally demonstrate love in the way that is most tangible to you. But you also both need to understand and accept that your ideas of showing love aren’t in alignment— which isn’t a big obstacle as long as you’re both aware and try to meet in the middle.  

Post # 6
Member
971 posts
Busy bee

I agree with lovelyruby :  . It was the first thing I thought when reading your post.

No, buying flowers is not something which requires a great deal of money, time or effort. Yes, it is a small thing to ask. But you need to realise that this is something you and your boyfriend fundamentally do not think the same way about. Think of something comparable. Imagine he asked you to start taking out the shirt that he was going to wear that day for him every day. It’s a small thing. Requires no money and very little effort. But personally, if it were me and my boyfriend asked me to do that, I’d probably say “no” or purposely start forgetting to do it. I just don’t see the point.

This is kind of how you need to see your boyfriend’s attitude towards flowers. For whatever reason, and they are probably reasons you don’t agree with or understand, he does not see the need to get you flowers to show you that he loves you. He would rather show it in other ways. He would probably find your feelings of being upset about it quite perplexing and frustrating.

So you have two options: you can either talk to him again, knowing that he will probably get them for you once or twice out of guilt and thereafter “forget” to do it. If you are lucky, he might “get it” later on down the line and just start doing it. Who knows. Or, you can learn to accept and love who your boyfriend is, and the way he shows love. Accept that this is one need he may not be able to meet and ask yourself if you can live with it and be happy without resenting him. (If he has enough qualities that I look for in a future husband, I know which option I’d choose.)

And yes, I agree, if you love flowers, buy them for yourself, lots of them 🙂

Post # 7
Bee
5287 posts
Bee Keeper

That’s pretty lame of him to say he was thinking of getting you flowers but then decided not to. That wouldn’t thrill me to be honest and would just make me angry upon further reflection. He’s never going to be the thoughtful gift-giving man you would like. You could put up a neon flowers sign and he’d find some reason to ignore it.

You have to decide if the rest of his qualities make up for his lack in this category.

Post # 8
Member
8983 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  I resent being told how I should show my love. Knowing what a loved one enjoys certainly factors in, but if something just doesn’t come naturally, doing it anyway feels like a chore rather than an act of love. One PP gave an example above, here are some more: what if he told you “My mom always made my dad’s coffee/clipped his toenails/bought him video games. It was so sweet. It would really mean a lot to me if you did that for me.” None of these are that hard or that expensive and if you’re down with it, would be wonderful ways to show love. But if you just aren’t into them for whatever reason, him bugging about it would probably make you less inclined to do it rather than more, right? Or maybe that’s just me.

My philosophy is that it’s better to find someone who naturally shows love in the way you want, rather than try to change someone whose ways of showing love aren’t acceptable or enough for you. If he puts an alarm on his phone to send flowers 4 times a year, will you be happy with that, or still upset because it’s not spontaneous? If he does it spontaneously but is pissy because he feels like you’ve nagged or guilted him into it, are you going to be happy? I recommend either recognizing the non-flower ways he shows his love, or finding a boyfriend who shows love with flowers.

Post # 9
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  can he get you a flowering plants so you can have flowers more often?

Post # 11
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I hate flowers and taking care of plants. But you love them and he’s being so lazy with a very simple and easy way to make you happy. I don’t know what else to say. :/

When I’m out, I always try to find tiramisu to bring home for my husband. I know he loves it and I like being able to let him try different versions to discover which one he likes most. It makes him happy, so that’s why I do it. Likewise, he knows I love food and will usually bring me back food if he’s out. This should be your husband and flowers for you.

Post # 12
Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee

Why dont you try just scaling back something he has asked you for within your relationship? Say he specifically likes a certain sex move, stop doing it. Pick 1 thing and stop. When he brings it up asking you to do it, just let him know it’s a two way street and if he wants to be able to request things within the relationship and get them, then he needs to be held to that standard also. It’s his choice. He can give you what you need and also get the thing he requests or neither of you will be getting those specific requests. 

 

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sugarsweetmagnolia :  

Post # 13
Member
1499 posts
Bumble bee

Flowers are just kind of like my family’s thing. I love them and they bring so much joy! I’ve made it very clear to my husband that I would love to receive them and how much I love them. He’s kind of an asshole about it and I’ve never once received flowers from him- we’ve been together over 7 years now. So I just buy my own flowers. It’s actually something that really is quite upsetting, but he shows his love in other ways. Maybe hint again, or just start spoiling yourself with some pretty flowers!

Post # 14
Member
8983 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
ladyjane123 :  Yes, because sex should be transactional and if you can weaponize it, even better. Completely healthy and not at all sociopathic. Are you married?

Post # 15
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

I’m probably going to be an outlier but it would bug the hell out of me to have someone try and dictate how I should show my love, when etc., Does he not show you how much he cares in a variety of other ways? If so, and fair warning for bluntness here, buy your own damn flowers. 🤷‍♀️ Not bc you want to nudge him into doing the same bc I find that approach a bit petty and don’t think it will yield results, but bc you like flowers. To me its not about a lack of thought or caring if I constantly request this one particular thing UNLESS the person I’m with doesn’t show their love and appreciation any other way. Sometimes you have to accept that people have their own ways of presenting their feelings.

And honestly at this point after being nagged about how much you want flowers how thoughtful or caring will the gesture be once he does get them? Not very.

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