Flowers, and the lack thereof

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
8219 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How does he show his love for you? You say in your op that he is not a gift giver and you’ve known this for 3 years. At what point do you accept him for who he is rather than trying to change him?

I see a few issues here, the first being that you seem to martyr yourself with how much YOU do for him, and the second being that you play games to try to trap him. That is incredibly manipulative and immature. 

Post # 17
Member
467 posts
Helper bee

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ladyjane123 :  Because passive aggressiveness and game playing are totally healthy for relationships.

Post # 18
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee

I love flowers and love having them. My husband will usually get them 2-3 times a month but they’re super cheap here. He knows I love it so actively makes the effort to get them for me and I am so appreciative. 

Post # 19
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee

I used it as an example of something she does that he specifically asks her to do. Could be any little item he specifically asks for that would be considered an extra. Not sex as a whole. Could be how she folds his jeans a certain way for him when she does laundry. It’s a pretty good way to bring up the conversation in a way he might understand better. Looks like her telling him point blank does nothing. But if she stops doing something he asks for and he then mentions it, she has a good moment to talk to him about it with an example he can easily understand. 

And your comment is super rude. Am I married? Let’s give you back some of that super adorable and mature sarcasm you dished out. Oh so I’m not entitled to an opinion about sex and relationships unless I’m married? Yeah that outdated idea that I can’t possibly know anything unless I’m married is completely normal and doesn’t at all come off like a know it all who is sociopathic. Are you HAPPILY MARRIED? would you like to cite for all of us how experienced you are to make those comments? 🙄🤣

 

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needmorewine :

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Daisy_Mae :  

Post # 20
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

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ladyjane123 :  I don’t think resorting to passive aggresive revenge will improve communication.

Post # 21
Member
9930 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t think pp saying ‘are you married’ was anything to do with actual marriage, it was a incredulous rhetorical question re the experience of anyone who ran the kind of transaction you suggested. 

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ladyjane123 :  

Post # 22
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

i love plants in general, so i buy myself one or two every once in a while and express deeply my affection for them to my husband every where we go and i find a cool one. it took a few failed attempts from him (sadly i shot him down) showing up w flowers and i had a wtf look on my face and said, “give them to your mom, shes into that sort of stuff….” ouch, he was hurt. the next time he showed up to my house and i then had to let him know i preffered plants with roots. on the third try he showed up on valentines to my house with flowers…. but when he saw my upset face he said they were for my mom lmao!  he  now knows never ever to buy me flowers if they do not come potted with roots. just my personal opinion. i dont see whats wrong with asking him to buy you flowers if you want them from him. my husband cant remember jack shit but making the point clear after a few tries he stopped buying flowers that were not potted. like hey it would be nice…… and continue to buy your own flowers. at the same time like hey she really likes flowers shes going out her way to buy her own. i wouldnt give up hope.  i personally do not like suprises. i take my husband to buy me my xmas gift i wrap it and pretend to be surprised. hell i even buy myself a gift and say its from santa.  

but yeah, get yourself some flowers girl!

Post # 23
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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ladyjane123 :  “Are you HAPPILY MARRIED? would you like to cite for all of us how experienced you are to make those comments?” — Since you ask, I’ve been happily married for over 20 years. I discovered wedding bee when I was planning a big wedding-like anniversary party several years ago. I stuck around because it seems like a lot of women here are unhappy in their relationships and because I had so much fun dating and have had such a happy successful marriage, I figured my experience and advice might be helpful.* I advise against using sex as bargaining tool.  

 

* Plus it’s fun to look at rings, dresses, and cakes.

Post # 24
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I do like flowers and will buy them myself sometimes from the supermarket etc. When you are married, there are lots of things to compromise on and real life gets in the way of romantic gestures etc. If flowers give you pleasure, then get them for yourself maybe? When I buy them, I think of it as flowers for our home and it’s not intended as a “message” to my husband that he should be buying them.

I also don’t place huge expectations on my hubsand to pick the perfect gift etc. In fact I basically pick my own gifts and then he gives them to me etc. I seriously doubt your husband is trying to be hurtful by not getting you flowers, it’s just not on his radar.

Post # 25
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sure your advice is often very helpful. So is advice from those who aren’t married. So stop implying that those not married are some how less then or must not know what they are talking about. That was what I think was rude and uncalled for. 

 

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Daisy_Mae :  

Post # 26
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I feel the same, I LOVE getting flowers or other little things like that.  Even if they didn’t spend spend a dime.  My husband knows this but always forgets and it’s very frusterating

Post # 27
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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ladyjane123 :  I was specifically asking you so that I could better understand your perspective in giving that particular advice. I wasn’t implying anything about anyone and don’t want to derail the OP’s thread any more.

Post # 28
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee

🙄 because you had to “understand” my perspective? Whatever. It clearly was a, your perspective is only valid if you have marriage experience. I’m done. 

 

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Daisy_Mae :  

Post # 29
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

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ladyjane123 : 

“So stop implying that those not married are some how less then or must not know what they are talking about.”

She wasn’t implying anything of the sort. I think what she was implying is that anyone who is married or has been married and who has considered or tried those tactics will tell you that they don’t work and only serve to escalate something small into an argument and create a tit-for-tat dynamic in a relationship which is very unhealthy.

When one marries, what we do should come out of love – love for self, love for the other. When the two of you don’t see eye to eye, communicate and compromise. Withholding love for your partner as a teaching point flies in the face of these values. If your boyfriend won’t get you flowers despite you asking or explaining to him how much you like them, you might have to accept that he will never get you flowers… or find another boyfriend. The solution is not to up the ante and take away something he loves. This smacks of trying to change a man and forcing him to see your point of view. Sometimes people just don’t agree. It’s allowed.

Post # 30
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

I know how you’re feeling! I’ve been experiencing the exact same thing. It’s not like he doesn’t show me how mucj she loves me but this girl needs some nice flowers time to time. I found myself almost begging for flowers from my fiance. He told me he wouldn’t buy unless I’d forget about them and will be surprised when receive.

Inside my head, I was like “how dafuq am I gonna forget that I didn’t receive any bouquets in like….. forever?” 

Right now I’m sipping my peppermint tea sniffing my huge bouquet! Aaaah I’m so happy. I had a stressful day at work, and he surprised me by coming to pick me up, and there were the flowers he’d been hiding behind him. Aww. I had totally forgotten and were absolutely thrilled!

I hope your SO will surprise you somehow like this because it feels hella good!

Here are the flowers eheh. 

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