Flowers, and the lack thereof

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
46 posts

Gosh. I read this post and thought “wow, this is my relationship!”. My partner and I have completely different love languages. I am always trying to make him do things that I feel I need to be happy, that the way I like to be shown love is important to me and I feel insecure thst he doesn’t take it on board and try to do things I like, express his love in the same way I do etc. 

I read your post and was completely on your side and upset for you. Then I read the comments and I feel like an actual piece of shit haha. I think I need to check myself. 

Post # 32
1282 posts
Bumble bee

I find that most people fall into one of 2 sides of the “flowers” camp — those that love to give and receive them, and those that think flowers are a waste of money.

I fall in the first.  I love flowers.  Yes, they die after a week, but I smile every time I look at a bouquet.

My husband falls in the second camp.  Flowers aren’t exactly cheap for what you’re getting since they don’t last that long.  And I knew that’s how he was before I started dating him as we were friends for years first.  He had a prior relationship where his girlfriend always wanted flowers.  So he would oblige occassionally to make her happy, but it never was enough.  First she would get upset that it wasn’t spontaneous (she had to “remind” him she wanted flowers), then she was picky about the type of flowers she got.  He felt like he could never win and did start to resent being told how he had to “prove” his affection.

I accept that he isn’t into flowers and I just buy them myself.  He shows him love in many other ways.  I think we set ourselves up for failure when we expect others to act how we would.  OP, you mention if you knew your SO wanted him shirts laid out that you would.  Well, many people don’t think that way and just want to show their love without being told how to.

If this is really a dealbreaker, then maybe you need to rethink your wants vs needs.  I wouldn’t throw away a great relationship over differences in gift giving, and I don’t think it’s something that should build resentment.

As an aside, I knew a couple where the guy was a complete douche bag and was constantly cheating on his wife.  He always bought her flowers when he was feeling guilty (she made that connection later; she thought he was just showing his love).  So just because someone is a big gift giver doesn’t mean he or she is being genuine.

Post # 33
4677 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

DH used to buy me flowers randomly – maybe once a year or so – but then money got tight and even though we are back to two incomes now, I haven’t recieved flowers for a few years. As much as I like them (and the physical sign that he thought of me), I’m okay with that. 

The reason I’m okay with not getting flowers or other “just because” gifts is because, for example, I came out this morning to find my car already had the frost scraped off the windows. DH shows love via acts of service and once I learned to recognize that, I started to appreciate how he loved me. Is it possible that your SO shows love in a non-gift way, as well? if you can figure out how he is “saying” he loves you, then you might find the flowers matter a bit less. 

In the meantime, I like your idea of buying yourself flowers – as long as you are not goign to be disappointed if he doesn’t starting buying them because you did. 

Post # 34
462 posts
Helper bee

I usually get potted plants from my FH. Like succulents, orchids, bamboo. LOL.

I don’t care too much about flowers but I know if I did… I would just tell my guy straight up I WANT THIS. Or get this for me. Just bluntly tell him what I want. And he would do exactly that. So maybe its time to just speak up and say that you have been hinting but you aren’t anymore… “Get me these”.

Call me spoiled. I don’t care. But works for me and I don’t even like getting gifts. I want my guy to do things for me and him to ask me for what he wants. *Note we are far enough in to our relationship that isn’t necessary to say anything often but just in case it were I would just tell him!

Post # 35
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I don’t think your “love language” gives you a free pass to keep being thoughtless of what your loved ones appreciate. The whole point is that other people will often times like other things. No, we can’t make anyone do or be what we want, but the most of us have already changed and learned that we need to be considerate outside of ourselves.

I am not a naturally physically affectionate person. Is it okay if I never want to hold hands and get tired of always being against him on the couch just because it’s not how I show I care? Uh, no, to me that’s unacceptable, but that’s how I felt 10 years ago. Lol So, I’ve learned to be more affectionate and to be more comfortable with it over the years.

OP, I guess if he’s ethically against purchasing flowers and this is the only issue in your relationship, maybe you can get him to pick a preserved flower piece for you? Fleurs D’épargne has good deals, sometimes exclusive to instagram.

Post # 36
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If my partner told me some small token of affection was a really big deal for them… I’d get them that token.  There’s something incredibly selfish and mean-spirited about saying “no” to a fairly traditional and inexpensive gift that means a HUGE deal to my partner.  Especially since birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, celebrations, apologies, are sprinkled throughout the year.  

Where I’m from, you can grab a pretty bouqet from lots of stores for $13 or less.  You didn’t set up an unreasonable expectation for your boyfriend. You articulated a fairly simple, earnest, desire that is extremely meaningful for you.  He is chosing to ignore it.  You aren’t telling him how to express his emotion. You’ve told him what has emotional resonance for you.  I’d be pissed and annoyed, too. 

Post # 37
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My fiance is the same way! I made it very clear to him how much I love flowers and would love to get them from him. In my last relationship (and many previous ones) I got flowers regularly and loved it. He always has aknowledged it when I’ve mentioned to him, but still Ive never gotten so much as a single rose from him. I dont get it. I finally started buying myself flowers a couple months ago. I get them every 1-2 weeks for our table. My fiance is more of an experience gifter so he’ll surprise me with weekend vacations or concert tickets and Ive just had to accept that if I want flowers I can buy them for myself. I’ll update you if that ever changes.

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