(Closed) FMIL & the Holidays … ugh …

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

The two of you are now a family. He needs to be spending the holidays with you regardless of who the two of you spend it with. Do your families live close enough that you could celebrate with both of them? Are you able to host the holidays and have her come over to your house with your family?

Post # 4
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Im very sorry for what your Mother-In-Law is dealing with…however this behavior should not be enabled. She should be dealt with with compassion certainly, but you need to talk to your husband and figure out a way for him to deal with this. You should not be expected to give up spending the holidays together as a family, along with your extended family!

It’s ultimately your husband’s responsibility to communicate with his mother about this.

Post # 6
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Stace126: Ugh Im so sorry. Since you have tried dealing with this in so many ways, I would suggest maybe having your husband take your Mother-In-Law for some counseling sessions to talk this out.

If she is still unwilling to do this, then you and your husband need to face that you cannot change her, but can only change your reactions/manner of dealing with her.

Obviously this will be very difficult for your husband. I think he owes it to you though, at some point, to detach emotionally from his mother because you are his wife.

Now, as I write that…I do realize that thats his mother and he lost his father…this is difficult. But I think he needs to draw the line with her and detach (if she is unwilling to go to counseling) because if your family welcomes her into their home and she keeps refusing…well, then it is her choice to be alone.

 

Post # 7
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

The fact is he is a grown man, and she can’t make him do anything.  If he wants to spend the holidays with your family then he needs to man up and stop allowing her to control him.  You do have another option, he can turn off his phone and choose to engage with your family.  He does not have to be co-dependent.  He can choose to not to play her games.

Post # 8
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Update?

Post # 9
Member
1395 posts
Bumble bee

I know that losing a loved one at the holiday time forever leaves a twinge of sadness, but it is absolutely necessary for people move on and live their lives in honor of the ones they’ve lost.  I feel like your Future Mother-In-Law is being sort of emotionally abusive towards your Fiance, to be totally honest.  She refuses to live her life and be happy, so she refuses to let him do that for himself.  I wonder how she acted at the news he was engaged?  I would not be able to put up with Fiance not being with me at my family functions on the holidays.  We’re trying to work out scheduling kinks, but we both plan to be together with BOTH of our families on those days.  If I were you, I’d tell my Fiance that you’ll go to his mom’s and have a Thanksgiving lunch, then you’re going to your family’s house TOGETHER.  If he has to turn his phone off, oh well.  You’re gonna have to be persistant and firm with her.  That’s the bottom line.  He’s going to have to stand up and be a man and just leave her there.  It might be “sad” but he’s too young to live in misery until she dies.

Post # 10
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

First, I will say that I can’t imagine the thought of losing the love of my life… especially on a holiday. Holy cow, that had to be really hard.

I understand her behavior in the sense that she is clinging to her son. She sees him as the only person left that is really close to her… and I’m sure she sees his dad in him, which means having him around at the holiday is the next best thing.

It stinks that she’s so adamant to not go out and spend time with others. She must be hurting deeply and probably living in denial that any of this behavior is not normal. It sounds like she needs someone to help her get through this.. I’m sure it’s not something that comes easily. Denial is a tough beast, too… when you don’t realize that you aren’t being rational and that you’re clinging to someone to fill a void, that damages a lot.

I truly feel for you as well. I would be so distraught not being able to enjoy the holidays with my Fiance. I would like to say I would be understanding if I were facing a similar situation, but I’m sure I would feel a lot like you are feeling now.

Your Fiance should seriously talk to his mom about how this is hurting him. If he already has, and it seems like you’ve exhausted all efforts, then I’m stumped. I would just say to give her the cold shoulder as a wake up call.. but I hate that thought. She’s not emotionally in the right place to deal with any abandonment from him.

Post # 12
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

Nothing you or your fiance can do right now will make her feel better. You can’t rationlize with an irrational person and her depression is making her irrational.

The only thing you can do is set some rules, and stick to them. Go to her place in the morning for the holidays and then to your parents (and of course invite her to come). She will probably act like a 3 year old and screem and cry and throw her “poor me” temper tantrum, but you cant let her manipulation affect your family traditions and holidays.

Unless she wants help, its going to be really tough to get her help. Does she have any friends? Can you arrange an intervention of sorts (after all the holidays) asking her to see a therapist because all she is doing is creating her own reality.

She is afraid to be alone, but she is pushing the few people left in her life away so that she will be alone. And the way to prevent this is to seek treatment. You need to tell her this. And keep repeating it every time she throws a tantrum

Post # 14
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

She is clearly suffering from depression. I would strongly suggest you get in touch with the support services in your area for mental health. There are experts who can both help you help her and help you help yourselves. You and your Fiance don’t need to go at this alone.

The topic ‘FMIL & the Holidays … ugh …’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors