(Closed) FMIL acts like I don't exist/doesn't like me?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

It won’t get any better. My grandma, my dad’s mom, despises my mom for no apparent reason. My mom is really nice to her, bought her a plane ticket to visit us but nothing she does is good enough. One time my mom answered a phone call from my grandma and she had the nerve to start yelling at my mom, didn’t let her speak then promptly hung up. It was so weird. By the way, my parents have been married for almost 40 years and my grandma is 90. Some people will continue to be nasty until the day they die. 

You didn’t do anything just like my mom didn’t rod anything. She just plain don’t like you which is stupid and petty. Stand up for yourself and don’t let walk all over you. In my mom’s case it made my grandma hate her more when my mom just took my grandma’s abuse. I don’t mean be disrespectful, there’s a way to firmly stand up for yourself and be polite. Also continue trying to exchange pleasantries with her. She may not like you but she should at least respect you. 

Post # 17
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Two things maybe happening.  As someone who is painfully shy but cordial I come off as cold and as “I’m above them” or “I don’t like them but am just being nice.”  Once people know me they realize I’m just aloof and shy but am a warm and genuine person once I know them.  This could’ve the case but not always.  My gmil did not like me at all in the beginning.  My husband was her precious little boy and she surely wanted him to be with a model gf/wife.  That’s one thing people don’t get about mil they think it’s about not letting go of their “boy” but it’s the opposite.  As females they know the shitty work some women are and they don’t want them to end up with those type of women… And boy do they get it wrong at times.  In search of the “perfect wife” they fail to see the diamond peeking through.  This is what happened to my gmil and it didn’t help that I moved across the country uprooting him from his family.  Despite all of this I remained cordial, friendly, and I showed through actions how much I appreciated and loved my husband.  They, with time, saw husband was happy and he was in a great position because I didn’t “drag him down.”

I would thus be kind and considerate and always treat your husband with the utmost respect.  You know she sometimes wants to have some time alone with your so, so instead of being prompted take the initiative and say hey I’m going to go grab some wine at the store I’ll see you guys in a bit.  You can also offer to do things with her, especially a hobby she likes, to try to open the doors of communication.  But if none of this works because she is just a negative person, understand that is her.  Be above her and show your so how much you are a peacekeeper and friendly person, he will see the situation as it is and back you up because he sees you are not causing anything to make her treat you poorly.  the only case I would advocate you calling down in her behavior is if she says something completely uncalled for (derogatory/racist terms or saying things such as you cheated/will cheat on so).  Then be firm but calm (don’t give her ammo let her shoot herself in the foot) and hopefully your husband will take your side and call her out.

Remember you can’t get people to like you but with time truths and perception align themselves and others will see the situation for what it is.

Post # 18
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I know you said your BF stands up for you, but has he ever explicitly told his mom, “Either you respect gf and be cordial to her, or you will not see us” ?

I’m also a quiet, reserved person and have been told I come off as snobby, cold, etc even when I think I’m being super friendly. People will always have a different view/perspective of you than you have of yourself. 

Post # 19
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yeah, like 

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mrshmc1204 has said, has your SO actually said something to her? My Future Mother-In-Law was the same way with me and wanted nothing to do with me. My Fiance is the baby of the family and they are super close. She didn’t want to meet me or have me be a part of their family gatherings. We had been dating for almost a year when FI’s sister got married and Fiance wanted to bring me to the wedding and even offered to pay for my plate. His mom and sister got so mad and said no they didn’t want me there at a family event. He finally just said to them that if they didn’t get to know me and at least act welcoming & respect me that they would never see him again. He said he planned on marrying me some day and if they wanted to be a part of his life and his future childrens lives that they had to change the way they were acting real quick. His mom finally changed her ways and eventually we became pretty close. She apologized to me and said that she was nervous because she saw how her son looked at me and she didn’t want me hurting him. His sister is another story. She is just crazy…

Post # 20
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

He’s done the diplomatic approach. Now I think your BF needs to make it clear that he will not engage with crazy. 

She either needs to be polite or you’ll stop seeing her (that’s bothbof you – don’t entertain the idea of him staying in touch on his own). In the meantime be as nice and polite as possible. You can’t deal with crazy. 

Post # 21
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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penguinally:  

I have a nasty Mother-In-Law too. Most people think that she is mentally ill. Sometimes she can be very thoughtful but she is mostly mean and jealous. I’m happy that my husband stands up for me and we live so far away. 

I can certainly appreciate why you are hurt but at least your fiance doesn’t tolerate his mother’s behavior. Your FML (See what I did there? ) clearly has a hard time letting go but it doesn’t excuse her hateful bullshit.

My experience has been that people do not change unless they make an effort and most older people become set in their ways. I hate to say it but your FML is not likely to become warmer and more caring. She might even get worse once you start planning your wedding and after you get married. You and your fiance are handling things well. Keep being a united front and have your fiance set boundaries.

My husband and I have not visited his family in years. He doesn’t want to see them because there is always some kind of drama. When we finally visit again, we will not stay with my in-laws because my Mother-In-Law is just too rude. 

Sorry that you’re going through this. Some MILs are cruel old biddies who don’t know how to be polite just because they feel sad that they are “losing” their sons. 

Post # 22
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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mrshmc1204:  

My husband is also quiet and reserved. Sometimes people will ask me if he dislikes them and I have to explain that he is just very shy and introverted. You’re not alone. 

Post # 23
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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Ettalie:  

I don’t understand why the OP should cater to someone who has been so mean to her. 

She has the right to be around her fiance as much as she wants. I think partners come before parents. 

I am kind and polite to my Mother-In-Law but I refuse to kiss up to her because I’m no longer interested in trying to be her friend. 

Post # 24
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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penguinally:  Seriously, do we have the same MIL?! Mine is exactly like this! Only difference is I’ve never met mine due to my husband being military. We got married a little sooner than we planned then moved to a different state. I can’t offer much advice, but I can tell you I know exactly how you feel. 

While my husband was in training she made a visit to my hometown to visit her other son (my BIL) and meet me. I told her she was welcome at my house (with my parents permission) and she got kinda offended that I offered because “she didn’t know me from Adam”. I didn’t know what to say. I thought I was being a sweet southern hostess by offering. I asked for a time and she said she didn’t know how late she’d sleep. I took off work, and she texted me a time to meet. I called at that time and nothing. She blew me off and didn’t contact with me until late that night. I told her the next day I had time in between jobs and she never responded. I did find out later (through my mom) that Mother-In-Law felt she could meet BILs gf (who has a history of hating me), but not take the time to meet me, her only DIL. I was livid. Recently she invited herself over to my house for a whole week along with her new husband and parents. I told her she couldn’t because we would be very busy during that time and not even be in town three of the weekends in the month she wanted to visit. She swore to me my husband invited them, which I knew wasn’t true. Then she contacted my husband asking why I was being that way and complaining that we spend more time with my parents. My husband told her we had plans the weekend she wanted to visit and her response was “With HER family? Well, you are just always with her and her parents” My parents are also a lot closer and way easier to get along with. Mother-In-Law drinks and smokes a lot and is REALLY country. She’s also very opinionated. 

It’s so funny how similar our situations are lol. I’m the same as you. I’m pretty laid back and reserved. Pretty quiet and am a private person. I try to be welcoming and converse of course with other people, but I’m so scared for her visit (thank god she changed the dates of it). My family welcomes my husband with open arms and he’s told me he feels much better around my family than his. He’s also the same way with his mom. He knows she’s kind of crazy and doesn’t like to talk to her. He’s on my side, but he also doesn’t like to start drama with her so he tried be on my side, but be neutral at the same time. Oh Mother-In-Law is also one of those “No one can replace a mom” people and thinks I’m below her, because we don’t have kids, like she’s a better woman than me. She also likes to worry my husband and uses his poor grandparents, she uses their old age to guilt him. 

Sorry I don’t have much advice, especially since I haven’t even met my Mother-In-Law in person yet. 🙁 I’m very worried she is going to straight laugh at me because we are so different. I didn’t have many friends growing up and everyone in my family gets along so the way she acts is just so bizarre to me, I’m deff not used to it. But I can relate. We just got to hang in there. At least our husbands are on our side 🙂

Post # 25
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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mrswhitecat:  sometimes by offering honey you get more than with vinegar.  Why is it a competition in how long or priviledge of always staying with your husband?  It shows more confidence and strength of character that you don’t need to be around him all the time and it shows to the mil that you are not threatened by her need to be alone with her son, and with that she either looses power  or realizes that there is no power struggle.  Power is gained when someone participates in the struggle.  I think that a few min hardly construes as a need to exhibit strength and unity.  Again this is what I did with my inlaw and now we have a good relationship.  It might not work but it’s worth the try if you want to have a good relationship With he inlaws.  By that one must realize that a persons fear, as irrational as it may seem can be acknowledged and worked with; or you can fight it and get nowhere except resentment.

As for mean, she has been cold and rude but not mean.  Trust me I’ve heard s whole lot worse including name calling which does not seem to be the case For the other person.

 

Post # 27
Member
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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penguinally:  welcome to the bee!! There probably won’t be a quick fix but maybe your boyfriend needs to ask his mother how she plans on treating  if you end up having her grandchildren. At the moment she’s heading on a one way ticket to not coming to the wedding or seeing her grandchildre. I agree with PP about trying to be overly nice with her. This could work but it will be VERY hard for you as someone who isn’t comfortable talking in easy situations. Worth a try though? 

Post # 28
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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penguinally:  Don’t worry I totally get where you’re coming from. But you’re right – you can’t change how she feels about you becuse she’s clearly made up her mind.

Sit back, relax with a glass of wine and watch her get more and more irritated that there’s nothing she can complain about.

Post # 29
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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applepie15:  wow. Your Mother-In-Law sounds scary. Stalking is not cool. That is out of line. Hope it gets better. 

Post # 30
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

 

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penguinally:  sorry you have had a tough time. Either it will get better or you will get stronger from it. Either way…you will rise above it all despite you Future Mother-In-Law and her petty ways.

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