FMIL added guests, now isn't covering rehersal dinner

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 32
11458 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

kristi800 :   By all objective etiquette standards, I’m sorry, but she was not rude. The rehearsal dinner is not “your wedding”. You are hosting the wedding and get full control over that.

If she’s hosting the Rehearsal Dinner, then you are the guest of honor, not the host. The kind of details you are talking about were entirely up to her unless she solicited your opinion, which she did not. If you wanted to have that kind of control, you should have been hosting and paying. You were out of line.

You keep arguing that you would never have allowed those eighteen guests if you knew you would have to fund your own Rehearsal Dinner, but this is a problem of your own making. 

Post # 33
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

You have to take responsibility for the choice that you made to add these people to your guest list. It is YOUR guest list, you are the ones who will look like assh*les if you don’t follow up on these save the dates with invites, not to mention you’ll totally escalate the conflict with your Future Mother-In-Law. Right now it is just a small misunderstanding, if you tell her, “We cut all your guests because you wouldn’t pay for the rehearsal dinner we wanted,” it’ll be a huge deal.

Post # 34
3491 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

kristi800 :  Thats not what I meant. I’m saying you assumed that there was an agreement between the two of you that bc she hosted the dinner her extra guests were ok. There was no such agreement. So you agreed to the extra guests when that should have been a flat out no or an agreement with specific terms included. Her hosting the dinner and you agreeing to the extras are separate issues.

Post # 35
10651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

Just curious, and this doesn’t help the situation (sorry) but why send Save-The-Date Cards to people you aren’t close to?

Post # 37
355 posts
Helper bee

kristi800 :  it will definitely cause issues with your Future Mother-In-Law if you don’t invite her friends, but I did not realize when I posted before that it will push you over budget and ive changed my mind after seeingvyour updates. Will you seem petty for not inviting them? Yes. Will your Future Mother-In-Law be pissed? Yes. The big question here is, how much do you care about that?

My Fiance and I have agreed to stick to our budget and not go over for any reason. We definitely wouldn’t invite total strangers if it meant going over budget. its bad etiquette to not invite guests that received a STD. But it’s also bad etiquette not to have a dinner if you have a rehearsal, and the people at your rehearsal dinner are the ones neatest and dearest to you.

Drop the 18 strangers from your guest list, plan an amazing rehearsal dinner, and keep a united front up with your Fiance when his mom pitches a fit. This can also show her that her actions have consequences. She offered to pay for the dinner and when she had an issue she just cancelled on y’all instead of discussing it like an adult. That is rude. She also only speaks to you through your Fiance. This might strain your relationship even more for a long time, but not allowing her passive aggressive tendencies to win out will send the right message.

Post # 38
152 posts
Blushing bee

peridot456 :  What does it matter to look like assholes to people you don’t know? Normally I’m a stickler for ettiquette but if she’s never met these poeole, and it’s not likely she will later then who gives a crap? In all likelyhood they got the invitation and took a while to figure out who these people getting married were. 

Unless you know the 18 people, or live in a small town, or you or your FH may work for them some day, cut them off the list.

Post # 39
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

beemyhandsome :  Because it’s not nice to uninvite people from a party? If it were me, I would rather just smooth things over with Future Mother-In-Law and let her pay for the Rehearsal Dinner & do whatever she wanted.

Look, I get that OP doesn’t like her Future Mother-In-Law, but there’s something to be said for just trying to get along, even if it means having a summery Rehearsal Dinner at a wintery wedding. That’s not the worst thing in the world.

Post # 40
5745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you should speak with your Fiance about what the changes in Rehearsal Dinner plans does to your budget and what he thinks the two of you should do. I have a feeling that if he were to mention to his mother, on the way by, that her not paying for the rehearsal dinner at the last minute AND the addition of her 18 guests to the list puts you two over your budget and you two,  together, are figuring out a workable solution, then she might suddenly have some suggestions. At the very least, if you do decide to leave her guests’ invites off the mailing list, she won’t be confused about why.

Post # 41
210 posts
Helper bee

Personally, I wouldn’t send the 18 invites, but it all depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with your Future Mother-In-Law from here on out. 

Post # 42
629 posts
Busy bee

kristi800 :  Yeah, you still have to invite them.

Sounds like they did offer to host a Rehearsal Dinner but you turned down the offer. I think you have to either accept the BBQ offer or fund it yourselves.

Post # 43
3253 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t send the invites to the 18 guests Mother-In-Law requested (demanded?). You sent Save-The-Date Cards, not invites. Yes, it is rude to not send invites. But you’re paying for the wedding and personally I wouldn’t put myself in debt or over budget, especially with 4 children to worry about, to people please. But you should not have agreed to do that in the first place. Unless she was covering the cost of their plates, I don’t see why she got a say in the guest list at all. Especially to that extent. Further, I suspect you have deeper issues with your Future Mother-In-Law which will continue to cause you problems down the line if you and Fiance do not get on the same page.

Post # 44
1819 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would clarify with her. Sounds like she said she’s taking a backseat on planning it, not on paying for it. 

I guess technically the grooms family is supposed to host the Rehearsal Dinner, so you really should let her host whatever she wants. Maybe have Fiance tell her to host whatever she wants, she’s paying for it, and keep your nose out of it – even if it’s not your style. 

If she refuses – saying its up to you guys now, I would be inclined to ‘lose’ the list of her guests too. If she’s going to be bitchy, two can play at that game (of course, my Mother-In-Law lives in Australia – so I don’t have to deal with her. If yours lives closer you’ll need to evaluate how this will affect future relations, and if you care). 

Post # 45
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

People are giving you a hard time, OP, but I feel for you. Maybe you should have just quietly agreed to a summery BBQ Rehearsal Dinner. But you didn’t, and with 4 children, you should NOT be going over budget on your wedding in order to host strangers!

I would give her fair warning about the potential for cutting her guests. Calculate the cost of a Rehearsal Dinner, estimate how many guests you have to cut, and then have Fiance tell her that you’re sorry but due to changes in the budget, you’re going to have to reduce the guest list by X number.

You don’t have to cut all 18, necessarily. If you want to be nice about it, you could tell her that you’re going to have to cut, for example, 14 of her guests, and let her choose which 4 still get invited, so that she could still have her closest friends with her to witness your wedding. If she still wants all 18, perhaps she would offer to pay for them.

But you really, really need Fiance to be on the same page as you. Will he support you? It is weird to me that he agreed to the 18 extra guests without even consulting you. Are you guys typically not on the same page when it comes to finances?

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