FMIL added guests, now isn't covering rehersal dinner

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 92
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

This should be your FI’s problem to solve not yours, seeing as he wanted and agreed to this stuff. I would tell him unless she specifically speaks to you properly, she gets no input on anything. 

Post # 93
Member
668 posts
Busy bee

I read this whole thread and the bees are being way harsh. You are not being unreasonable/petty/etc. Re: the Rehearsal Dinner conversation at the hotel, it sounds like you were simply trying to have an open discussion when she asked your opinion and then she proceeded to throw a hissy fit when you didn’t just let her take control. Who the hell suggests a pool party in the dead of winter when your wedding is clearly the exactly opposite, anyways?
Agreements don’t always need to be 100% crystal clear in situations like those, though I imagine it’s a big lesson learned especially when it comes to your Future Mother-In-Law. It’s reasonable that you thought, “well, I’m inviting her 18 guests and she offered to pay the Rehearsal Dinner so it’s basically a trade-off.” I would have thought the same thing! You are not in the wrong and it’s great that you have another family member (FSIL) that you can navigate this super cray cray Future Mother-In-Law with!
Also, don’t send the invites. Sucking it up and inviting those 18 guests isn’t going to smooth things over with your Future Mother-In-Law. Etiquette be damned. Good luck, bee!

Post # 94
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

kristi800 :  I have no idea if Future Mother-In-Law is otherwise manipulative but I don’t see the events described in this thread as an attempt by Future Mother-In-Law to control. If anything, you’re the one who felt the need to be overly involved in a low key dinner you weren’t even supposed to be hosting, because you are “winter people.”

It isn’t very fair or kind to talk behind FMIL’s back with your Future Sister-In-Law. Keep in mind there are two sides to every story and if it gets back to Fiance or his family it may come back to bite you. 

Post # 95
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

kristi800 :  “I didn’t assume she’d pay for Rehearsal Dinner.  she said she would, and because of that, I agreed to thise extra guests.”

 

BUT… you didn’t TELL HER.  You didn’t say SINCE you are paying for the Rehearsal Dinner THEN I am paying for the guests.  At the end of the day no one decision has nothing to do with the other.  Invite the guests or not, but it’s all on you, not her, and she’ll be mad and further insulted.  You cannot have an agreement in which one party wasn’t even aware that there was an agreement.  You’re trying to shift the fallout of not inviting the guests on her instead of where it lies with you.

Post # 96
Member
2140 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s bizarre to me that your FH lets his mum do this, doesn’t help you, and makes life more difficult by not passing on communication. Needs to grow a pair. 

You need to talk to your Mother-In-Law and apologise for being a bridezilla (yes, you were. Mother-In-Law was going to host an event for you and you turned your nose up at her theming and styling), and explain that you can’t afford to pay for her 18 guests. Maybe you can come to a comporomise, or pay 50/50 or something. Not inviting them now IS rude, and it only reflects badly on you. Further, what kind of relationship do you want with this woman, seriously? Because sending her friends Save-The-Date Cards and then not inviting them isn’t the best start. 

Post # 97
Member
2140 posts
Buzzing bee

xo_futuremrsbear :  Agreements do need to be crystal clear when you’re talking about money you can’t afford. If it was over $100, sure. But the OP is unhappy with the extra cost, so should have made damn sure everyone was on the same page to begin with. 

Also, if the bride wants control of the Rehearsal Dinner, bride pays. The Rehearsal Dinner isn’t a reflection of the wedding, it doesn’t need to match, or ‘go’ with the wedding. A little bit of graciousness and appreciation goes a long way.

Post # 100
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

 

I mean this as constructive criticism, but based on what happened I’m having trouble understanding why you are so angry with her. I get that you didn’t like her rehearsal dinner proposal, but it seems like something you should graciously decline and shrug off, or accept if you do want it funded. 

Based on what you said, she was pretty clear: she offered a specific rehearsal dinner, you declined it, and she accepted that and decided to take a back seat. You then said that “everything is always very vague with her,” and that you find her controlling, manipulative, and she acts like nothing your Fsil does is right. That description doesn’t seem to match the “offense” — which is really just offering a dinner that you didn’t think was right.

It kind of seems like you’re digging in against her, and I think you’ll be happier if you take another approach.

Post # 101
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I feel for you in this situation.  I would get some pizzas or subs, something cheap but nice, and call it a day.  Pay for your own darn rehearsal dinner and never let her take the reins of something like that again. 

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