(Closed) FMIL and dress shopping/wedding budget problems

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
46383 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I suggest clear communication. I would say” I really want  to include you in the wedding planning and have you with me for things like dress shopping and tastings. We have set our budget and are comfortable with it. It takes away my joy when you comment on the cost of everything. I’m asking you not to do that. We, as a couple, will ensure that we stick to our budget. I would like to be able to include you in these events, so please, no more comments about the cost.”

Post # 4
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Honestly I had to exclude my Future Mother-In-Law from a lot of that stuff for that reason.  My parents are paying for everything reception related and I am paying for dress, cake, etc.  Future Mother-In-Law always complains that we are spending too much money and will make comments to Fiance about me being “Spoiled” if she finds out that something cost a lot.  I finally just had to have her stop attending a lot of the planning events, etc.

I hope it works out better with your Future Mother-In-Law, but mine just cannot keep her mouth shut about cost.

Post # 5
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would invite her to SOME of the things.  Like maybe the first time you go dress shopping(when you don’t expect to buy anything) or the final fitting.  haha

Invite her to things where the decisions are already made and you are just finalizing the details.  To tour the venue to figure out table spacing, etc.  That way she feels involved but her opinion will really do nothing since contracts are already signed.

In the process of planning I have a little catchphrase that my Fiance has finally figured out means I don’t like that idea.  They tell me their idea and I say “That is a great idea.  Let’s put it on the shelf to discuss later.”  Of course the discussion later never happens but at least they got to air their opinion and I got to veto it.  Or use the vision one where I say “I really like that idea, but it is not really part of the vision that I am trying to pull off, but I wish that it did because its a great idea!”  Good ol’ compliment sandwich.  Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@baletrina: are you from the South;)   My granny had some doozers– “well isnt that lovely but not quite what I have in mind” -was my favorite

Post # 9
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

regarding budget- since you are not going to pull out the black amex card the first time- tell the shop- ” no more than x” and then dont worry about it.  They will push the range- cuz they seem to do that- but then its on them- and not you- in your fmil eyes

Post # 10
Member
46 posts
Newbee

@prettiestpink:  Great suggestions thus far!  I do have to admit, I have to bite my tongue with the “cost” aspect in my FDIL & son’s planning.  The difference is we are helping them out a little bit. 

So – I completely agree and do understand where your Future Mother-In-Law is coming from.  I 100% completely get/understand AND AGREE with you that it IS your money, you saved it, the wedding is what you want to spend YOUR money on.  I don’t ask for my kids permission on what I spend money I earned on… LOL!

May I suggest, you look at it from her point of view?  I’m not saying agree with her, but perhaps in some way “acknowledge” what she is feeling?  We MIL’s and FIL’s (and MOB/FOB’s) have lived a few years longer – we know, I mean KNOW how unexpected things happen.  Younger generations say “Oh, I know”; or “Oh, we’ll be fine”; or “Oh, my job is secure” – unfortunately, that is not always true.

Another suggestion – put her in charge of something that is on your “Least Important” list.  Something that “eh, doesn’t really matter” if she wants to be frugal over.  BUT, make sure she runs the “final product” by you first – in other words, if you thought silk, but she picks burlap type of deal.  Tell her “this is my budget for this, but I thought you would like to be in charge of it since you get such good deals, here are the colors, materials, go for it, I can’t wait to see what you come up with, but make sure you bring a sample to me first!”  This way you also won’t get stuck with some cheap stuff that totally turn you off.

Good luck, it sounds like she is just trying to save you money – and sometimes, we do that.  Heck, my parents are in their 70’s, I’m 50 – mom and dad STILL do that to me (and so does my Mother-In-Law.. LOL)

RM

Post # 11
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

She is probably just trying to save you some money, but I can see how her approach would annoy you. If you want to inlcude her without including her, just give her some tasks that are maybe not as important as picking out the major things such as food, photographer, dress, etc. I would listen to her “suggestions” and say “Thank you, Fiance and I will take that into consideration.” and then just go about your plans the way YOU want. You don’t have to fill her in on all of the details either. If she keeps asking just tell her “It’s been taken care of” and if she asks about what things are costing, just tell her that “everything is within budget.”  I like julies1949 response, it’s firm,  polite and gets the message across. Your FIL’s are NOT paying so what business is it of theirs what your wedding is costing.

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Don’t worry about it at all, just laugh it off and tell her that you have expensive taste and that you can afford it. 

My mom always gasp when I pay the dinner bill and I’d tell her, yeah, guess how much I paid for my friend’s birthday. Don’t worry, mom. I can cover it. Besides, take her to a bridal shop and David Bridal and she’ll definitely be able to see the difference in quality.

I wanted to spend $200-$300 on a dress too… until I found out that those dresses paled in comparison to the $880 one I eventually got. Take her shopping. Have her feel the fabric. Once she sees the better gown, she’ll understand.

Celebrate your life and every joyous occasion with what you can reasonably afford. 😀 Save and spend as necessary and within reason. It is a balance. No point stockpiling money that you won’t use in a lifetime but don’t overspend so you have nothing saved for your future and emergencies. I wouldn’t kill all my savings though, if 15k is all you have.

Anyways, it is all very exciting so take a breath and have fun planning ^__^;;; I’m trying to take that advice as much as I can, despite more workload, vendor drama and etc.

Post # 13
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with Baletrina, include her in the non- decision making appointments. She may not even realize what she is doing. If you can, arrange ahead of time that vendors do not discuss money with her. I’m sure they have seen this before…if she does make a comment about cost, just politely remind her that you are paying for it. And you don’t talk about how much things cost.

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