(Closed) FMIL and her guest list for the “family reunion” aka our wedding

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

Two things:

With 134 invites, you probably won’t get 130 RSVPs, so I think you’re safe, however…

If they aren’t paying for anything, tell them you’ll add any additional names to your B list unless they want to contribute financially. I would tell her before she goes ahead and invites more people w/o your OK. This way when you get “nos,” you can invite from her B list (or not).

I don’t have family giving me more invitees than I can handle, but I do have people in my family who I’m not sure I want there. They are going to be on my B list, so if I have 10 “nos”, I can invite 10 people from my B list.

Post # 4
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

give them a certain ammount of invites adn that’s it. Period or tell them to pay for them.  You are in control of the invites I assume so don’t send them any.

Post # 5
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

we must be talking about the same woman.  my stepmom sent me a list of 63 people she wanted invited for our 150 person wedding!  it’s a nightmare.  i can’t believe your fmil verbally invited people without talking to you first.  that is very inconsiderate.  i think that before anything happens with your fmil you need to talk with your fi and get on the same page.  personally, i think the limits around the guest list are going to need to come directly from him.  has he thought about how mad other guests are going to get when they see that 4 kids were invited to a no-kids wedding, but theirs were excluded?  that could get very messy.

i would suggest you sit down with your fi and really hash out guidelines for dealing with this.  it is very hard to do.  in my case, it was just easier to allow about 35 invites because i knew that most people wouldn’t come.  at some point, though, you just have to say no.  i’ve reached that point and am getting better at it.  “what, grandma, you want me to invite my 4th cousin who lives in UT that i haven’t seen in 6 years and wouldn’t recognize in a crowd?”  “no.”  they’ll get over it.



Post # 6
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

First off, I agree with the PP’s.  

Second, you need to set your Fiance down and talk about this.  He’s not respecting you OR your parents by NOT confronting his family.  You two need to talk about his family not listening and respecting the limit on the list or the “no kids” rule.

hope it works out for you!  good luck!

Post # 7
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Maybe his family should consider paying for some of it. But I will say, weddings are for families… a celebration of two people being united… but still a celebration for family members. So to not invite family’s children is probably going to cause some problems. I wouldn’t start off your marriage on the wrong foot by getting on his family’s bad side. I say allow their children (because it’s family.. how would you feel if you weren’t invited to a family members wedding?)

I only say this because I went through the same experience. I didn’t want kids at my wedding. And his family got extremely upset, until finally I was like, you’re right. ALL family should be included in our celebration and I need to be ok with that. Plus, I didn’t want them to hate me because of one decision I made for my one wedding day.

I still think that to accomodate everyone, they need to shell out some money as well. Maybe you can talk to your fiance so HE can tell his family y’all need help. Hope this helps 🙂

Post # 9
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you should just have agreed on exactly how many invites his side can have and then if they go over just politely say sorry they hall only takes 130 ppl. Also I agree with previous poster that if you want 130 people to show up, you usually invite slightly more than that because not every single invited person will come.

Post # 11
374 posts
Helper bee

Rule 1:  Assume if you invite them, they will come.

I would have your fiancee sit down w/his folks and ask them if they would be wiling to pay for X# of people.  He can say that Mr. andMrs. Brides Parents will be willing to split the guest list w/us 50-50 but anything over that, they can’t financailly accomodate.  Tell them that w/in that 50-50 are both your friends; and you and she have decided if we want to go over our quota that we will pay for them. Then you tell your parents, you would like 25% of your family quota to go for friends.  Are they able to fit their guest list in their allotted number?  If not, can they pony up the additional costs to invite everyone on their list?  If not, he needs to tell them, “Look they are paying for the wedding, and I don’t want to put more on their plate without offering to cover those costs.”

If his folks are willing to pay, make sure the venue sends them a contract for X% of people payable by a certain date.  You don’t want your parents stuck w/the bill at the end of the reception!  Get it in writing.  If they agree, let them invite until the cows come home if the hall can hold it.

Your parents will eat the cost of the invitations and flowers per table.  The music is the music, and that cost doesn’t increase with more people.

What type of rehearsal dinner are they paying for?  The same rules should apply.  His parents make a decision on how many people they are willing to pay for, and if there are people on your side that your folks want there because they are coming a distance, they have to cover those costs.  Fair is fair.

Best of Luck!

Will that work?

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