(Closed) FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner guest list??

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would let her plan the rehearsal dinner since she’s paying for it. You can’t really tell her how to spend her money IMO. If she wants to invite everybody {which is VERY nice of her} then find some places where it can be done in her budget.

Post # 4
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have you picked a place for the dinner?  If so, get a quote for all of the Out of Town guests, subtract that $1200 from that, and ask your Future Mother-In-Law if she is willing to pay the difference. 

Maybe she doesn’t realize how expensive it will be.

Post # 5
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I ran into a very similar situation, and we came up with a compromise.  I get that its becoming more popular to invite al Out of Town guests, but I felt like my Rehearsal dinner was for US to celebrate low key.  So, the Rehearsal Dinner will be Wedding Party and their SOs, Immediate family, family of flower girls, and a few very close aunts and uncles ad grandparents.  My mom has generously offered up her house for the rest of teh guests to go to while we are at the dinner.  She is having a huge bonfire and having that catered with a bar so the Out of Town guests have something to do and eat while we’re at the "official" Rehearsal Dinner.  Its proving to be quite inexpensive.  Is that an option for your situation? 

Post # 6
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I don’t understand how it came about to invite such large crowds to the rehearsal dinner. At ours there will only be family and people who are IN the ceremony.

Post # 7
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

I was in a similar situation, in that over 2/3 of our guests were Out of Town.  I just explained to my Future Mother-In-Law that I’d really like the Rehearsal Dinner to be more relaxed and not like a second wedding reception, and although I think she was a little offended, she did as I wished. 

Post # 8
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I had the same predicament. Only 2 guests out of 170 are located in the city where we are having our wedding.  We compromised to only invite Out of Town guests that were family….meaning aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  No cousins. 

 

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would just tell her you can’t afford the difference {if you can’t}. 

Post # 12
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would tell her that you can’t afford to pay the difference between their budget and the quote.  Either they have to cut the guests or pay the difference, you are already paying for a wedding to feed these people!

Post # 13
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Well, we had a similar issue, though it hasn’t become a disagreement.  Our Saturday wedding is semi-destination, in that no one is local (anywhere between a 1-4 hour drive for our guests).  We plan on relocating after the Rehearsal Dinner for some cocktails at an area bar.  For those guests that arrive on Friday, we’re simply letting them know (via e-mail or our website) where the post-RD spot is and telling them to stop by if they wish.  So, we’re bypassing the "paying for drinks/dinner" thing but at least expressing the sentiment that we’d love to see them if they’re in town early. 

I’m not sure that this would appease your Future Mother-In-Law but really, you can’t possibly pay for an evening for everyone.  As DaisyBride suggests, you could ask your Future Mother-In-Law to pay the difference for all of the extra guests.  However, as a final note, I agree with you in that most Out of Town guests do not expect to be catered to the night before the wedding (unless they are used to extravagant weddings!).

Post # 14
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I went through basically the same thing with my Future Mother-In-Law… we went around in circles for months because what she wanted was impossible: all Out of Town guests invited (invite list of about 250, b/c this was before RSVPs came in), but not too expensive, but "nice" rather than "cheap/budget." Fiance kept saying, "mom, you can’t have all three!" Finally she compromised a little bit: she upped her budget a bit, but took some people off the guest list too.

To me, it seems like the problem you’re having with your Future Mother-In-Law is that she wants to dictate terms, but doesn’t want to do the planning.

If I were you, I would talk to her and offer a few options:

-She could agree to have a smaller Rehearsal Dinner

-She could pay the extra to invite all the people she wants to invite

-You could try to get the deposit back (or some of it), and then *she* can do the research to find a venue that she is happy with (because the max budget comes out to less than $29 a person by my calculations, she might have a hard time – that’s pretty low for space, food, and alcohol).

Basically, she’s putting you in a situation where she’s asking you to make the impossible happen (inviting everyone without spending enough to feed them all), and then asking *you* to figure out how to make it happen. You need to put the ball back in her court! Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

it’s hard to say whether or not the Out of Town guests wil wonder about being invited to the Rehearsal Dinner.  I think it’s a ncie gesture, and something more and more people are aware of .  With that said, I do agree if the Rehearsal Dinner becomes a second wedding reception, then it seems odd to inve all these people. 

I agree with MissAsB.  If she doesn’t know already, she should understand the cost of this Rehearsal Dinner, rather than throw money at you and expect you to fit a square peg into a round hole. 

But honestly, if she can afford to let the Out of Town guest gather for a dinner, at a restaurant, I don’t see a problem with that.  It would seem a bit immature to just give them money and explain how she’s terribly sorry they weren’t invited to the Rehearsal Dinner, because that’s what SHE would have liked.  (Or something to that effect.)  But if she wanted to inform them at such and such restaurant at such and such time, other Out of Town guests are gathering for a pre-wedding welcome dinner, that sounds thoughtful to me.  She can arrange it with the restaurant to pay for their meals, or have a set menu or something.  I’m not sure what the requirements would be for reciprocation for your family, since it would be an unoffical wedding event.  Certainly it would be nice to include all Out of Town guests.  But even if it was just for her family, I suppose you couldn’t stop her.  (And it would get her out of your hair.)

But try to have your Fiance field her complaints too.  Good luck.

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