Post # 17
We did precana a few months ago, and though our priest conducting it was a bit “off” he did briefly bring up the boundries and the family and how important it is that a couple stick together as a united front. He didn’t go into too much detail about it, I wish he did more.
My Fiance goes and compares the issues to other people, he goes around asking his friends what they think and feel and what they would do, and he is like my friends say to get over it, and my friends said he he went through the same thing and his wife got over it and move on.
I’ve researched, and read tons of articles about family issues, I’ve sent them to him to read, he reads them and says he agrees with them and understands it 100% but then when he is faced with his family or someone NOT me, he doesn’t back me up at all. I said just because you say it to my face doesn’t mean that makes me feel better, I think he thinks if he just says it to me then it all goes away, he doesn’t realize that in order for it to “go away” is by him actually doing something. I couldn’t believe that a therapist sat there and said I had no right in saying we needed to set boundries and its his family so he can deal with them however he wants. She claimed she was a pre-martial counslor, but who knows. We need to try someone else. He wants to go back to her, but I said no way. When she sat in front of me and told me this was just a cause of my hurt feelings and I need to set goals for myself, I realized this women actually made the situation 10x worse.
Post # 18
I’m sorry about the therapy appointment but as others said, do you want to live like this the rest of your life? You have a choice, even though you may not see it now. I’m seeing as you will never be #1. He believes his family over you WHEN YOU HAVE PROOF of what they did. Yet he still does not believe you. That is ridiculous. Is he going to allow his family to treat your kids this way?
Trust your gut on this one, ams.
I actually meant to post “You can’t reason with crazy” instead of “You can’t change crazy.”
And if your Dear Fiance says that things will change when you get married, that is such a myth. You need ‘proof’ that things will change now before you sign up for a life of this. In all honesty, I would put a hold on wedding plans until he can get his priorities in order. Maybe losing you, or the possibility of losing you, will be a wake up call to him?
Post # 19
>>I think he thinks if he just says it to me then it all goes away, he doesn’t realize that in order for it to “go away” is by him actually doing something.<<
Actions speak louder than words, 100%. I hear you on that!
Post # 20
Update! We were able to find another, BETTER CC. He walked out of there 100% realizing that I’m not asking him to change his family, I’m asking him to change how he deals with his family because the way he has been isn’t working. We did a time line of when the fights started and it all points to when his Mom came up for Thanksgiving. We couldn’t go back before that and pull up any fight or issue or problem PRIOR to that and he said Yeah I see that it’s because of them now.
He said to me last night that he wants to be with me more than anything, and I’m his number 1 and he will do what he has to do to prove that and show me, and he no longer let the trash talk on me go on with his family.
I feel MUCH better.
Post # 21
I’m so glad everything worked out for you! Let us know how it goes when he talks to his family about it.
Post # 22
It sounds like you found a good counseler and I’m happy for you 🙂 Either he alone or you both need to continue to go. As someone who is dealing with setting boundaries with a mentally ill mother, I can tell you how important it is to stick to those boundaries. It takes a LOT of work and continued effort. It’s not a one time deal. Time will tell if this is something your Fiance is able to do (hopefully it is!). As another poster said, this is his normal. It will take some time for him to adjust to what normal really is and to standing up to his sister and mother. Good luck! I didn’t mean to sound at all harsh, just wanted to let you know that it’s a long process full of hard work, so I would still be cautious until his actions speak louder than his words (aka, he’s setting boundaries and sticking to them).
Post # 23
I agree with azure6700 all the way
! He needs to choose- the woman he loves or his toxic family! I also agree that you shouldn’t even invite these people to your wedding! I have a feeling they’d have you spending the whole day crying, anxious, upset, and completely distracted from concentrating on the love you are sharing with your Fiance, family, and friends. You may also want to go into pre-marital counceling, as it sounds like you’re very hurt by his lack of of standing up for you and maybe if you two talk about this issue with a neutral 3rd party you can work it out between you.
Post # 24
He talked to his Mom and put it out there, he said all she said was she understands, and that was it. Seems like she is starting to realize that I’m not going anywhere and the games she played didn’t work and she only made a fool out of herself.
He talked to his sister as well, and said the same thing to her and she tried to really hash up everything in the past and he flat out put it on her said, she acted completely out of line at the shower, that I had gave her every chance to sit down and talk this out and work through it and she didn’t take that chance and there is no one to blame but her, she didn’t see it that way but he told her he wasn’t going to fight about it because there was nothing to fight about, we are getting married, and we are happy and she needs work on her jealously and her own issues.
We both agreed that when we get home from work and have weekends together since our schedules have been so busy and crazy that it’s OUR time, and his family needs to respect that and he told his mom that as well.
I can def say I feel back on track and happy again. I am still a little worried about the wedding and how things are going to be with his sister, but for the most part I am just happy him and I are back to where we were before all this. It’s a great feeling. I can honestly say it’s brought us closer.
Thanks everyone for such support!