Post # 17
@MissCoffeeBean: Its customary to give the parents some invitations to use as they please or at least give them SOME input into the guest list. Its understandable for her to want some people she’s close too invited. Out of 100 people, it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me to give her a few invitations. It seems a bit mean spirited to say that since she’s not paying, she can’t have any input or invitations at all. I’m not saying you have to let her invite whomever she pleases or give her half the invitations, but maybe four or six?
My husband’s step-mother asked to invite six people to our wedding and we accommodated her.
Post # 18
I just wanted to know if it was standard to give the mother/father of the groom extra invitations. I couldn’t find anything else online to state that this was customary.
I guess I just think it IS a big deal because my parents are paying for it, and his parents aren’t paying for anything. She is literally asking my dad to write a check for $1500 for her friends to have dinner and drinks.
In addition, I don’t know why she would feel “She can’t imagine them not being there” because it’s not her wedding. If she needs them to be there for something, it should be something that she is hosting, not my parents.
We split the guest list 50/50 and I had to cut out a lot of people that are close to me. I have a huge family, and if I invited all of my aunts/uncles/cousins I would have 150 people rather than just 50. So I guess I also just feel that if I, the bride, had to cut my ideal list, then his mother shouldn’t feel entitled to her own separate guest list.
I just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a standard practice for weddings.
Post # 19
Ten extra people equals $1,500. Maybe she should be contributing $$ towards expenses if she wants people there with whom neither you nor your fiance have close ties.
Post # 20
First- thanks for your input. I definitely need to hear it from both sides.
I am also resistant because she has done nothing but try to stop this wedding from happening and has been treating me very poorly, we do not have a good relationship.
If someone who was so adamant against us getting married, why would she give a shit if her friends are there or not? Since she thinks it’s such a bad idea?
She also has said horrible things about my parents, the people who are paying for this entire wedding (with the exception of any extras I may add). I just don’t think it’s fair for someone who said vicious things about my family to then turn around and try to get them to pay for her friends to attend the wedding they are hosting.
We are obviously going to invite her boyfriend, but I don’t want her to have a whole table of her friends we don’t know when her entire family will be there, it’s not like she’s going to be alone.
Post # 21
we are allowing Future Mother-In-Law to invite a bunch of her friends from work. My side is still bigger bc I have a huge family. Its important to her. In my opinion, what his parents want is just as important as what my parents want. (Neither are contributing).
You have to do what works for you and Fiance. Did she offerany money?
Post # 22
@MissCoffeeBean: We had a similar situation that made for a tense phone call. When I asked Future Mother-In-Law who she wanted invited to our 100 person wedding, she added probably 50 people to the list and never asked for how many we were shooting for. While she said that only 30 of them would show up, it’s expensive at about $250/person with dinner, wine, tips, and cake. Like you, my parents are paying for the wedding (although FI’s family paid for the photog, a family friend) and I didn’t want them to have to worry about cutting out even more of their friends and family to accomodate FMIL’s guest list. Luckily Fiance called her up and was like, “look, its a very expensive venue and we really need to keep the number as close to 100 people as possible. Can you make any cuts to that list?” Fortunately she was very understanding about it, but said that she wanted us to send announcements after the fact to those who we didn’t invite. I don’t plan on executing that myself because I think it looks extremely gift grabby. It’s like saying “hi, we didn’t invite you to our wedding, but we got married. Send us a gift!” But yeah, if Future Mother-In-Law isn’t contributing financially, I don’t think she has a whole lotta say in the matter….
Post # 23
No, she’s really petty about money too. We went on a little road trip with her, my Fiance, and his siblings, and she tallied up all of the tolls, gas, and sent me a “bill” for like $25 because I wasn’t one of her children, so I had to pay my share.
I guess she’s just been on my nerves for so goddamn long that I am amazed that she would make such an expensive request.
Post # 24
If they really mean “that” much to her then she will have to pay! You simply tell her that the guest list was already generously split 50/50 even though your parents are footing the entire bill. Tell her that your parents have a set budget they want to work with and you two just cant afford to shell out that much extra money (when you add up all the rest of the costs associated with each person not just food and drinks…. place settings, chair covers, invitation suites, extra servers, wedding favors etc….) whatever kind of wedding your having….When you add it all up it will probably come out a lot more then 150 pp…..
His side has already got half the invites so she writes a chq or STFU…. if anything just tell your mother whats going on and ask her if she can tell your mil NO….its easy for Future Mother-In-Law to bug YOU guys about inviting people because you have to make excuses but if she had to bold faced ask your MOM to her face to pay for her guests I be she will be reluctant…. it will end up a diff tune 😉
Post # 25
“She is literally asking my dad to write a check for $1500 for her friends to have dinner and drinks.”
No she is not. She is asking you and your fiance to extend an invitation to a major life celebration to a few people who are important to her. I’m not saying that you have to give her these invitations, but that statement belies a very ungenerous attitude. Does your fiance share that view? What does he think about all this?
Do you resent her for not contributing to the wedding? It sounds like you resent her, and you want to punish her by not including these people.
Finally, is there a reason you need to finalize the guest list now?
Post # 26
We broke our invites up in thirds: one third for his parents, one third for mine, and one third for me and my Fiance. All family members went on parents’ invites. That way, we got to invite plenty of friends, and both sides were euqally represented. It worked out perfectly. My parents paid for the entire thing, and never once did they try to get out of paying for his side. I can see her point, honestly, because otherwise is the entire wedding going to be your friends and family? She might have been against the wedding, but clearly wants to share the day with her friends.
I’m not saying you have to give her any invites, but maybe give her 10 total and say, “You can decide if you want to use these for Aunt Sally and her family or your friends.”
Post # 27
LOLOLOLOLOL…… omg…. I just read this as I posted…….what you need to do now is write her an email with the BILL attached!!!
Say Dear Mother-In-Law, since we come from a family of paying our fair share, this is the invoice for your requested additions to the guest list as it costs 150 per guest. My mother will accept cash or cheque. If this isnt going to be possible then we unfortunatly will not be adding them to the list. Let me know what you want to do! Thanks
lol…….maybe worded a little too passive aggressive haha but you should totally send her a bill and see how she responds.
Post # 28
I would definitely hold my ground on this one if I were you. If she is not paying then she has no right to demand that anyone be invited. Especially people you have never met. I ran into a similar situation as well. My parents are footing the entire bill so when Future Mother-In-Law said that we had to invite people I have never met, my Fiance told her that if she wanted them to be there, she would have to pay for the additional cost, which she opted not to do so we did not invite those people.
Post # 29
@MissCoffeeBean: FI and I worked on our guest list over the weekend. I have a couple of my mom’s friends on the list although there are MANY MORE she would like to invite (she has a large group of friends). I let her include her card friends but drew the line at the others.
Are you inviting any of your mother’s friends? I understand that they are paying but it seems fair to include some of your future in law’s friends if your parents have a few.
Post # 30
communication goes both ways. Some of this can be resolved by saying “our total guest list needs to come under this…so far we have these groups taken care of…there are x number of invites available we have set aside for anyone you deem should be invited. Please tell us who these final x number of invites should go to.”
Post # 31
does your fi want these people at the wedding? i greatly doubt it or they would have been on the list. he needs to tell his mother that the guest list is full and that you already had to cut many family members to accommodate the small list.
is your date posted correct? i don’t think you should be worried about final guest counts yet. why add all of this stress a whole year before you have to send out invites? anything can happen in that time.