(Closed) FMIL asking for grankids.. 21 and still engaged

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

My ex’s aunt got really drunk one night and said she’d pay for a wedding if we promised to have a baby right away.  I was only 21 or 22 at the time.  I was not about to ruin my life to make her happy.  

In your shoes, I’d have your fiance tell her she needs to stop with the baby talk.  You’ll have kids when you’re good and ready. If she won’t stop, he can spend time with her alone, but you don’t have to go hang out with her.  She’s being an idiot, and totally rude.

Post # 4
Member
3211 posts
Sugar bee

No but good for you for standing your ground! Don’t give in until you are ready! It is not your job to provide her with grandchildren. Children are expensive and need a lot more than love.

Post # 5
Member
12954 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ugh, so frustrating!  Can you have your Fiance sit down with her one-on-one and tell her point-blank that it’s getting frustrating?  Acknowledge her desire for grandkids, but at the same time, you’re both so, so young and want to have a stable environment to bring kids into (i.e., savings, a house, etc). 

Props to you for not giving in!

Post # 6
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Beebee225:  i’m sorry this must so annoying for you guys! I think if it really bothers you your Fiance should talk to her. Explain children are not a priority now, your careers are so you will go wherever that leads you.

Unfortunatly this is part of the expectations some people have when they have kids, they expect them to give them grandkids and live nearby so they can play Grandma. sadly in todays globalised world families of that type are becoming rarer and rarer but unfortunatly our parents (I’m 22 so I’m assuming ur FI/my/your parents are of a similar generation) are having a harder time accepting these changes.

Post # 7
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Beebee225:  P.S. If you want to be evil tell her you can’t have kids… That should shut her up! (just joking!)

Post # 8
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow. That is unacceptable. Tell her to stop with the baby talk or you will refuse to see/speak with her until she can act like an adult and mind her own business.

Post # 9
Member
8461 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Beebee225:  This happens a lot.  I just start listing the financial obligations I have to fufill before children (we never plan on having children).  My parents had a college fund set up for me, purchased a single family home, and had paid off their debts before I was born.  I just state that I would want the same, then cry poor, and then people leave you alone.

Post # 10
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I didn’t experience this when I was early 20s and engaged to my first husband.  However, the older I get (late 30s) my parents constantly tell me that they are the only ones of their siblings and friends w/o grandkids.  It doesn’t help that my parents are both in their 60s and my mom is battling cancer.  I think it’s a normal life process. 

Someone (older) told me once that when you have kids, you see your future and when you have grandkids, the “circle of life” is complete….I totally get it but your Future Mother-In-Law needs to learn some patience! Sheesh!

And good for you in realizing there are other things in life that you want to accomplish before kids!! You have your own goals for you and your Fiance and I think that’s great.

Post # 11
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sounds just like my mother and father! I’m also 21, but getting married this December. It feels like my life is a constant stream of, “when are you having kids?” I usually say, Fiance and I want to work for a few years, travel, and just enjoy being alone for a while before we start trying. AND THEN, people say things like, “you are just confused as to what is really important in life, “or “part of the fun is the struggle.”

So, I feel you. If you can, do your best to ignore it. You could get your Fiance to have a conversation with his mother about it, but I’m not sure if that would be effective. It may just make them feel slighted. In the end, they are speaking from a place of love, no matter how annoying it is!

Post # 12
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yes tell her you’re barren!!  That would be hysterical!  Hopefully your Fiance could maybe say something to her so she backs off a bit?

Post # 13
Member
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t think telling her they physically can’t have kids is going to work.  She’ll just start harping on them adopting.

Post # 14
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, I’m a MOB and a Nana to 6 and this really bothers me for you!  She is no longer seeing you or Fiance as people, she is seeing the means to the end she wants – grandkids.

I come from a family where boundaries can be quite the issue and had to move a few hundred miles away as a young bride myself to set strong ones around me and my family.

Yes, some of “my stuff” is in my head right now as I write this, but wisdom comes from experience.  It is up to you to decide if this is wise or a bad idea.  This is what “I” would do:

1.  You and Fiance sit down and talk to her respectfully, and calmly – not when she has mentioned this again.  Don’t have your defenses up or you will get too emotional and that can lead to losing control of the situation.  Tell her that you both want to be seen as individuals and not grandbaby makers.  

2.  Let her know you will not have this discussion again.  If she won’t respect that, leave, or end the call.  EVERY TIME.  Don’t get in a huff, just tell her, “we have already said this is a closed topic/discussion” and end the call or visit.

3.  Let her know that it will be many many years (don’t tell her how many or you will be on countdown in her head) before you are ready for children and you are going to enjoy your lives as a couple.  Ask her to honor that and to be happy for you.

ALL of those things can done in a very loving manner if you plan it out and execute it when you are not upset.

4.  ABOVE ALL – “really” consider how close you want to live to her.  Once that baby is born those boundaries will be out the door and you will have to build knew ones. It is a lot tougher once a grandbaby is involved.  I feel like she sees a grandchild as a prize by the way you write about her.

My first Dirty Delete married 8 years ago so I have been on various boards for about 9 years and met and made many friends.  I learn far more from the young brides than I could teach them.  Why?  They discuss what it is like when parents don’t respect boundaries and privacy.  I never really thought about it, and many well-meaning parents don’t.  It has just been awhile since we were young newlyweds who wanted our parents to back off and we have forgotten that.

My self-imposed rules with my girls are:

1. stay out of their business unless there is something really really bad that will come out of it (like legal or financial stuff).  So far, haven’t had to break that one.  I HAVE kept my mouth shut a time or two about things I didn’t agree with, but not my life, not my issue.

2. Never, ever stop by unexpectedly.  I may ask if I can stop by at such and such a time, but I never surprise them, and if they are busy when I want to stop by, we make alternate plans.

3.  Their kids, their rules.  Whatever rules they have at home, they have at Nana’s.  This way things are consistent for them and my kids know I respect how they rear their children.

Result?  I’m welcome in their lives, they like to spend time with us, and have us over. 

I learned most of those boundaries from you younger girls…thanks!

Post # 15
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, I forgot – the evil part of me would think about telling her, “we aren’t quite ready for a baby yet, but the practice trials are going extremely well!”

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