(Closed) FMIL being rude or helpful??? asking money questions

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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@missstarling:  I think sharing the spreadsheet is probably a good idea. 

I know this is a really nice thing she’s doing, but why is she making it so awkward for you???

Post # 18
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@missstarling:  You’ve got to get everyone sat down, even if it’s individually, and discuss money.  It’s uncomfortable but it needs to happen ASAP.  I would ask them what they are comfortable contributing and if they balk at giving a number then say you need a number so you can budget and if they can’t give a number then you would prefer that they just give it to you as a wedding gift later.  There are lots on brides on here who planned their wedding and put down deposits with promises from the ILs that they were going to “take care of things” only to find out that the amount was substantially less than they thought or the ILs ultimately refused to give them any money at all.  Make sure they know you aren’t asking for money for the wedding and to avoid seeming like you are, you would prefer to have a specific number to work with so you don’t accidentally go over and make them uncomfortable.

Post # 19
Member
9763 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think the spreadsheet is the easiest thing. That way she can see all the expenses, and if she’t not comfortable paying for everything then she can choose a few things maybe.

Post # 20
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Take a breath, calm down.  Do what you’re doing – make a list of what you think you still need to pay for.

Invite your Future Mother-In-Law for lunch and have a chat with her.  Explain that this whole money thing makes you uncomfortable, and you aren’t sure what she’s getting at, but here’s where you are if she’s trying to make a decision on what to give you, if she wants to pay vendors directly or whatever.  Explain how you’ve already paid for X, your dad paid for X, your mom’s gift will probably cover X, and you were planning to cover the remaining $xx yourselves.  Any help they want to give would help tremendously, or if it would make her more comfortable, she can pay vendors directly (make sure she signs contracts!) and you two can work that out, too. 

Post # 21
Member
3468 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@MrsTVLover:  that didn’t escape my notice either. What’s with her telling others that she’s footing the bill but reminding OP multiple times that she’s only “helping?” This kinda stuff is exactly why I never accept anything from anybody. I realize this is not the most healthy approach, but I take GREAT offense to somebody trying to gain a financial upper hand hand on me and I’m very sensitive to people trying to throw things in my face/hold things over my head. 

Post # 22
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@missstarling:  totally know what your going through (with slight adjustment)… and shes being totally rude (but she may not “mean it” to be rude). I say this because thats one thing I’ve learned about Fiance is that EVERYTHING including money is always just “on the table” with his family, but I grew up being taught to keep these things personal…..its funny I actually need to speak to him about this because Im not comfortable with him disclosing ALL OUR personal finances to them….and they have the nerve to ask. (but thats anotehr post) Basically what you’ve done is the right thing in telling her your parents are not going to sit down and discuss who is paying what tab! Each parent should be able to contribute or not contribute whatever they can/or are willing to.

I think the idea of “everything has to be equal” is crap because everyone is in a diff financial position and its NO ONE BUSINESS what other people are putting in. Like you said…For ex: this  if parents originally saved 10,000 to give but then cut it down to like 3,000 simply because the IL’s were only going to contribute that??? I dont get that. People should decide what they want to give and thats that!!

My situation was this…I told Fiance ASAP that I wanted ANY parental contributions to be private (mainly to save face for FIL’s) because my parents are not rich by any means but they are much “better off”. I knew my mom and my stepdad would be paying for my dress and “probably” putting in a chunk of money although I didnt know how much….

The first convo we have with FIL’s they are going on and on about well what are your parents giving because we put in what they do…. and I was like well to he honest I dont know, they’re doing my dress and who knows what else. I knew this was going to blow up but they kept insisting and insisting it had to be “fair”.

We dont expect anything….and we are basically paying for the wedding ourselves right now (even though my mom is going to give us money for our wedidng present)….right now FI’s parents have no idea mine are giving us money…and there could be a really awkward moment soon so I have no idea if I should tell them.

Fiance aunt who lives down the street is going to let us use their place to host the rehearsal because our house just doesnt work for that many ppl….as far as I know FIL’s are supposed to be supplying the food, which I believe is just gonna be like pizzas… it not going to cost much money at all, maaaaaaaybe 200 bucks??? but Im afraid Father-In-Law is going to get all “everything needs to be fair” and ask my parents to pay for half…and heres the thing my mom will a) either not say a word and say sure no problem, or b) well we’re actually kind of tapped out from giving them the chunk towards the wedding….have you guys contributed other then his suit? (my moms kinda straight forward and I have already told her about their “fair” statements)

if it goes option b the inlaws may be in for a “rude” awakening but I dont want them to be put on the spot, or feel obligated to contribute money they dont have, or feel embarassed because they didnt know and all they have done is take care of Fiance suit…….

Post # 23
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

@missstarling:  

I am in the SAME situation. My boyfriend’s family are not exactly well off but they’re in a much better position than my family. His mom spends pretty recklessly though. According to my boyfriend, Future Mother-In-Law drained her and his dad’s retirement funds in order to pay for his sister’s $40K wedding. That blows my freaking mind! 

One of the first things she asked me when we got engaged was how much money my father was going to contribute. Mind you, we did not ask her to give us anything. We’re planning with a very low budget in mind because we are not comfortable spending our own money on a wedding, let alone someone else’s money.

My parents are divorced and remarried. None of my parents or step-parents are wealthy. My mom volunteered to pay for the food, which to me is amazing. I explained that my dad has 2 young children still and probably wouldn’t offer any money because he doesn’t *have* any, and she gave me this snotty response like she didn’t believe me or something. 

It seems as though she thinks I should feel entitled to drain MY parents’ retirements, and that it’s something they should willingly do. I don’t even know how to react to that assumption. 

Post # 24
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think she’s being rude. I think you guys are having a miscommunication. Future Mother-In-Law thinks she’s hosting this wedding. But, hasn’t been very clear about that with you. Since you’ve been planning on hosting this wedding yourself, you’ve had complete control of everything – up until now. If you decide to accept her contribtuion towards the wedding, you need to understand that it comes with giving her some control over the wedding. This is what I would do:

1. Speak with your family about what they want to contribue. Get a dollar amount from them.

2. Now decide, how you personally want to allocate their money. What do you care MOST about and want the MOST control over. Let’s say it’s photography and flowers (just an example).OR – you can decide that this money to your parents is going to get put towards your honeymoon, or whatever. You figure it out, and discuss it with your parents so they are okay with this.

3. Sit down with Future Mother-In-Law and say something along the lines of: My family is paying for our photographer and our flowers. OR My family is going to give us a gift towards our honeymoon. Here is what else is left, and how much it will cost (if you already have those costs). And then ask her, What would you like to contribute towards?

Once Future Mother-In-Law decides what they will pay for, you have to be okay with her taking some control over this. SO If you do not want her to control your reception for example, you need to tell her that the reception is taken care of (either with your parents money, your own).

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