Post # 1
I’m faced with a little dilemma here and thought I would get the advice of the hive! I’m sure this has been covered many times, but I couldn’t find anything lately.
So the overall issue I’m having is my FMIL… she wants to invite all these people to our wedding… Let me preface this by saying, my parents have graciously offered to cover the cost of the majority of our wedding. Everything else will be covered by myself. My FI’s parents (both remarried) are not contributing anything at all.
So in my eyes, if you are not paying for the wedding you do not get to go and invite all your friends, right? We gave his mom some invites for her closest friends and their husbands. However, now after we’ve got our final list together, she has come (without me asking) with a list of about 10 people that she wants to invite… None of them have ever been mentioned to me. Even my FI didn’t know most of them.
I’m not sure what to do! I told her we had reached maximum capacity of the guest list and due to the budget, we were unable to add any more people. I said it in a very nice way and said if something happens and we have room, we’ll see about adding them. I thought everything was fine.
Well several hours later, she left me a nasty voicemail about being able to invite people… And now I’m not sure what to do! I don’t want to upset her, but we really do not have the luxury of adding more people to our guest list. Am I wrong for thinking if she’s not contributing she doesn’t get a say?? Help!!! thanks!!!!
Post # 3
@EmilyJoy: Stick to your guns! Your FMIL probably “invited” people through word of mouth without asking you, and now expects you to cover her butt… too bad!
You told her you’re at max capacity… if you let this one slide, she’ll just keep adding more people. You can’t add any more! Too bad for her for asking at the last minute!
She owes you and your FI an apology fot that nasty voicemail, too. What a way to kick off your relationship!
Post # 4
If there’s no room space-wise, there’s nothing more to be done than to hold firm. If it’s a purely budget issue, you could indicate that to her and she can decide if she wants to offer to pay for them (if that’s something you’d be okay with). Have your FI respond on both of your behalves so nothing can be misconstrued.
Post # 5
There are two schools of thought on this and your FMIL apparently falls into the one that says the guest list comes first, then the budget. The only problem is that it seems she gave you her names already, you based a budget and venue around those expectations, and now she is coming back for more. That’s not right and you handled it appropriately.
The only thing I can think that has upset her is if she was somehow under the impression that HER guest list had to be limited, but then realized your parents invited everyone they knew. If so, that is not right, either.
Post # 6
definitely stick to ‘no’ – it’s completely unacceptable for her to be demanding invites without any contribution, and to leave a nasty voicemail is awful – do NOT reward that behaviour with invites, or she will learn that being rude and nasty works. NOT a good precedent!
keep repeating that there is no room at the venue or in your budget until she gets it.
Your FI should take her aside and explain that her voicemail was not okay and that you will not be extending her any more invites.
Post # 7
@CakeyP: You are probably right! I never even thought about that, but that sounds exactly like her!! No wonder she said she would be “embarrassed” if she couldn’t invite them! We didn’t give my FI’s dad’s side any extra invites because they aren’t contributing, so I feel like it’s not fair to give her more than her 2 best friends, and she only got those b/c my FI agreed they should be invited.
Haha an apology, that’s a good one, she doesn’t do that!!! I feel like I should mention, this whole leaving nasty voicemails is her typical move! She left me one a few weeks ago about how my FI is a terrible son and doesn’t love her… yeah…
@sportsgal31: You are right! I feel like if I say yes, then she will try to get me to budge on other things. That’s the approach I took, I told her it was because of the budget and she didn’t seem to get it. She offered $200! Which I know we would never see, but it wouldn’t help anyways. Yes you are right about my FI being the one to talk to her… the issue is that is that they aren’t speaking to each other… They haven’t talked since December, when she left him a nasty voicemail (see she loves to do that!) and she refuses to call him. That’s a whole other story in itself!
Post # 8
@weddingmaven: Oh I didn’t even know that! You are right though, she doesn’t care about the budget because it isn’t her money. And she did tell us that she just needs these 2 (plus spouses) people there.
Please correct me if I am wrong (and I mean that in serious way!) but I am under the thought that if they are paying for nothing, they do not get an unlimited guest list? My parents are contributing a very large amount and have only invited 8 friends. I won’t tell her that they have people coming because she will take that the wrong way, but I feel that it is okay they could invite those people?
@peonyinlove: Ahhh you are so right!! If we turned around and said yes, we would be rewarding her!! In fact, this makes me wonder why she continues with the voicemails because it never goes her way haha. I think that is exactly what I will do, just repeat how the budget will not allow extra guests.
I wish that was possible!! They are currently not speaking. Often, I’m the one that has to remind her that certain actions are not okay…
Post # 9
Unless she plans to add an extension to your venue to accomodate her friends, they cannot come. You are maxed out.
Post # 10
I agree with PP’s. Stick to your guns. If she persists then let your FI handle his mother. Good luck!
Post # 11
Stick to your guns! Let your fiancé deal with reminding his mom about the capacity issues. The bottom line is these people can’t fit. But leave it up to him to fight battles with his family.
Post # 12
@EmilyJoy: Is the number of invitations you’ve given them fairly equitable between them, yourselves and your parents? If so, then have your FI call her and tell her that and that you can’t give her any more – the answer is no.
If you’ve given them a handful of invitations while you and your parents have used the lions share, then I can understand her upset a bit.
Post # 13
@EmilyJoy: What phone provider do you have? Or do you have a smart phone?
I am not even kidding when I say that there MUST be a way to block voicemails specifically coming from her phone. (OK I just looked this up and maybe not… who develops apps here? Make this app and cut me a bit of the profit! haha)
Oh, my FI has an app that lets him review voicemails out of order and delete some before he even listens to them. Would you like me to ask him what it’s called?
OR if there’s a way you could send her own voicemails back into her voicemail box, that could be mildly useful. It’s one thing to leave a nasty voicemail, it’s another to listen to your own nasty voicemail later on.
But don’t give her any more invites. Stand your ground! 😀
She got a few already, you have no more room, and she doesn’t have the right to intimidate you over something like this. It’s your wedding and she’s not paying – even if she was, throwing a tantrum over voicemail isn’t the way to ask someone.
Post # 14
Invites do not have to be evenly spread amongst your & FI, your parents and his. It is your wedding, meaning you get to invite the majority of the guests. Your parents are paying, meaning they get a say in who comes (but not even close to 1/3 of your guestlist). I think that allowing FMIL to invite her closest friends was good enough. If these 10 extra people weren’t important enough when the guest list first was drafted, they’re not important enough now.
Post # 15
@MASPA: Haha yes! Her adding an extension would be needed if she wanted more people!
@Pinkmoon:I probably should have mentioned that my FI and his mom don’t speak to each other. They had an argument a few months back and she refuses to get over it or talk to him… But I will tell her that she needs to call him if she wants to talk about the guest list!
@Zhabeego: Well my parents have 8 people they invited she has 4. My parents are also contributing $20,000… In my head, they could invite 30 people if they wanted to (if we had the room!) My FI also has about 65%-75% of the guest list, which includes all his family, where I literally have no family besides my parents and sisters on my list.
So I don’t feel that my parents have used up all the invitations, if his mom was willing to contribute to the wedding we could raise our budget and invite her extra friends. I may be wrong thinking that though!
@beezu220413: Thank you!! I feel like that is what I should do!
Post # 16
She’s more than welome to ibnvite people as long as she covers the cost and you have enougb space in your veue if not tell her no. Better yet tell your fiance to tell her no, he doesn’t have to be as nice.