(Closed) FMIL Didn't adhere to the dress code.

posted 7 years ago in Dress
Post # 91
Member
3980 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

So, just scanning the first few comments of this and everyone seems to be harping on the “let the adult dress themselves” point. In every single wedding I’ve been in, the bride has given the mothers and grandmothers some parameters. Why? I wouldn’t want my mother in something like champagne and then have FI’s mother show up in a bright magenta dress, especially if everyone around her is wearing pastels. In all of the photos, she’s going to stand out. I don’t think this is a ridiculous request. You aren’t demanding she wear a particular dress like with the bridesmaids and with the parameters given above, it really isn’t that hard to find a dress that someone would be comfortable in. Once again, I see absolutely no problem with giving parents a few parameters when selecting their wedding attire. 

Post # 92
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
MrsMeowton: To me it’s kind of like the line between being a wedding guest who would never show up without a gift/card and being the bride and expecting presents. People shouldn’t come empty handed because they would feel rude, but it would be even ruder for the bride to demand or get upset over a lack of gifts.

The mothers should want to coordinate and wear outfits that will look nice in the pictures, but the bride should not be the one to demand that because she should assume that women who are in their 40s, 50s, whatever are more than capable of dressing themselves in an appropriate outfit for the occasion. If someone asks what color(s) or styles of dress would work then the bride should offer some “guidelines”, they are exactly that – guidelines – and it would be extremely rude to be upset about someone going in a different direction or trying to force a dress code on grown women. Your Future Mother-In-Law won’t be in all of the pictures or even the majority of the pictures you are likely to display in your home, so even though it seems like a big deal if she were to show up in a bright dress – it’s really not. You’ll still be married!

Post # 93
Member
3980 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
carolinabelle:  Just because you deem it to be something that isn’t a big deal (TO YOU), doesn’t mean OP isn’t allowed to be a little disappointed that her Future Mother-In-Law is wearing a bright color against all of the pastel. And again, I will reiterate, that giving the mothers parameters is really not that big of a deal to me. And as someone has already pointed out to you, the OP’s Future Mother-In-Law DID ask about a dress code. If my Future Mother-In-Law asked what colors I wanted her to stick with and I said anything but neon orange and she showed up with a neon orange dress, you know what, I’m going to be a little upset. Why ask for guidelines if you are just going to do the exact opposite? OP is being very gracious in her response to this. Much like most vents on these boards, just because someone is saying they are upset on here doesn’t mean they are acting like this in real life. 

Post # 94
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
MrsMeowton:  My oh my. I don’t think there’s any winning this one. OP is wrong and all weddings have to be the same and follow the same code and no one is allowed to vent (Sarcasm). 

View original reply
carolinabelle:  They asked in this situation, as well. It may be a regional thing, but I guess at some point in life, brides did pick the outfits to help them coordinate. FI’s mom is going to send me pictures, just like OP. She actually was rather hurt when I didn’t want to choose her outfit, so I’m going to go along with it. It’s all in your family circle. It’s okay that you don’t agree, just like it’s okay OP is a little upset. She didn’t go off on her Future Mother-In-Law and came here to vent. 

Post # 95
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Like PP’s maybe she thought coral was pastel. My mother asked me to shop with her because she wanted me to like her dress and she wanted to go with the overall feel we were going for in regards to the wedding.

For our wedding we asked our dads to wear a black suit (any) with a gold tie. Done. We didn’t tell the mothers what to wear. In hindsight I think some guidelines might have been needed for my Mother-In-Law, but it never crossed my mind. Our wedding was in the spring and formal. My mother wore a full length dress in amber. Mother-In-Law wore blue ankle pants and a white shirt (not a blouse). She sticks out in all the photos – isn’t formal enough. She looks like she’s spending the day downtown shopping. She never noticed and we let the issue drop. She told us she was casual for a spring wedding. Whatever. It could be worse. 

Post # 98
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Random, maybe useless, point: bridal party does include parents of the bride and groom. At least it’s considered so in my area. Every place I’ve been to (venue, several bridal botiques, men’s warehouse) and in several places I’ve read that the parents are very much a part of the bridal party. Don’t want to start another argument with that one.

Anywho, my mother originally picked out a dress that was unflattering, inappropriate, and the color totally clashed with the bridesmaids’ dresses. As long as there’s no harsh words (like on here sometimes…geesh!) I think it’s fair to say something about it. My mother completely understood (especially because she had asked for guidelines and was stressing over it) and picked out a dress she loves even more.

I think if your Future Mother-In-Law asked for guidelines color wise, and it’s not going to clash terribly (which I doubt that color will), I’d let it go as long as the dress is appropriate.

Maybe it’s a regional thing, but I don’t see a huge deal with offering suggestions for color. A dress code, that’s going a bit far, but suggestions aren’t.

Post # 99
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Remember that there are bigger battles to worry about. I don’t think it’s worth the energy to worry about such a small detail on what is suppose to be the biggest and most important day of your life. Worry about the caterer showing up on time, your florist and other BIG things rather than what others do. Ask yourself, is it really worth the arguement/discussion, is it that important to you, if it is really important to you-why? All worth while considering before persuing a line of action that can seem overly controlling. 

Post # 100
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow, I hope you’re not letting all the “you’re so rude” comments get you down. IMO, it’s completely normal for a bride and groom to coordinate their moms’ attire to make sure no one will stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, my mom has BEGGED me to help her with dress shopping and asked a hundred times what I think she should wear. Sure, moms are adults and capable of dressing themselves, but so are your bridesmaids, and that doesn’t mean you’re rude if you pick their dresses too. I really wish my Future Mother-In-Law had asked me what my mom was planning to wear, or if I had any dress preferences for her. She picked a dress alone, without the input of anyone in her family or mine, and it is literally the ugliest dress I have ever seen in my life. Beyond that, it’s completely inappropriate for our 12 pm wedding ceremony in a park. I told her it was pretty and I loved it, but I understand why you’re frustrated! As long as you weren’t mean to Future Mother-In-Law in person, I don’t see how you’re out of line here. All that being said, I do think you will look back on this dilemma and laugh when all is said and done and you’re a happily married lady – and hopefully I will too 🙂

 

Post # 101
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
ChicagoBride15:  I get where you are going with this.  I think the look will be fabulous.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with caring about the details in your wedding – for some people it’s the invitation font, or the way the napkins are folded, or the guestbook, etc., etc.  For some people it’s all of the above; some it’s none. No one can tell you how to feel.  

Do you know what the other pastel colors are – maybe it might work out to have one saturated color in the group.  It seems to me that Future Mother-In-Law wants to get it right that’s why she sent you the dress in advance – if you think she might be open to it, just have an honest conversation with her.  

In some cultures, guests are given the fabric with which to make their outfit for the wedding, so everyone is coordinated – sometimes according to the respective side of the family – and I am speaking from experience.  No such thing as a “rule” that fits everyone.  Do what makes you happy and ignore the attacks. 

Post # 102
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I can understand if you asked for something and she went against it, because I don’t think it’s wrong to have guidelines for the parents….but in this case, I would consider coral to be pastel and it sounds like she was trying to do what you asked

Post # 103
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

At least I learned something today. Papaya (which I would have called pink…or maybe coral) is not a pastel. Who knew??? Oh, apparently everybody. :/

Post # 104
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

I think it will be just fine.

We had a very coordinated bridal party including some family memebers.  We also had no guidelines for parents or non-bridal party family members.  Everyone looked great.  Even those who wore bright colors.  No one stands out in the pictures except the bride and groom and very cute children 🙂

Post # 105
Member
13653 posts
Honey Beekeeper

This is the traditional etiquette view:

http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2008/2/24/shopping-party-not-a-social-event

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom wear the same color dress?

My daughter has blue beading in her dress, and her future mother-in-law has informed her that she will be wearing blue, since my daughter has blue in her dress.

Shouldn’t the mother of the bride have the first choice?

GENTLE READER: She does: That is, she has first choice about what she wants to wear, and the other lady has first choice about what she wants to wear.

Of course, Miss Manners is presuming that both mothers are old enough to know that a wedding is neither a costume party nor a competition and can be trusted to wear dresses suitable to the occasion.

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